Between Family and Love: Gender Tensions between Lovers
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doi:10.5477/cis/reis.175.47
Between Family and Love:
Gender Tensions between Lovers
Entre la familia y el amor: tensiones de género entre los amantes
Marie-Carmen Garcia
Key words Abstract
Love The aim of this article is to show the ways in which male dominance
• Femininities is expressed in long-term clandestine love relationships. To this
• Gender end, fifty-five biographical interviews were conducted and recorded
• Infidelity in France. Each of them lasted between three and six hours.
• Masculinities People were selected who were having, or had previously had,
an extramarital affair for more than two years on a regular basis.
This research shows that these relationships are archaic forms of
expression of men’s symbolic domination, in particular through
the emotional appropriation of women in a context which escapes
contemporary norms of gender equality and, on the contrary, values
virility for both women and men.
Palabras clave Resumen
Amor El propósito de este artículo es mostrar las formas en las que la
• Feminidades dominación masculina se expresa en relaciones amorosas clandestinas
• Género a largo plazo. Para ello, hemos realizado cincuenta y cinco entrevistas
• Infidelidad biográficas, de tres a seis horas de duración, en Francia. Dichas
• Masculinidades entrevistas se han grabado. Hemos seleccionado a personas que tienen
o han tenido una relación extramatrimonial de más de dos años de
forma regular. La investigación muestra que se trata de formas arcaicas
de expresión de la dominación simbólica de los hombres, en particular
a través de la apropiación sentimental de las mujeres en un contexto
que escapa a las normas contemporáneas de igualdad de género y que,
por el contrario, valora la virilidad tanto para las mujeres como para los
hombres.
Citation
Garcia, Marie-Carmen (2021). “Between Family and Love: Gender Tensions between Lovers”. Re-
vista Española de Investigaciones Sociológicas, 175: 47-62. (http://dx.doi.org/10.5477/cis/reis.175.47)
Marie-Carmen Garcia: Université Paul Sabatier (France) | marie-carmen@univ-tlse3.fr
Reis. Rev.Esp.Investig.Sociol. ISSN-L: 0210-5233. N.º 175, July - September 2021, pp. 47-6248 Between Family and Love: Gender Tensions between Lovers
Introduction1 permissiveness, the rise of feminism, and the
recognition of sexual minorities have pro-
In France, adultery and lovers are part of a foundly changed the social organisation of
literary tradition that began in the 12th cen- sexuality in France (Bozon, 2018).
tury with fin’amor and was resurrected du- In light of these arguments, the French
ring the Romanticism2 in the 19th century context is a privileged laboratory for observ-
(for example, Le Rouge et le Noir by Stend- ing the social logics that sustain long-term
hal [1830] and L’Éducation sentimentale adulterous relationships. The main theoreti-
by Flaubert [1869]). Today, marital infide- cal framework proposed by French sociol-
lity remains one of the favourite subjects ogy to analyse marital infidelity is based on
of French theatre, literature and cinema. the thesis of the “multiple self” (Elster, 1985)
While in the United States the disclosure of which considers that it is an effect of the in-
Bill Clinton’s adultery endangered his poli- dividualisation process (Elías, 2016). In this
tical career, in France, the discovery of the theoretical framework, marital infidelity is
hidden love affair between François Mitte- conceived as an individual response to the
rand and Anne Pingeot, and that of François dissonance between, on the one hand, sta-
Hollande with Valérie Trierweiler, and later tus-related identity (an area that includes
with Julie Gayet, did not tarnish the repu- the definition of the self in terms of roles and
tation of these men. Valéry Giscard even status) that occurs within the official cou-
published a romantic novel titled The Prin- ple and, on the other hand, inner identity (a
cess and the President in 2009 which was deeper sphere in which the individual is de-
interpreted as a confession. In addition, it fined as a person) that would be expressed,
should be noted that sexual non-exclusivity according to sociologists, within the adulter-
is quite frequent in France. In 2006, 34% of ous couple (Singly, 1996; Vatin, 2000; Singly
men and 24% of women declared that they and Vatin, 2005; Le Van, 2010). This theoreti-
had experienced at least one period of pa- cal line, while important, fails to tackle an im-
rallel relationships (Bajos and Bozon, 2008). portant aspect in the analysis of marital infi-
Furthermore, the “sexual revolution” of the delity, which is precisely what is addressed
seventies in France contributed to affirming here: gender3 in hidden love affairs.
a sexuality centred on personal pleasure and Gender is still little studied from within
disconnected from a marital relationship. A the framework of the sociology of love. While
large body of research shows that new prac- feminist sociologists in the English-speaking
tices and scenarios have emerged, marked world focused their attention on love relation-
by a sexuality detached from any conjugal ships in the sixties, later they also focused on
perspective: sexuality as a leisure activity sexuality (Weisstein, 1987). In recent years,
(Kaufmann, 2010; Leguil-Bayard, 2014; Berg- several studies have been carried out on love
ström, 2019; Giraud, 2019). The greater moral within the human sciences, which have dealt
with its forms of expression, experiences and
imaginings. The field of social psychology
1 I would like to thank Jordi Medel Bao (Université Lu-
mière-Lyon 2), Andrés Pedreño Cánovas (Universidad
de Murcia) and Iñaki Arrieta Urtizberea (Universidad del 3 A system that organises relations (including power re-
País Vasco) for their valuable advice in significantly im-
lations) between the sexes; norms and representations
proving this article.
