Gorgeous George and the ZigZag Zit-faced Zombies - By Stuart Reid A screenplay Based on the novel by Stuart Reid

Gorgeous George and the ZigZag Zit-faced Zombies

                  By Stuart Reid

                   A screenplay

         Based on the novel by Stuart Reid

FADE IN:

EX. FIELDS SURROUNDED BY THICK FOG AT SIDE OF QUIET ROAD AND EDGE OF FOREST.
DARKNESS. NIGHT. PAN OUT to reveal long stretch of road, alongside dense forest

SUPER: ‘The characters portrayed in this film are fictional. Any similarity to
person, persons or teachers alive, dead or undead is purely coincidental’

PAN TO:
Headlights, speeding black 4x4 SUV races passed, followed by slower, heavy
military truck.

SUV speeds away faster. Truck struggles to keep up, lurching around bends and
corners with cliffs, high drops and sloping fields.

CLOSE UP:
Rear of truck contains barrels of toxic fluid

CLOSE UP:
DRIVER OF TRUCK wearing yellow Hazmat suit, breathing heavily.

EXTREME CLOSE UP:
Buckles on the straps surrounding the barrels loosening off.

CUT TO:
Truck bouncing around corner

EXTREME CLOSE UP:
Buckles on the straps loosen off completely.

PAN TO:
Long sloping grass field beyond the forest, smothered in low fog

SMASH CUT:
Barrel falls loose, crashes over the edge of truck and bounces down hillside

CLOSE UP:
DRIVER OF TRUCK oblivious to loss of barrel, drives on.

CUT TO:
Barrel bouncing downhill, eventually landing with a splash at edge of pond.
Barrel lid pops off, begins leaking green substance into the water.

PAN TO lights of a small town in the distance.

FADE IN:

EX.       MORNING. BRIGHT SUNSHINE
North Yorkshire, rolling green countryside. The small town is in the distance.
PAN back to pond. Butterfly flutters past, landing on flowers around waters
edge. Finally lands on flowers near slime barrel. Butterfly frazzles into a
smoking crisp. Water glows green.

SMASH CUT:
GRANDPA JOCK FULL SCREEN, bald on top, ginger hair around sides, ginger
moustache, very excited, almost angry with a glint of mischief in his eyes. He’s
agitated and animated with wild gesticulations and raised eyebrows. His big
bushy moustache has a life of its own. He DRAGS THE MOVIE REEL OFF THE SCREEN
and bums his face onto the black space. (Looks like an old ginger Robert
Carlysle)He has a very Scottish accent. Behind him is a WHITE BACKGROUND.

                         GRANDPA JOCK
     You! Yeah you, watching this program. Stop it right now. That’s it,
     stand up, walk away and don’t ever think about watching it. Right?!
     (PAUSES)

     You’re still watching, aren’t ye?

     What did I just tell you? Stop blooming watching! It’s too
     dangerous. The secrets in this film have caused way too much
     trouble for me and George already and don’t think I’m coming to
     rescue your butt if you’re abducted by zombies. Once is enough for
     me. (STARTLED) Er…zombies, no. I meant to say ‘zebras’, yeah, if
     you’re abducted by zebras. (PAUSES)

     Still watching? You’re a brave wee soul, aren’t ye? Either that, or
     just plain stupid.

     Well, don’t say I didn’t warn ye.

     Anyway, I knew you’d be difficult aboot this. That’s why I don’t
     care if you try to watch this movie or not. Ye see, the government
     have secretly implanted an amnesia chip onto the 24th slide on every
     reel (FLASH) Yeah, like that one. (FLASH) There’s another.
     (FLASH)And another...

     (FLASH, FLASH, FLASH) And another three... (Grandpa Jock looks
     dizzy and sick) Right, stop, this could go on for ages so just take
     my word for it, alright! Every second of film contains a memory

erasing laser that wipes your mind from the minute you start
    watching to the second you stop. Zapped! Just gone.

    As soon as you finish close your eyes or even blink, your memory
    will be automatically scrubbed and you’ll remember nothing of this
    story. But no one would ever believe you if you did.

    Please be careful though. If you’re watching this in High
    Definition then the amnesia effect is doubled.

INSERT SHOT:

MAN leaves movie theatre, goes to bathroom, sits on toilet. Then walks
out of restroom with brown smudges on rear of his pants.

                   GRANDPA JOCK (Cont.) (V.O.)

    You can go to the bathroom and your head will still be filled with
    zappy amnesia particles. You do your business, you stand up and
    hear the flush then you totally forget to wipe your own bum
    afterwards!!

BACK TO GRANDPA JOCK addressing the camera:

                   GRANDPA JOCK (Cont.)

