Write ON! Humour Autumn 2018 - A quarterly e-zine for the Mississauga Writers Group
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A quarterly e-zine
for the
Mississauga
Writers Group
Write ON!
Humour
Autumn 2018
1
from An Universal Etymological English Dictionary by Nathan Bailey, 1756
2
Table of Contents
The Pitfalls of Being a Kept Susan Lee p. 4
Woman
Funny Is Funny Brian O’Connor p. 8
Edgar and the Mouse Edgar Frondozo p. 12
Personal Reflections on Elizabeth Banfalvi p. 15
Humour
Charlie Chaplin Sajeda Manzoor p. 18
Writing Exercises p. 20
Call for Submissions p. 22
Write ON! in the Future p. 23
Who Are We? p. 24
Wicked Wit from Wise Writers
It's splendid to be a great writer, to put men into the frying pan of your
imagination and make them pop like chestnuts.
- Gustave Flaubert
3
The Pitfalls of Being a Kept Woman
Susan Lee
After being laid off in my early 50’s, I circumstances did not turn out as well
decided it was the right time to as I had expected.
become the elusive “kept woman”. Yes,
A kept woman is expected to do the
that meant going back to the Stone
following:
Age and having “THE MAN” support
me emotionally and financially. I felt 1) Cook breakfast, lunch and
that I had put in my time working dinner, and have it nutritious
since I was 16 years old, and I and delicious every single time.
My previous cooking efforts
deserved a break and a little
consisted of making a snappy
pampering. Another core reason for
meal out of the almost-dead
me dropping out of the rat-race was
vegetables in the fridge and
the inhumane drive that I had on the
the frost-bitten meat in the
dreaded 401. I woke up at 5:00 a.m. freezer. The expectations were
and left my home at 6:00 a.m, driving much lower then. Now, you have
to North York from Mississauga. The to be Martha Stewart’s star
sight of the moon in the morning gave student if you are not working.
me an uneasy feeling and, in my mind, I naively thought that I would
I knew that there was something actually enjoy cooking more if I
clearly not right about this. While on did not have to work. I spent
the 401, if you saw an aerial view of hours studying cooking shows on
my little Scion, it would be boxed in on TV and thought, “That looks
easy.” But these shows leave
all sides by tractor trailers. Either
out all the time-consuming
that or I would be the car most of the
parts of shopping, measuring,
morons chose to cut off because they
cutting, and actual cooking time,
just didn’t get to bully enough kids in
which also conveniently leaves
high school. I bet if I looked like out all the pots and pans and
Arnold Schwarzenegger, they wouldn’t utensils that need to be
be picking on me. So when I was laid washed. So I went back to my
off, I felt that I could finally have tried-and-true recipes which
the career I always dreamed of: being consisted of using garlic, onion,
a Kept Woman! However, soy sauce and oyster sauce. I
recently made some carrot
muffins that ended up looking
4
and tasting like a piece of rock. with you. I attended a health
I officially gave up on the whole club, and I noticed that it was
baking idea. There is some packed during the day. (Don’t
mystical magic involved which I these people work?) Most of
do not have access to. Besides, the women there were stay-at-
nothing can equal a Cobs Bread home moms in their 20’s or 30’s
scone. I don’t care if it contains and/or young single women
unhealthy things. whose bodies were not yet
2) Be very frugal. If you do not showing signs of cellulite or
work, you can spend your hours stretch marks. So yes, it can be
scanning the supermarket lonely. At work, there is always
flyers and coupons so you can some juicy gossip and some
save that extra $1 on your food angry griping going on, which
bill. Also, you must get your makes for interesting
food at several supermarkets, conversation. I also noticed
wherever there is a sale. Oh, that my working friends are not
and you can forget about all that happy of my new status
shopping for clothes. There is of Kept Woman. One so-called
no need to buy fancy designer friend actually seemed shocked
clothes if the highlight of your that I was going to do this and
day is going to Freshco. I simply told me to get a job right away!
cannot stop having my hair dyed She made it seem like my brain
as, without this being done would turn to mush if I spent
every 3 weeks, I would look 100 my days watching the Young and
years old. But since I am not the Restless and lounging out by
working, I must do this myself the swimming pool.