of femininity, masculinity and sexuality. The gender so-
2 Romanticism is a European literary and cultural move- cial system has been broadly defined by the social sci-
ment of the 18th and 19th centuries that focused on the ences. Note the article by Joan W. Scott, which takes
idea of the “self” and on the themes of nature and love. into account the conditions of emergence of the con-
It aggravated personal feelings, especially passion and cept and its articulation with other categories of classi-
suffering. fication (class, race) (Scott, 1986).
Reis. Rev.Esp.Investig.Sociol. ISSN-L: 0210-5233. N.º 175, July - September 2021, pp. 47-62Marie-Carmen Garcia 49
is one of the most advanced in this area, as volve sexual relations with a person of a
shown in the synthetic study by Carlos Yela different sex without the official partner
García (2015). There have also been some so- (which entails a demand for love and sexual
ciological analyses of the forms of expression, exclusivity)7 being aware of it8. The duration
experiences and representations of love (Eraly and intensity of a love relationship need to
and Moulin, 1995; Pagés, 2008; Illouz, 2012), be taken into account, because most (if not
and of the links between love, mobility, glo- all) analyses of infidelity fail to do so. Of in-
balisation and modernity (Illouz, 2006; Hirsch terest here are “double lives” 9, considered
and Wardlow, 2006; Charlsey, 2012); and in as a long-lasting and intense connection re-
broader terms, some of the literature has ana- lationship which has lasted (or lasted) sev-
lysed the social production of emotions (Lutz eral years, during which the lovers see/saw
and White, 1986; Héritier et al., 2004; Charmil- each other several times a month.
lot, Dayer and Schurmans, 2008; Fernandez, After explaining the research methodol-
Lézé and Marche, 2008). But the hypothesis ogy, first it will be shown that love for the
that there are specific forms of male domi- family, especially men’s, is the main expla-
nance in love relationships in Western socie- nation for male domination in the configu-
ties4 is still in its infancy. rations studied here. This will be followed
Extramarital relationships therefore are an by a discussion on how women incorporate
important field of observation of the modali- this symbolic male violence.
ties of gender production insofar as they are
love dyads5 forged outside of the conjugal in-
stitution. It can therefore be hypothesised that Methodology
the norm of gender equality is weakened in
these configurations. As the notion of equal- The study was carried out in two phases:
ity is a political one, it does not penetrate the from 2009 to 2015 (Garcia, 2016), and from
space of intimacy that is deeply altered by 2016 to 2018 (Garcia and Nkoma-Ntche-
conceptions of differences between the sexes mandji, 2019; Garcia, 2021). Adulterous rela-
(Collin, 1999). My hypothesis is that outside of tionships are, by definition, secret. Therefore,
the institutionalised, socially controlled cou- it is difficult to find people who are willing to
ple, archaic logics of male domination unfold. discuss their experience (Van, 2010; Belt-
The analysis focuses on long-term ex- zer and Bozon, 2006). The respondents were
tramarital relationships in France6 that in- met in the first phase through personal social
media and internet forums and blogs on the
4
subject. The framework changed in the se-
I repeat here the translation made by Françoise Ar-
mangaud of the geopolitical and cultural spaces used cond phase after the publication of my book
by Nader (2006) under the terms “East” and “West”.
The author mainly considers Western countries to in-
clude the United States and Western Europe.
infidelity” was no longer “contrary to the common rep-
5 The notion of a “couple” seems to refer to daily coex- resentation of morality”.
istence, even to the institutionalisation of marriage and 7 The study focuses on heterosexual unions because
especially to commitment. For this reason, I have called
the inclusion of homosexual unions requires comple-
the relationship between two people who, in turn, live
mentary work regarding the construction of the exclu-
with other people as a couple as a “dyad”.
sivity norm in these configurations.
6 French law relating to marriage and adultery is simi- 8 There are several definitions of infidelity in the field
lar to Spanish law on these matters. Adultery is not a
of social science research. Gladiminet López-Figueroa
crime. It should also be noted that an ordinance of 4
and Juan Aníbal González-Rivera (2019) reviewed them.
July 2005 repealed any notion of “adulterous child”
from the French Civil Code. Years later, on 17 Decem- 9 The use of the term “double life” does not mean that
ber 2015, the French Supreme Court approved a signif- the two relationships are equivalent, since only one is
icant change in jurisprudence by declaring that “marital lived visibly (Bozon, 2001).