    I’ve heard of some nasty accidents with the whole high definition
    needing-a-poop-scenario. Urgh, messy!

    Scientists are now calling this the Cinematic Reactive Auto-
    flushing Process….

SUPER: ‘Cinematic Reactive Auto-flushing Process’

                   GRANDPA JOCK (Cont.)

    or CRAP for short.

SUPER: CRAP

                   GRANDPA JOCK (Cont.)

    It’s a tricky one so watch out for the effects. And then there’s
    this behavioural loop. You’re watching this program on TV. You need
    the loo so you press pause, go to the toilet, empty your bladder
    and come back to the TV.

    You start to watch the movie again but you forget you’ve just been
    to the toilet!! The whole mental cycle begins over. Some guys have
    worn out their wieners overnight becoming trapped in this vicious
    circle. So again, you have been warned.

And for goodness sake, stop picking your nose! I can see you! This
     is a two-way screen and it’s not looking pretty from my end!

     However, if for some reason these amnesia chips are faulty and you
     can remember what you’ve seen, please follow this wee rules.

           DO NOT tell anybody what happens! Especially not my grandson
           George. He can’t remember anything about it and thinks it was
           a plain old boring week after the summer holidays. George must
           never find out about this – it would freak him out too much.

     Honestly, it’s for your own good. You’re safer not knowing. And I
     promised the government that I wouldn’t say anything about that
     zombie epidemic we had recently.

     Oops! I mean zebras. Ach, too late. Right, last chance....Stop
     watching now!

QUICK CUT:

Fuzzy screen, white noise.

FADE IN:
EX.       MORNING. BRIGHT SUNSHINE
Back to pond. Small town in the distance. MRS MACPHERSON, an overweight, elderly
female teacher with wild and disheveled hair. Her eyes are small and piggy,
blood-shot and tired; she is bored, nasty and desperate for retirement.

She is leading a group of primary school pupils up the hill towards the pond.
Children are laughing and playing in the field. They begin picking flowers from
around the edge of the pond.

As children pick flowers, green mush oozes from the stems and sticks to their
fingers.

                            CHILD 1
           Urgh! Miss? There’s something wrong with the flowers here, Miss.

                            CHILD 2
           Yeah, they’re like all slimy and mooshy.

MRS MACPHERSON
                 (shouting, in a slight Scottish accent.)
           Just pick the bloody flowers! (Turns away - muttering) Bloody school
           governors, stupid nature programs, goddamn field trips (continues
           muttering)

Mrs Macpherson takes a surreptitious drink from her small hipflask.

EX. MORNING, BRIGHTLY
The small town, CLOSE IN to the school yard. CLOSE UP on GEORGE HANSEN, pale
skinned, bushy ginger haired 10 year old school boy, small, quiet but confident,
his face is ever so slightly out of shape, slight crook in his nose (like a
young Owen Wilson) but with a mischievous look in his eye He is standing alone,
surrounded by small groups of whispering pupils.

One group contains four pupils, all 10 or 11 years old. KENNY ROBERTS, blond
tousled hair, slightly manic look, Yorkshire accent. ALISHA SAFAR, pretty, olive
skin, dark hair, intelligent. BEN AND BARBARA HUSS, twins, dark ebony skin, BEN
with cornrows, BARBARA, floppy afro with highlights. BEN is wearing his pants
low, the waistband of his boxers showing.

                            KENNY
                (pointing over to GEORGE)
           Who’s the new kid?

                            BEN
           Dunno, but he looks kinda weird.

                            ALISHA
           I heard he’s from Scotland. His name’s George. George Hansen, I
           think.

                            BEN
           Handsome? He ain’t handsome. He just fell out of the ugly tree and
           hit every branch on the way down.

                            BARBARA
           I think he looks kinda cute.

                            BEN
           He looks like Mr Potato-Head.

                            KENNY
           Yeah, like Mr Potato-Head’s been put together in the dark, with your
           eyes closed.

BEN
                 (laughing)
           And blindfolded.

                            KENNY
           And look how pale he is! He’s gonna fry out here.

                            ALISHA
           Well, I suppose Scotland is a very dull, wet country. I bet his
           skin’s never even seen sunshine before.

                            BEN
           He’s a peeled Mr Potato-Head!

                            KENNY
            He’s gonna fry like a fart in a furnace!(both boys are laughing
           hard. George turns to see who’s laughing and scowls)

                            BEN
                 (Shouting over)
           It’s OK, dude. You be gorgeous, George.
(George turns away. The bell rings, pupils begin to file into class)

                            BARBARA
           I still think he’s kinda cute.