and end up with black spots all 4) Spend more time pleasing your
over my bathtub and shower man. This means being more
walls. I’m suddenly very agreeable and follow his every
conscious about eating out. It lead… Not Happening! He should
used to be a celebration on have known that right from the
Fridays, and we could eat out as beginning that I was not the
a family. Now, we are lucky if stereotypical Asian woman who
we get to go to McDonald’s or is quiet and sweet. This could
have a kiddie cone at Baskin be because I was born in
Robbins. Trinidad and not China. No,
3) Make new friends with people scratch that: my sister-in-law is
who have nothing in common from China and she is nothing
5
like the stereotype either. I am equally uncertain in the realm
probably more tired now than of budgeting and finances, I
before, what with all the think we will be in trouble.
cooking and cleaning I have to
do. I noticed that when I
In summary, being a Kept Woman is
worked, there was more
not it’s all cracked up to be. Maybe
assistance with chores than
when I became Kept. Every the rules are different for “Trophy
morning, I see all the breakfast Wife”. No, that would mean I’d be
dishes piled up in the sink. No with a guy who was twice my age: I’d
one cleans the bathrooms or have to be quiet and subservient, and
vacuums or mows the lawn. maintain my stunningly good looks with
What am I, a live-in maid now? face lifts, tummy tucks, and Botox.
I think that my husband feels a
little less happy now as he has Going back to work doesn’t seem so
the honour of having to “man bad after all.
up” and support me until death ©Susan Lee 2018
does us part. Since we are both
Susan
Lee
Susan is an aspiring
writer and a member of
the Mississauga
Writers Group. Her
writing focuses on using
humour to make sense
of the world around her.
She can be contacted at
info@mississaugawrit
ersgroup.com by
referencing her name.
6
Wicked Wit from Wise Writers
I was sorry to hear my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they
have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and
I am not feeling very well myself.
- Mark Twain
7
Funny Is Funny
Brian O’Connor
Though the number of available wanted to hear jokes or see someone
channels were limited, television was a being funny. Yet, beyond the mask,
very influential medium on me, as a there was often a deeper level of
preteenager, growing-up during the meaning being offered by the
late 1960s and early 1970s. I enjoyed Performer -- if you chose to listen. A
watching the Montreal Expos play message, or an idea to ponder, or
professional baseball against other different perspective to take into
American teams, and occasionally consideration. Reverently, I would
being able to watch Bobby Orr play plant myself in front of the television
hockey for the Boston Bruins, and to watch the weekly broadcast of The
witnessing the thrill of the Hamilton Red Skelton Hour on CBC, every
Tiger Cats becoming the 1972 Grey Tuesday evening at 8 p.m. I didn't
Cup Champions of the Canadian even know why I had to watch that
Football League. Television provided particular show; I just knew that I
me with a window into the chaotic did. It had become addictive, and the
current events of the day, much of world shut-down around me, as I
which seemed overly complicated and watched this seemingly gentle and
depressing to me. On the other hand, kind-hearted man, whose name I
I remember watching, in awe, the originally thought was Red Skeleton,
first lunar landing, and the activities performing humour skits in the form
of human astronauts traversing the of a pair of talking vultures, or the
surface of the Moon, as it was simplistic charm of Clem
somehow being televised back to Kadiddlehopper or the sad humour of
Earth. Freddie the Freeloader. I learned
that humour could have a heart.
As if that wasn't enough, television
also provided me with opportunities to Similarly, I enjoyed watching the
better understand life through the weekly broadcasts of The Carol
lens of laughter. I had become Burnett Show. She also demonstrated
fascinated by the different types of her own kind of sincerity through her
television comedians, who had more to comedy skits. I remember being
offer than just telling jokes and being criticized for watching such light-
funny. I discovered that humour could hearted comedies, but her show had
act like a mask designed to provide Tim Conway, who regularly tormented
entertainment to those who only his fellow actors with some unscripted
8
comment or gesture, causing them to antidotes, her cackling laugh,
struggle to suppress a fit of outrageous hair, and tacky wardrobe.
uncontrollable laughter. She taught me that you can laugh at
yourself, because no one is without
It was Jonathan Winters who flaws -- whether we recognize our own
unhinged me the most, whenever I was idiosyncrasies or not. Rodney
lucky enough to find him on TV. Dangerfield also provided his own
Looking more like a plain and slightly unique over-the-top style of self-
plump salesman in a department store disparaging humour that countered
than a comedian, he had a knack for the delusional importance of the "me"
starting an expressionless story, and generation.
then adding some facial contortions to
deliver a hilarious ending. It's no Through such television shows as the
wonder why he was such a comedic Smothers Brothers, I saw that
influence for Robin Williams. comedy could also be a team sport.