Reis. Rev.Esp.Investig.Sociol. ISSN-L: 0210-5233. N.º 175, July - September 2021, pp. 47-6250 Between Family and Love: Gender Tensions between Lovers
Amours clandestines (2016). A number of lation studied was not due to an initial in-
people wrote to me, as they wanted to be in- tention to restrict the survey to these social
terviewed. backgrounds, but to fieldwork impact. Per-
A total of fifty-five people were inter- sonal social media primarily gave access to
viewed: twenty-one women who had a individuals belonging to social categories
partner, fifteen “free” women (lovers of a close to my own. Through Internet forums
man who had a partner), eighteen married and blogs, I contacted individuals who were
men, and a single man who was the lover not only familiar with virtual modes of com-
of a married woman. Access to men was munication, but also had the ability to write
about themselves.
complicated due to the fact that the survey
was carried out by a woman, which influ-
enced a study on intimacy (Ducombe and
The family at the heart of “unfaithful
Marsden, 1993). It was also difficult be-
people”
cause men have a lower propensity than
women to share knowledge about their in- Men’s love for their family
timate life with others, due to their sociali-
The family constitutes a moral, symbo-
sation.
lic and material value above other social
Only one single man could be found ties (love, friendship, work, leisure...) for an
who had been a lover of a married woman overwhelming majority of the French po-
for ten years. This does not mean that pulation. The study entitled Histoires de
this situation is uncommon, but that I was vie carried out by the INSEE (Institut Natio-
unable to access more individuals who nal de la Statistique et des Études Écono-
had experienced it. The category of “free” miques) in 2003 indicated that more than
women was not homogeneous, since it in- 80% of men and women mentioned the fa-
cluded women who had been married or mily as the area with which they most iden-
in a relationship and had left their spouse tified themselves, ahead of “profession and
after their love affair with a married man education”, “friends” and “leisure”. The
(9 women), divorced women (11 women), people interviewed also placed great value
and long-term singles (7 women). These on the family as a unit made up of children
last two categories of women are of inter- and parents.
est to the extent that in some cases ac- The male respondents had difficulty in
cess was gained to their lovers. It should conceiving of the mother of their children
be noted that the choice of respondents apart from their family. For example, Louis,
and the most outstanding accounts were a 59-year-old manager with 4 children and
based on a concern for representativeness 2 grandchildren had been in a relationship
in the qualitative sense, that is, consider- with Alix (33 years old; single manager; no
ing that “each individual is the bearer of children) for 4 years. Alix asked Louis to
the culture and subcultures to which that choose between his love affair and his of-
individual belongs and is representative of ficial partner. Louis chose his partner and
them” (Michelat, 1975: 232) and that this Alix left him. But before separating, the
study did not cover all existing configura- young woman wanted the man she loved
tions and situations. to explain why he told her that he could not
The respondents belonged to middle leave his wife. He replied: “That would kill
and higher social strata and were of Euro- her”.
pean descent. The absence of significant The idea that the wife would not sur-
socioeconomic disparities within the popu- vive a separation appears regularly in the
Reis. Rev.Esp.Investig.Sociol. ISSN-L: 0210-5233. N.º 175, July - September 2021, pp. 47-62Marie-Carmen Garcia 51
accounts of the men interviewed. It was Hervé also explained the importance of
combined with the idea that their children family stability for him.
would also be deeply distressed by their
What does your family mean to you? Stability.
parents separating. Parents of adult chil-
Security and stability. Security, the aspect of
dren spoke of the sadness that their grand-
mental security in relation to today’s environ-
children or future grandchildren would feel
ment, and the fear of tomorrow. My wife and I
if their grandparents were separated. In built something, we were young, we had pro-
short, for these men, separation from their blems, like everyone else [...]. We have friends
partner was considered “impossible” be- with whom we get on, we have lovely children,
cause it would be the source of family who are successful, who are healthy, which is
misfortunes. It is a representation of fam- important. We have a group of friends and fa-
ily division as “a misfortune that is the be- mily. I think: “Why would I leave her?” (Refers to
ginning of all misfortunes” (Lenoir, 2003: his wife). Honestly, why? To do what? Maybe to
45) characteristic of the “family discourse” find someone who’s going to piss me off all day?
theorised by Pierre Bourdieu (1993). There- (Laughs) Seriously? My wife is a nice woman and
fore, maintaining the family together with I get on well with everyone. We never fight. Ne-
ver. We know what we want and especially what
the wife was the main source of justifica-
we don’t want (Hervé; 40 years old; he has been
tion for maintaining the formal relationship.
in a relationship with the same woman for 26
These men defined themselves as “faithful years [married for 20 years]; 2 children; manager
within infidelity”: they kept family commit- of a small business; had an extramarital affair for
ments at all costs. 2 years).