                            KENNY
           I still think he’s gonna fry.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CLASSROOM. Teacher MRS WATT, tall, hawk-like, narrow untrusting eyes, long
nose and horn-rimmed glasses, watching every pupil suspiciously as they enter
the class. George is last to enter.
                            MRS WATT
           Now take out your books at chapter 23, where we left off yesterday
           and….(turns to George) Oh, you must be the new boy. Hansen, isn’t it.
           (addresses the class) Children, this is George Hansen, he’s just
           moved to our fine town of Little Pumpington…
(George sniggers)
                            MRS WATT(Cont.)
           and he’ll be attending Little Pumpington Primary School….
(George sniggers again, other pupils join in quietly. Mrs Watt shoots him a
glance)

KENNY makes a quiet little pumpy ‘fart’ sound. George has to bite his lip to
stop laughing

MRS WATT
           Is there something the matter, George?

                            GEORGE
                 (trying not to laugh)
           No, Mrs Watt.

                            MRS WATT
           Good! So, he’ll be attending Little Pumpington Primary…
KENNY drops another fart noise. More of the classroom snigger. Mrs Watt stares
daggers at Kenny)

                            GEORGE
           I’m sorry, Miss. I’m just not used to your accent in England.
Mrs Watt is distracted from Kenny for a second and returns to stare at George.

                            MRS WATT
           Yes, well, quite. Go and sit down at the empty desk next to Alisha
           there. Yes, there, at the back.

George drags his chair back and it makes a fart noise on the floor. Kenny
follows with a squeaky pump of his own. The class begins to laugh but Mrs Watt
picks up a marker pen and hurls it at Kenny’s head. It bounces off his forehead.

                            MRS WATT
                 (screaming)
           And we’ll have no more of your stupidity, Mr Roberts!
                 (gathers herself, as if nothing happened)
           Let’s continue with our project on the environment, children, you’ll
           be presenting it to the first graders later this morning….

George sits down at the back of the class, next to Alisha.

                            GEORGE
           She’s a right old dragon, that one. Is she always so mad?

                            ALISHA
           Shh! She’s got a drawer full of pens.
Alisha smiles

SMASH CUT:
GRANDPA JOCK DRAGS THE MOVIE REEL OFF THE SCREEN AGAIN. ACTING AS THE NARRATOR
                            GRANDPA JOCK

So you’re still watching this, then? Were ye no’ listening to
    me? Or maybe you’ve seen it already and then forgotten about
    it so you’re watching this bit again? Eejits!

    Well, if you’re going to persist I might as well give ye a bit
    of background information. Knowledge is power, as they say…
    but try getting knowledge to work in a black out, it’s
    useless. Candles are much better.

    I’m Scottish but ye probably guessed that. I live in Little
    Pumpington now, a wee toon in Yorkshire.   It’s a cool place
    now, but there used to be a dirty, smelly power plant on the
    hill above the toon and on the hour, every hour the three
    chimneys would blast off huge plumes of dirty black smoke into
    the air. The place used to really stink.

INSERT SHOT:

Dirty old power plant blasting off a load of smoke with a loud
parping pump noise, town citizens choking

BACK TO GRANDPA JOCK addressing the camera:

               GRANDPA JOCK (Cont.)

    That’s why they call this place Little Pumpington. Nothing to
    do with bottom burps. (wry smile)

    George is ten, by the way and has just moved here with his mum
    and dad. They’re hoping for the quiet life.

    I’m George’s Grandpa Jock, by the way, but most people call me
    Mr Jock…… or that mad old duffer…or that mental old heidbanger
    at the end of the street…… or the completely barking, gingered
    haired yet still baldy pensioner who’s a liability to himself
    and everybody else who goes near him! I should know; I’ve
    heard them talking aboot me.

    So what if I still like going on scooters. Yes, I love playing
    my bagpipes; even if my neighbours think I’m shoving fireworks
    up cats’ bottoms, er please don’t try this at home, I just
    need a bit more practise, alright! Erm… playing the bagpipes

that is, not shoving fireworks up cats’ bums. That wouldn’t be
         good.

         And yes, I may have committed the rest of my life to being
         irresponsible, never growing up and having as much fun as
         possible but that shouldn’t class me as a nutter. Live life
         for the now, is my motto. Carpe diem is a posh way to say it.
         That’s Latin for ‘seize the day’ but I prefer ‘squeeze the
         day’ - grabbing as many days as I have left and squashing
         every bit of entertainment out of each of them.

         My grandson George is good fun too. On the outside, he can be
         a bit serious but we love a good carry on. Poo, pee and pumps
         are our usual sources of humour.

         It looks like he’s made some good friends at his new school
         too.

INSERT SHOT:

George and Alisha sniggering at fart jokes and cheeky drawings.