Tom and Dick Smothers bounced
Pat Paulson was another master at comedy off of each other, like tennis
delivering deadpan humour; in players lobbing a ball to score a point.
contrast to Paul Lynde, who seemed to They demonstrated to me that
enjoy his own clever humour as much humour could mask certain types of
as his audience. I enjoyed watching social and political messages, that
Flip Wilson's weekly television show, sometimes got them into trouble. Dan
as well as the vinegary comedy of Rowan and Dick Martin's Laugh-In TV
Redd Foxx on the Sanford and Son series did a better job of humorously
series. It never dawned on me that showcasing political and social issues,
race or gender could hinder the even to the point of attracting then-
delivery of comedy. On the contrary, President Richard Nixon to make his
I found it insightful to see life own brief cameo appearance.
portrayed and expressed from so
many different angles, by so many Closer to home, Johnny Wayne and
different voices. After all, I believe Frank Shuster were a national
that funny is funny, regardless of who treasure as a comic duo whose
delivers the quip. television specials were were as funny
as any American offering. They often
Phyllis Diller was an absolutely seemed to demand an appreciation of
hilarious comedienne to me, because history in order to better comprehend
she could find humour at her own their style of humour. I was
expense; through self-derogatory impressed with their success in the
9
United States but also proud of their funny? Maybe it's some kind of
ongoing loyalty to Canada. personal defence mechanism against
biting satire, or an unconscious
Early on, I realized that humour could reaction to appreciating the fact that
be wielded like a weapon. Strangely, I the joke wasn't aimed at one's self. I
was attracted to Don Rickles and Joan don't know. All I do know is that
Rivers, who could inflict razor-sharp humour has many facets, which makes
humour on their intended targets. I it more complex and fascinating than
would find myself laughing, in spite of just simply being funny. It's an
being uncomfortable by their cruel experience that can be delightful,
words or exaggerated statements. insightful, and sometimes even
That aspect of humour has always frightful.
confused me the most. How can
something so disrespectful be so ©Brian O’Connor 2018
Brian
O’Connor
When he’s not teaching
at one of the local
colleges or working on
an IT services contract,
Brian enjoys writing.
10Wicked Wit from Wise Writers
I am a writer. If I seem cold, it 's because I am surrounded by drafts.
- (Unknown Author)
11Edgar and the Mouse
by Edgar Frondozo
One summer day, a mouse entered the tell your friends not to come inside
house through the slightly open door. the house!"
"Eek!" Andrea screamed. "Catch it! Kill Edgar poked with a chopstick at the
it!" tiny feet to free the mouse. But the
more he poked, the more the mouse
"No, it’s just trying to survive,” Edgar got stuck—first, the back legs, then,
replied. “It will leave as soon as it the left side of the body. Determined
finds some food." to free the mouse, Edgar got the
garden hose and sprayed a jet stream
That night, Edgar left the door ajar of water between the mouse and the
and placed some cheese just outside. glue pad. But the mouse was not
dislodged. Drenched and drowning, the
In the morning, instead of leaving, the mouse was now hopelessly stuck.
mouse invited family and friends.
"I thought you didn’t want to hurt the
Mice were everywhere: under the mouse!" Andrea observed. "You are
stairs, behind the bookshelf, inside torturing it! Just kill it and end its
the piano. misery!"
"Maybe, you should open the windows "I can't!" Edgar gazed at the poor
too!" Andrea exclaimed. mouse.
Disappointed by the rodent's "Drown it in a bucket of water!"
betrayal, Edgar reluctantly and with Andrea suggested.
heavy heart bought mouse traps and
glue pads, and placed them "I can't kill it!" Edgar repeated.
strategically around the house. The
first mouse caught was tiny, about "I'm sorry, Squeaky!" Edgar said to
twice the size of his thumb, its two the mouse as he took the glue pad
front legs stuck on a glue pad. outside and on to the street. He
placed the glue pad on the road. He
"Poor little thing!" Edgar said to couldn't look as the first car passed
himself as he carried the glue pad and heard the clack, clack, clack when
outside. "I will set you free so you can the glue pad stuck to the tire.
12In the next few days all the mice left, ©Edgar Frondozo 2018
having heard what happened to
Squeaky.