I am faithful because I am not going to leave my These men expressed norms and val-
wife. Our project is our children, and I am com-
ues marked by a representation of mas-
mitted to this. I’m not twenty anymore, I can’t
culinity based on the figure of the “head
do what I want. My parents taught me that it is
important for a man to keep his commitments of the family”, owner of his home, and re-
and he does not leave a woman that he made sponsible for the material comfort of his
a commitment to. What I do with my sex is my family, which is conceived of as being in-
business, what I do with my heart is my busi- dissoluble. Male marriage and family ideals
ness. But I keep my commitments (Christophe; are here implicitly focused on a model of
48 years old; company manager; he has lived the couple erected in the nineteenth cen-
with the same woman for 28 years; they have tury that fosters the moral opportunity for
2 children; he has had an extramarital affair for men to seek sexual and loving satisfaction
4 years).
outside their home. This model is prior to
Christophe’s speech was based on a the one that has been gradually imposed
conjugal model in which moral commit- since the seventies in France, in which the
ment goes beyond the individual’s will ideal couple is self-sufficient and provides
and wishes, disputes between spouses the spouses with all their intimate needs
and even love between them. This con- (Neyrand, 2018).
ception of matrimonial union dominated As far as women are concerned, their
French culture in different ways until the socio-professional status in the 2003 sur-
last third of the 20th century (Ariès, Duby vey significantly qualified the value they
y Chartier, 1986; Flandrin, 1982). Christo- placed on the family. Women who held po-
phe incorporated this “honour code” that sitions of responsibility were characterised
did not exclude the possibility of obtain- by professional identifications that com-
ing sexual satisfaction outside of the offi- peted with family identifications, creating
cial partnership. an autonomous “self” that was partially
Reis. Rev.Esp.Investig.Sociol. ISSN-L: 0210-5233. N.º 175, July - September 2021, pp. 47-6252 Between Family and Love: Gender Tensions between Lovers
detached from their family situation. Work- female lover’s room for manoeuvre then in-
ing-class or non-working women mostly volves choosing between continuing their
identified with their role as mothers. Ac- relationship under the conditions establis-
cording to Olivia Samuel (2008), these dif- hed by their male lover or ending it. Faced
ferences are due to the fact that women in with this dilemma, the participants inter-
high positions are more likely to be without viewed always preferred to remain in their
a partner and without children than women relationship (at least for a few years) and
who are unemployed or in low-skilled jobs. most of them envisaged that the initial pact
But above all, women generally prefer be- might be revised later.
ing seen as having a double identification Only women who knew their hidden
as a mother and as a woman, while men lovers at a time when divorce was less
define themselves more in terms of their common than today understood immedi-
role as a father and a spouse. Indeed, in ately that their lover would not leave his
general, women have a high propensity to wife. In exchange for concealment, these
claim an autonomous identity (“First I am women have asked the man for constant
a woman”), while men’s ways of defining availability, frequent contact, and roman-
themselves does not stray very far from tic behaviour. For women in their 40s and
family roles, particularly that of fatherhood 50s, however, divorce is possible or even
(Samuel, 2008). For the female respond- desirable to “leave their double life be-
ents, this translated into a much greater hind”. Claudia’s story is characteristic of
appreciation of marital love than of love women who can no longer bear living their
for the family: “For me, the partnership is love in hiding, even if this is not a problem
at the centre, and around that is the fam- for their married lover:
ily, the children. It is the couple that is at
the core: the children, the family, are the For a long time, I did not have sex with this
consequence of the partnership” (Anne; man, I was a strong believer (Catholic), we
47 years old; doctor; married for 15 years; went out, we talked. I tried to stop thirty times,
to return each time to this relationship [...]. I
1 child; 6 years in a clandestine relation-
carried on with this extramarital affair for six
ship). Unlike men, the women interviewed
tumultuous years, constantly trying to stop it,
conceived of a symbolic and practical sep- turn it into friendship to continue being compa-
aration between their partner and their tible with my religious convictions. I finally left
family. They did not seem willing to keep my husband and my family after 25 years living
the family made up of the parents and chil- together. I was at fault, I felt dishonest staying
dren together, and they did not shy away with my husband without being able to give
from the idea of reconstituting their family him the love he gave me [...]. When I left home,
anew, leaving their spouse for their lover. I no longer felt guilty. It was pleasurable, it was
a wonderful relationship, [I had] unforgetta-
ble moments with my lover. I accepted the
When men do not divorce, it is women who
fact that he was with someone else, I accep-
suffer ted that he probably had other female friends,
I accepted that too! My desire for this person
The irrevocable framework of the hidden re-
was greater than anything else (smile). Still is.
lationship is thus systematically based on
Still after eight years! I wonder if I’m not a little
explicit or inexplicit male symbolic power stupid (laughs) (Claudia; 46 years old; teacher;
(Garcia, 2016b; Garcia, 2016c). Some men 3 children; married for 14 years; 25 years living
tell their lover in the first days, weeks or with her ex-husband; she had an extramari-
months of the relationship that they will not tal affair for 6 years that continues after her di-
leave their wives, others never tell her. The vorce).