                   Grandpa Jock (V.O.)

         Looks like he’s made a really good friend there too. Alisha’s
         a smart, responsible young lady, just what George needs
         because without her maturity, George might end up in a wee
         spot of bother.

BACK TO GRANDPA JOCK addressing the camera:

                   GRANDPA JOCK (Cont.)

         And then there’s Kenny…

INSERT SHOT:

Kenny is sticking a pencil up his nose, then in his ear, then licking
it, making yucky faces. He sticks a crayon (and vegetables) up his nose,
holds a finger against 1 nostril and snots it out, then gets it stuck
again, searches for it frantically. He is taken to hospital in an

ambulance with worried parents.   Finally he is seen with his hand down
the back of his pants.

                   Grandpa Jock (V.O.)

         Better known as Crayon Kenny! (PAUSE) He’s not a bad lad
         (PAUSE - MORE SCENES OF NOSE PICKING) but he is one of the
         most unpredictably idiotic boys in the school, if not the
         entire north of England.

         On a good day Kenny Roberts could be described as slightly
         eccentric. On other days Kenny could be certified as stark
         raving bonkers. Kenny was famous for his unusual hobby of
         sticking crayons, buttons, grapes and pretty much anything
         else up his nose and sometimes into other orifices. Most of
         the nurses and doctors at Little Pumpington General Hospital
         are on first name terms with his parents and it is rumoured
         they have a special pair of forceps with Kenny’s name on them.
         (focus on forceps)

         It’s still not known if they ever managed to find all the
         marbles that were stuck up his bum…

BACK TO GRANDPA JOCK addressing the camera:

                   GRANDPA JOCK (Cont.)

         But this little problem with the zombies..... this was
         something different. As far as I can tell, it all started at
         the school.

         Anyway, sorry for all the interruptions. I’ll let ye get back
         to the story.

CUT TO:
EXT. INTERVAL. PLAYGROUND

Alisha is standing with George, pointing out other people in the class.
Children standing talking in background. Boys playing football.

ALISHA
          Oaky, this is the older kids’ playground, the infants stay
          round the other side. That’s Laura Hardy, she thinks she’s a
          star because she’s modelled in one stupid magazine…

Close up of blonde, pretty girl checking out her face in a mirror.
                         ALISHA (cont.)
          And that boy is Daniel Lyons. Best not to leave your lunch too
          close to him, if you know what I mean…

Close up of fat boy, eating two chocolate bars at the same time, one in
each hand.

                         ALISHA(cont.)
          And over there is….

Ben runs passed with the football, bangs into George, who bangs in
Alisha. Ben is still wearing his pants low, the waistband of his boxers
showing.

                           BEN
          Hey, Gorgeous!

                         ALISHA
                (shouting)
          Hey, Ben Huss. You quit that!

                         GEORGE
          Is he always such a jerk?

                         ALISHA
          Ben’s okay. He’s just doing the whole macho thing with the new
          kid.

                         GEORGE
               (smiling now)
          That’s alright. I can be a jerk too.

                         ALISHA
          And you’ve met Kenny. I told you about the ‘bag of marbles’
          incident. If you lend him a pencil, don’t ask for it back.

CLOSE UP of Kenny, picking his nose with a pencil.

                         ALISHA (cont.)
          And here comes Barbara. She’s Ben’s sister.

ZOOM IN and EXTREME CLOSE UP of George gulping, eyes popping out of his
head, he’s smitten. LOVE STORY type music.

CUT TO: EXT. BEACH FANTASY
George and Barbara running together on a beach.

George sighs, tongue rolling out of his mouth. He begins to drool.

EXT. PLAYGROUND, MOMENTS LATER
BAM! Back to reality. George snaps out of his daydream.

                        BARBARA
         George! George, er… you’re dribbling a little bit there.

                        GEORGE
         Oops, sorry. Yeah, it’s… er… just the heat (embarrassed
         silence)
         So, Ben’s your brother?

                        BARBARA
         Yeah, we’re twins.

                        GEORGE

         Hold on….Twins? Identical twins? You don’t look much like each
         other.

                        BARBARA

         Well, duh. (she laughs) We’re not that identical. You might’ve
         noticed that I’m a girl…..He’s a boy? We don’t wear the same
         clothes or anything. He wouldn’t suit this dress for a start.

                        GEORGE
              (shaking his head)
         Yeah, sorry. I’m… being silly.

                        ALISHA
         Listen, George, we’ve got to go. We’re signed up as playground
         monitors for the infants and Barbara’s first shift is
         lunchtime. See you in class.

                        GEORGE
         That’s okay. I’ve got stuff to do anyway. Bye.

                        BARBARA
              (walking away)

See you around, George.