Edgar
Frondozo
Edgar is a retired IT
professional. He lives
with his wife and a
Paperanian named
Turon in Mississauga,
Ontario. He is
currently a consulting
partner of Slingshot
VoIP, a mobile office
communications
network. He writes
mostly about his
experiences with his
grandchildren.
13Wicked Wit from Wise Writers
“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”
- Douglas Adams
14Personal Reflections on Humour
Elizabeth Banfalvi
What makes you laugh? Is it a joke? My children were a great target for
Is it a comedy routine that you have my humour—and still are, but they
seen? Is it being between great have added my grandchildren now. We
friends and you are having fun? That have had many a laugh, and they
is the best—when you don’t need developed great senses of humour. My
anything else but companionship to older grandson played hockey, and I
find something humorous to laugh stood and listened to him talking to
about. another player. Every second
adjective was the same, and it started
Humour is so amazing for so many
with a “f” and contained a “k”. It was
reasons. It releases us from our
something I was used to with all the
stress and gets us to see things
hockey players, so it didn’t bother me.
differently. One thing I always did
It was their way of letting off steam.
when I was working at my admin jobs
Any hockey game you watch has the
was getting my co-workers to laugh –
same thing going on. To tease my
sometimes it worked and sometimes,
grandson after the player left, I told
unfortunately, it didn’t. Some people
him about all the other wonderful
were more stressed out than others
adjectives in the English language and,
and they wanted to stay that way.
of course, he just shrugged and
Work was easier when we laughed
started walking away. He turned back
together. We always had something to
and said he could add “Mother” to it! I
talk or just unconsciously laugh about,
laughed because it sounded too much
about our families or daily happenings.
like me to attempt anything further.
It made the day brighter and shorter.
Work shouldn’t be just about work: it I have gone through many happenings
should be about people who work, and in my life, and humour has saved me so
we were that. I retired a few years many times. I have dealt with my older
ago, and what was such a beautiful son dying, a marriage break-up and
thing I was told by one of my fellow cancer all in ten years. I cannot think
workers was that she missed my laugh. where I would be if humour wasn’t
(I guess she forgave me for there to brighten my day. At the
everything else I did to her. I was her darkest, something happened and I
constant tease about everything, laughed, and it brightened the time.
including her kids, but it was done in I teach stress workshops, and humour
good humour and mainly to make her is the best thing I can bring to my
ease up from her work stress.) workshops – I always infuse laughter
15into the happenings. It teaches the things that we do or exchanged
participants that stress can have glances with someone who does it.
humour and it’s good to infuse your Learn to brighten someone else’s life
life with it. Nothing is 100%, and and you will be the one who benefits
neither should stress be that. Learn the most from it. Learn to laugh at
to laugh and lighten the load. I teach yourself, because life just isn’t as
them by asking them questions about serious as what we think. I have the
their childhood and what made them best life because it gives me the best
happy. It is the most innocent time of examples of being totally humorous
their lives, so to recapture that they without trying.
learn to be able to laugh again. We are Find the humour in every moment and
so ingrained in what we are doing at you will be amazed at how life will be
the present time, we forget that better. Go for it!
laughter can be part of that.
©Elizabeth Banfalvi 2018
Humour doesn’t have to be big or
overwhelming. It can be the little
Elizabeth
Banfalvi
Elizabeth Banfalvi is
the author of
Meditation book
series, and conducts
workshops on stress
relief naturally &
meditation.
16Wicked Wit from Wise Writers
When I was a little boy, they called me a liar, but now that I am a grown up they
call me a writer.
- Isaac Bashevis Singer
17Charlie Chaplin
Sajeda Manzoor
Humor is an interesting topic to write In my childhood, we had only black and
about because life without humor white television. Charlie Chaplin’s
would be boring—just like life without movies were telecasted on weekends
cold cappuccino, pop, smoothies, by a special channel. There were no
yummy food, watching a comedy movie, YouTube channels, cellphones, tablets,
music and visiting the beach. I always computers or internet at that time.
like to watch comedy movies and TV We are so blessed to have these
episodes. I will write today about the amenities now. We used to wait for
funniest person in the world who made weekends to watch Charlie Chaplin’s
trillions of people laugh with his movies, or sometimes we went to the
actions and gestures. He is the theatre. His movies were really funny.