Reis. Rev.Esp.Investig.Sociol. ISSN-L: 0210-5233. N.º 175, July - September 2021, pp. 47-62Marie-Carmen Garcia 53
Situations in which, after several years Loneliness weighs on me and meeting men on
in a hidden relationship, a woman leaves a dating website to get rid of my “impossible
her spouse while her lover continues their love” did me no good, because I get attached
official relationship are not uncommon. easily. At first I was happy, and I thought: “Well,
it’s actually fast. All my friends say you don’t get
When women and men maintained their
to know anyone on the websites, but that’s not
official relationship, it was seen that the
true”. On the first date, I met a nice man and I
former gradually adhered to the “family thought “Wow, that’s really cool!” And a week
values” defended by their lovers to the later, “boom!”, I never heard from him again. I
detriment of their ideal of an official love don’t know why [...]. Psychologically, I would
partner, as they considered that the dis- like to have a person, someone to talk to. When
solution of families would ultimately lead I go out, I see other people with their partner and
to insurmountable problems and that their I am alone in the cinema, and I think to myself:
love would be harmed. Over the years, “but why is this happening to me? I’m not more
the persistence of a dual situation led sev- Stupid than the others” (Nadège, 41, divorced,
2 children, has been married for 20 years, has
eral women in the survey to abandon their
had a married lover the last 2 years of her ma-
dreams of “living together” (that had been
rriage, with whom she continues to have a rela-
frequent in the early years). These wom- tionship).
en’s lover “status” was so permanently in-
grained in them that they saw themselves Nadège hoped that Cyril, her married
as such. The relationship became estab- lover, would share his life with her. She
lished and shifted from being “transitory” thought that since he had said that he
to “well-established” in their minds, thus was not happy in his marriage, he would
implicitly defining the roles of each of the only want one thing: to be happy and
lovers on a long-term basis. therefore build a new partnership with a
loving woman like her. But Cyril obviously
did not share this point of view. Nadège
Lovesickness did not understand “how one can con-
tinue living with someone just because
A female malaise you are not unhappy”. In fact, Cyril told
Some women in the study separated from her that his married life was neither happy
their husbands because their new lover was nor unhappy. It seems that the search for
more valuable to them than their marriage marital happiness was not graded on the
or because they could not bear their sense same scale of importance by each of the
lovers. Nadège and Cyril continued their
of guilt. These women aspired to free them-
affair for four years and it ended when he
selves from marital limitations, from a re-
left her.
lationship perceived as a prison, and from
negative emotions. The first period of se- Why did he leave you? I think the relationship
paration was not necessarily happy, but became a burden for him. We didn’t talk about
was usually marked by the hope of a new it at the time, but he had been telling me for
life. Even if they did not immediately admit some time: “Yesterday you called me too many
times” or things like that when I didn’t call him
it, they expected their lover to be part of an
more than usual. Maybe he was giving me some
existence that promised to be happy and
signs. He was very stressed about the relations-
fulfilling. But the feeling of finally being free hip. Very paranoid too. It is true that the last time
was replaced by loneliness as the months we met in Lyon, we were together on the under-
passed. This cruelly emerged when the wo- ground platform and we bumped into his niece;
man saw it confirmed that her lover would we were not very close, so it didn’t matter, but
stay with his wife. that did not help his paranoia. So, as he was very
Reis. Rev.Esp.Investig.Sociol. ISSN-L: 0210-5233. N.º 175, July - September 2021, pp. 47-6254 Between Family and Love: Gender Tensions between Lovers
paranoid, what others saw also mattered a lot can be assumed that this is rooted in the
[...]. But above all it weighed him down. I was so- idea, propagated by the “happiness indus-
mehow ruining his life, I think. He was not well. I try” (Cabanas and Illouz, 2018), that suc-
think he felt guilty when he went from my house cess or failure, illness or health, wealth or
to his house (Nadège).
poverty, pain or well-being are individual re-
For five years, Caroline also had a very sponsibilities: “There is no structural prob-
strong desire to live with her lover, Marco, lem but only individual psychological de-
a married man with a son: “It was obvious ficiencies; in other words [...] there is no
to me, yes, yes, yes, yes! It was obvious society but only individuals” (Cabanas and
to me”. But Marco told her that he did not Illouz, 2018: 17). From this point of view,
want to leave his wife so as not to hurt his mental suffering is a choice. The discourses
son. He explained to Caroline that he had of happiness specialists, health profession-
never had a father and that he could not do als and a whole series of “moral entrepre-
that to his son. However, although Marco neurs” (Becker, 1973) claim that the pain
was not involved in a life project with her, experienced by the lovers of married men
Caroline left her husband a year after their is to be accounted for by their individual re-
affair began. She says that she “realised” sponsibility.
that her marital relationship had ended and The moral suffering of the female lovers
that her love for Marco showed her that in the survey presented the classic signs of
she could have a different life. Caroline de- depression such as sadness, crying, anxi-
cided to divorce based on her desire to ety, loss of energy, sleep disorders, irrita-
live with Marco. But Marco never left his bility and stress. These signs are gender
wife. For a long time, Caroline blamed him: based. Indeed,
she felt lonely and did not understand why
emotional weakness, a sign of vulnerability, is not
Marco, who said he loved her and was un-
socially accepted among men. For them, the al-
happy with his wife, did nothing to live with ternative is to express their own psychological su-
her. ffering in ways consistent with masculinity criteria:
Caroline then decided to start psycho- anger, aggressiveness, alcohol and drug use, risk
therapy sessions. The main effect of this behaviour, hyperactivity (Salle and Vidal, 2017:
was to dissuade her from wanting to live 44).
with Marco. Caroline concluded that “one This is therefore a social construction
cannot base a relationship on the end of “lovesickness” that carries a gender di-
of another relationship” and that Marco mension, leading women to take respon-
would not be able to “fill in the gaps”. And sibility for their own suffering. The latter is
she added: “I cannot hold him responsi- actually conditioned by the ideological and
ble for my happiness”. Caroline, like other institutional frameworks that structure the
women in her situation, did not question intimate life of individuals. Pain, long ex-
the man’s attitude, but rather her desire alted by Christianity and Romanticism, has
as if it were bad and should be disposed become shameful in the age of capitalism,
of. For example, she stated “I wanted to especially for men. For the contemporary
live with him because I was unhappy”, socially dominant (psychological and com-
and insisted on the fact that her desire to petitive) mentality, the torment of unshared
cohabitate with her lover was caused by desire that was celebrated by courtly love
her malaise. as a sign of spiritual elevation, is today re-
This way of thinking is common among garded as a symptom of poor psychological
women who have a difficult time because health and an indication of failure or a lack
they fall in love with a committed man. It of self-worth (Carnevali, 2013).
Reis. Rev.Esp.Investig.Sociol. ISSN-L: 0210-5233. N.º 175, July - September 2021, pp. 47-62Marie-Carmen Garcia 55
Thus, the women interviewed explained (transactional analysis, meditation, etc.) and
their suffering as if it were the result of their techniques aimed at “being in contact” with
own dependence on a man, as if it were “spontaneous” emotion indicate the glorifi-
their own responsibility and personal failure. cation of a specific model of feeling: being
Julia, a 44-year-old woman, divorced with a sincere, authentic, knowing how to “self-
son, illustrated the feeling of women’s emo- manage”, according to the type of individ-
tional dependence, be they single or mar- ual expected by professionals of “personal
ried. development” or positive psychology (Illouz,
It seems abominable to me, being dependent
2008). Hochschild explained that individual-
on him. Also, I’m always trying to compare my- centred psychotherapeutic techniques are
self to his wife. That is even worse. That’s right, “prepolitical” in the sense that they incul-
I’m constantly comparing myself, it’s atrocious! cate ways of thinking, acting, pleasing oth-
I don’t want to spend my life like this. I think he ers, and meeting social and institutional ex-
controls me. Today I am suffering. Every day I pectations. She added that it is the “scripts”
think: “I have to finish, I have to stop” and then I (implicit rules) linked to standardised so-
can’t, it’s too difficult. Weekends, of course, are cial conventions (especially in the field of
hell. Today, everything seems difficult to me. The interpersonal relationships and communi-
moments of happiness with him are so small that
cation) that organise and guide emotional
I can no longer be satisfied with them. But stop-
work. There are legitimate and non-legiti-
ping is difficult. It’s like a drug addiction... Or any
addiction (Julia). mate emotions and behaviours. The latter
can be judged as “pathological” or “devi-
Love hurts (Illouz, 2012), especially ant”, and “must be corrected” by “working
women. But it is not a question of making on yourself”.
women responsible for their own oppres-
From this point of view, the emergence
sion by suggesting that they deliberately
of “wellness practices” or of certain forms
adopt submission strategies or that they
of psychotherapy results from the impo-
desire their own domination
sition of a psychological norm that arose
in a kind of masochism inherent in their nature from contemporary individualisation proc-
[...] recognition of domination always presuppo- esses. An individual who knows how to
ses an act of knowledge, this does not imply that take a step back with respect to their
one is entitled to describe it in the language of emotions and existential “difficulties”; a
consciousness [...] (Bourdieu, 1998: 62).
self-reflective individual, who opts to ad-
It is rather a question of identifying that just to external limitations or even to give
the sources of this suffering are not specific charm to their daily life to “feel good” is
to clandestine love or to “female psychol- socially valued, as opposed to an indi-
ogy”, they are a social construction of Ro- vidual who questions (and fights against)
manticism that women internalise in child- social limitations and social relationships
hood (Diter, 2019). that lead to existential difficulties, fatigue
The women I interviewed were gener- or malaise.
ally convinced of their emotional weakness The defence of the “right to pleasure”
or deficiencies. Therefore, they assumed that was defended in the seventies in France
the existing stereotyped and stigmatising (and other countries) is now reflected in the
discourses about them. This permanent suffering linked to the absence of pleasure.
and recurring self-questioning can be inter- This suffering is new and seems to extend to
preted in the light of the analysis carried out all sectors of social life (work, family, partner,
by Arlie Russell Hochschild (1983). Hoch- education...): we must take pleasure in eve-
schild explained that the different therapies rything we do, in everything we experience.