superhero of comedy movies: Charlie I enjoyed them with my family and
Chaplin. friends. I used to laugh and laugh—
sometimes, I could not stop. I will
When I decided to write about humor,
mention one of his movies, The Kid. It
Charlie Chaplin’s funny movies flashed
was released in 1921. This is the great
into my mind. He was a great actor
picture upon which the famous
who made so many generations laugh
comedian worked for a whole year. I
with his mischievous acting. The sweet
have watched more than a thousand
little man with a bowler hat, a funny
episodes of his work. Children and
mustache and cane was an iconic
adults have tried to mimic him, and so
figure of the silent-film era. He was
many other artists and comedians
one of the most popular actors,
followed him, but they were not
writers and directors. Since
successful like the great comedian.
childhood, I’ve loved to watch his
His body language and style of walking
black and white movies. His acting,
and laughing were phenomenal.
actions and gestures made people
laugh so much, as if they’d had One more movie I will mention is The
laughing gas. He was an epic actor Great Dictator, which was nominated
with incredible skills. I think it is very for five Academy Awards. He was, I
difficult to make people laugh without think, the most talented British actor
words, only through action. and comedian. He was born in London,
England on April 16, 1889. His father
18was a versatile vocalist and her British actor was one of the biggest
mother was a beautiful actress and stars of the 20th century.
singer. He was a pioneer of the silent
I will end my piece with a humorous
film era and the movie industry. He
poem.
died on December 25, 1977. This
A stick is scary
It always scares me
A man with a magic stick
With a sexy smile!
Sajeda
Guess who is he? Manzoor
Sajeda is a writer from
The best comedian
Mississauga. Look for
With the treasure of humor
her work with
Is the Charlie Chaplin Mississauga Writers
Group.
Everyone knows him as a funny guy
Without any words
A bag full of laughing gas
Made us laugh
Is an epic!
A tribute to him
With a bunch of love
Is the shiny star.
©Sajeda Manzoor 2018
19Writing Exercise
Anecdote
or
How to Make the People Spray their Tea
An anecdote is a funny little story.
Take a situation you were in and turn it into an anecdote. Remember that you, as a
writer, have been gifted with literary license, so embellishment is de rigueur—for
the benefit of your audience, of course.
20Writing Exercise
Telling a Tall Tale
or
Channelling Your Inner Monty Python
The Baron travels underwater, illustrated by Gottfried Franz.
Gottfried Franz (1846-1905) - The Miraculous Andventures of Baron Münchhausen. Translated by O. I. Rogova - 3rd ed. SPb.
Publisher: A. F. Devrien, 1896. 50 pages
Children are absolute masters of the tall tale. It’s unfortunate that we lose the
skill as we get older.
Write a tall tale or retell one you recall from literature.
21Write ON! The Winter Issue
Call for Submissions
The theme for the Winter issue is
Science
The deadline is November 15th, 2018.
Stuck for ideas? Consider some of these words:
knowledge, technology, information, experiment, theory, practice, hypothesis
medicine, biology, geography, chemistry, archeology, psychology, logic, mathematics
technique, method, approach
N.B. Content which contains hate
Submission guidelines:
speech or images, extreme violence or
• electronic submissions only explicit sexuality will not be published.
• send submissions to
sheilavdhc@gmail.com
and
info@mississaugawritersgroup.com
• include submission, a short bio (2-3
sentences) and an author’s photo
• ensure your submission is relevant
to the theme
• content must be in English or
include an English translation
22Write ON! in the Near Future
Not inspired by the theme for the
upcoming issue of Write ON? Perhaps you
need a
different theme. Here are the upcoming
themes for Write ON!:
Winter 2018 Science deadline November 15th
Spring 2019 Mental Health deadline February 15th
Summer 2019 Music deadline May 15th
Autumn 2019 The Global Village deadline August 15th
A reminder that Write ON! also accepts
theme-related drawings, paintings and
photos from group members. Please send
images in .jpg format.
23We Are the Mississauga Writers Group
We are a group of writers who have We would love to have writers from our
established this forum to share our community join us. All aspiring and
experiences and pursue our dreams established writers are most welcome. We
through creativity, knowledge and mutual believe we all have something special inside
respect. We want to learn from our us. Come explore your talent with the
strengths and talents and have enjoyable Mississauga Writers Group!
and stimulating conversations that only
writers can relate to!
Website - mississaugawritersgroup.com
Email - info@mississaugawritersgroup.com
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