Reis. Rev.Esp.Investig.Sociol. ISSN-L: 0210-5233. N.º 175, July - September 2021, pp. 47-6256 Between Family and Love: Gender Tensions between Lovers
Not experiencing pleasure in any situation is most problematic for men: loving a woman
perceived as a symptom of unbearable dis- other than their spouse. Indeed, although
comfort. The persistence of a situation that in other times men could compensate for
makes lovers “feel bad” often translates into the absence of expressions of love towards
personal questioning which, depending on their lovers through material gifts —as is the
the situation, leads to a break with the lover case in African patriarchal societies (Nkoma
or husband or to an “adaptation” to the situ- Ntchemandji, 2016)—, it is morally difficult
ation. to argue not “giving” anything to a woman
Neither of these logics should be con- who “gives everything” in the environments
sidered better or healthier than the other. and settings studied. The moral suffering
The dominant morality and the mandates caused by the impossibility of “giving” to
of autonomy and well-being give prefer- the lover what she expects (love and part-
ence to the break with the lover: in the nership) is, however, less important than
name of the family, the couple, “true” that induced by the feeling of betrayal to-
love, monogamy, transparency, truth, etc. wards the wife. One tactic that men use
But this dominant morality and these so- to overcome this obstacle is not to talking
cial mandates also promote romantic love, about their emotions and feelings with their
self-realisation, sexual freedom, breaking lover in order to limit their emotional com-
away from conventions, etc. Therefore, mitment to her.
they should not be trusted. The moral suf-
fering of the lover is not a “personal prob- The silence of men
lem”, but rather a product of a complex The early stages of any heterosexual love
social system in which symbolic male relationship are marked by an ambivalence
domination is combined, on the one hand, of mutual recognition (building the “us in
with the social demand for autonomy and love” considering that “we are in a rela-
well-being and, on the other hand, with tionship”). At this stage, men tend to de-
romantic love, as well as with a “liber- fend their autonomy and to not “feel com-
ated” sexuality. Thus, women face contra- mitted”, while women work patiently and
dictory norm systems. Each of these sys- painfully to build the partnership they want.
tems activates specific provisions that are They show self-denial and great tolerance
in themselves contradictory. The activa- towards the moral violence that their lo-
tion of contradictory patterns of thought ver inflicts on them (delays in dates, infide-
and action, linked to immersion into op- lities, denial of the relationship, silence for
posing systems of rules, leads to moral several days, going out with other people
distress or socially inappropriate behav- without speaking about it...), but above all
iour (Lahire, 1998). What about male moral they “endure”. They endure this situation
suffering? because they think their relationship brings
Clandestine love affairs also reveal con- them more than it costs them. What does
tradictions in them. These contradictions it bring them? Feeling valued because they
are found particularly in the tension cre- have a special relationship with a man they
ated between the loving commitment to admire. But the greatest value they attri-
the wife, and the feelings they have for their bute to “their man” is none other than the
lover. The duration of the relationship does strictly socially constructed male charac-
not allow these men, unlike what can hap- teristics (moral or physical strength, auto-
pen in casual relationships, to not respond nomy, emotional distance, etc.) that are at
positively to the sentimental expectations of the root of their suffering (Castrillo-Busta-
their lover. This last point seems to be the mante, 2018).
Reis. Rev.Esp.Investig.Sociol. ISSN-L: 0210-5233. N.º 175, July - September 2021, pp. 47-62Marie-Carmen Garcia 57
The symbolic male domination that is portant element in understanding the con-
expressed in heterosexual relationships, struction of the moral suffering of women
often through a higher socio-professional in this study.
position of men than that of women, was Historian Anne-Claire Rebreyend ex-
also a source of satisfaction for the re- plained that, among French couples in the
spondents. First of all, they imagined a fifties,
bright future in their relationship with their
the sparing use of talk, especially when it came to
lover:
expressing an emotion (other than anger), trans-
I said “I love you” but I don’t remember him (her cended social divisions in men, while for women,
married lover) saying it (smile)... Maybe I forgot. talking about their emotions was the easiest way
For example, he had a female friend, with whom out of confinement (Rebreyend, 2008).
he had nothing, I mean, they did not have sexual
relations, from what he told me; he met her more Today, the silence of men is still pain-
or less at the same time as he met me. So every ful, indecipherable and a source of anxious-
now and then, she would call him and I knew ness for women. Women experience it as
it was her in the way he responded softly, ten- a sentimental void that they try to fill with
derly... He didn’t talk to me like that, but since their own words. Contemporary lovers, like
he was with me and not with her, I didn’t care. women who married in the 1950s and six-
(Rosa, 57, social worker. She was married for 23 ties (and probably many married women
years, during which she had a secret affair for 15 today), dream of a loving merge with their
years. She got divorced and continued her rela-
lovers. They all emphasise that they do
tionship with the married man who had been her
not know what “their man” thinks or feels.
lover).
The impossible communication in love, less
According to a study on gender vi- and less tolerated by women since the sev-
olence in couples (García and Casado, enties, especially from the highest social
2010), the persistence of women in a love strata, was experienced by the respondents
relationship that hurts them can be ex- in the form of pain and anguish.
plained by women’s search for continuous In the history of western couples, the
recognition by the men who reject them or model of love built over the years has
only give them partial recognition. There- given way to that of a dream love. The lat-
fore, these women are not dependent on ter seems to be internalised mainly (exclu-
men per se, but on their recognition. Suf- sively?) by women and involves the loving
fering in love is in the interaction between and carnal fusion between the spouses.
women and men; therefore, it is an ef- This model permeates the vision that
fect of the ambiguity maintained by men in women in love have of what their clan-
love relationships, especially when they are destine relationship “should be”, espe-
poorly codified, when the roles and expec- cially since it is experienced as a prepa-
tations of couples are vague and socially ration for married life. However, men lock
undefined. This is the case at the begin- themselves into abysmal silences, greatly
ning of official relationships (Castrillo-Bus- facilitated by the secrecy of the relation-
tamante, 2018) and also of hidden relation- ship and the impossible cohabitation. Un-
ships. It seems that, in these situations, like what happens among cohabiting cou-
men put particularly large emotional dis- ples, women in extramarital relationships
tance between themselves and their lover. do not have the tools to break the silence
And their lover tries to reduce it through imposed by men, nor can they demand
dialogue and discussion, to the point of that they talk to them. Not calling, not tex-
psychological exhaustion. This is an im- ting, not answering them, not having dates
Reis. Rev.Esp.Investig.Sociol. ISSN-L: 0210-5233. N.º 175, July - September 2021, pp. 47-6258 Between Family and Love: Gender Tensions between Lovers
with their lover for days or weeks is indeed passion, submission and discretion, quali-
quite easy for men because they do not ties traditionally associated with femininity,
live with their lovers. seem to find fertile ground for their expres-
Having said that, women tirelessly forge sion in clandestine love (although women
and renew bonds with the man they love, refrain from “seeking” male domination).
promoting nourishing discourses and con- Symbolic male domination finds almost no
versations about love, calling for an imagi- institutional or social obstacle in these con-
nary future between lovers, recalling pre- figurations, and the margins of symbolic re-
cious moments. This feminine fabric of the sistance of women are very narrow due to
bond is not without its effects: men partici- the very fact that they are relationships on
pate in it, with more or less involvement, in- the margins of the institutions and the dom-
terest and conviction. The emotional work inant morality.
of women encourages men to express In the situations studied, the female re-
themselves, but their expression is more an spondents adopted a purely individualis-
echo of the expectations of women than the tic explanatory approach to their problems,
expression of their own discourse. In this when in reality what happened to them de-
way, men manage to produce a discourse rived from the gender system and, more
of love constructed within the framework broadly, from the social structures of dom-
of the conversation about love initiated by ination. The subjects themselves, when
women. But they behave in ways that are at thinking in individual terms, reversed the or-
odds with what women expect from a man der of the causes and effects of their prob-
who tells them he loves them. lems. This led them, for example, to seek
the cause of the difficulties that they en-
countered in issues such as their married
Conclusion life, their family history, their shortcomings,
their incompleteness, in short, denying the
Beyond the similarities between the love structure of gender relations, the socialisa-
affairs studied here and those that can be tion processes, and the social frameworks
observed in other western countries, France in which feelings and emotions are pro-
is unique in highly valuing romanticism as duced (Halbwachs, 2014). There are there-
amour à la française. For example, unlike fore reasons to think that secret love affairs,
the United States, the #MeToo movement by departing from the dominant conjugal
in France was quickly stifled by controversy norms of exclusivity and truthfulness, also
over its excesses, as it ran the risk of ques- emancipate themselves from the contradic-
tioning French “courtly love” (Albenga and tory mandates to which men and women
Dagorn, 2019). are subjected in the contemporary love
couple, where heterosexual desire “must”
The research into clandestine love af-
be combined with the equality of partners
fairs described here has shown that emo-
(Kaufmann, 1993).
tional suffering is female. Women explain
their love-related distress as an expression Clandestine love affairs are presented
of their own dependence on the man they as one of the traditional ways of building
love. These female representations have to male domination. Differentialist ideology
do with the fact that the satisfaction of het- is much more rooted than egalitarian ide-
erosexual desire is usually linked to the ful- ology in the social world10, and finds here
ly-assumed voluntary acceptance of a posi-
tion of inferiority vis-à-vis the “male” partner 10 In France, the sexes are considered to be genera-
(Dayan-Herzbrun, 1991). Dedication, com- lly equal in intelligence, but men are not considered to
Reis. Rev.Esp.Investig.Sociol. ISSN-L: 0210-5233. N.º 175, July - September 2021, pp. 47-62Marie-Carmen Garcia 59
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