Visiting Mom or Dad The Child's Perspective
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www.fcnetwork.org Facts and Issues: CPL 105
Visiting Mom or Dad
The Child’s Perspective
by Ann Adalist-Estrin Children depend on their adult Prisoners can tell caregivers what
caregivers to make the experience they will be wearing, and if there
2nd edition: originally published in of visiting parents in prison as are any changes in their physical
1989 by the Parent Resource stress free as possible. appearance since the last time the
Association. child saw them.
Know the Rules
The decision of whether or not to Some information can be
take children to visit parents in jail Knowing visiting rules and obtained from the prison,
or prison is a hard one. It depends regulations, including where to go especially about visiting hours
on finances, prison policy, and what to bring, is an important and what you can take in.
transportation, distance and the part of the adult’s preparation for Caregivers may also tell children
preference of the parent behind a prison visit. These preparations how they will go to the prison,
bars. Studies do show that most can make the visit and the post how long the trip will take and if
children manage the crisis of visit reaction easier for the child. there is money for snacks. When
parental incarceration better when the experience matches children’s
they visit their parents. Usually, it Children need preparation as well. expectations, they will be less
takes time for them to cope with First, it is important to share with anxious.
the feelings that the visits raise, the child as much as is
though. While not visiting is appropriate, according to the Know the Child
sometimes easier on the emotions child’s age, about what the visit
in the short run, out of sight is not will be like. Tell the child: how How long can the child sit? Are
out of mind. long the ride is, if correctional there choices of time of day to
officers will be in uniforms, what go? How long in advance do they
Distance leaves a lot of confusion, the inmate parent will be wearing, need to begin to discuss the visit?
questions, imagined dangers and details about the search process Some children (those with slow-
fears for kids to deal with. These for getting in and guidelines for to-warm-up temperaments) take a
feelings may show up in problem going to the bathroom and using long time to adapt and adjust to
behaviors at home, school or both vending machines. people, places, and ideas or
and can be harmful to the child plans. They need days or weeks
over time. Some of this information can best of talking about the visit to be
be obtained from prisoner parents. ready. Other children with veryChildren of Prisoner s Librar y
CPL 105: Visiting Mom or Dad
persistent and non-distractible Some caregivers may have
temperaments may become too trouble separating their feelings
anxious if the preparations begin about the prisoner and the crime
too far in advance. Discussing from the child’s feelings. When
the visit only a day or two ahead this happens, children have
of time may work better for trouble expressing their own
them. feelings–from fear of upsetting
the caregiver. In some cases, it
Incarcerated parents can also becomes necessary to seek
help. They can write to their professional guidance and
child telling them all about what counseling.
the visits will be like. They can
be in touch with caregivers in Have Realistic Expectations
advance to be filled in on the
child’s daily life and make lists The charts on the following
of things to talk about in the pages gives guidelines on how to
visit. prepare children of different ages
for visits.
Plan to Talk
What to talk about in the visit is
often a real challenge for the
children and their parents and
caregivers. Children are afraid if
they tell their parent about life on
the outside, it will make them
sad. Parents may be worried that
if they talk about life inside, the
children will be scared or bored.
But, it is OK to talk about every
day life. That is what children
and parents are missing and
needing.
Caregivers also need to know
how to talk to children after
visits. Ask them about what they
remembered or liked best about
the visit and also about what they
didn’t like or what was hard to
say. This will let them know that
it is OK to talk about their
parents. It will also prepare them
for the next visit.
2Children of Prisoner s Librar y
CPL 105: Visiting Mom or Dad
Preparing Children For Prison Visits:
A Developmental Guide
Infants: Babies Like To: Before the Visit During Visits Inmate
0-6 Caregivers Can: Parents Can:
Months
Be held a lot!! Let baby hear a tape of Know that holding your baby won’t
parent’s voice (videos are spoil him or her.
great, too).
Look at things, especially
faces. Reach and bat and Position baby so he/she can see
grab. Wash baby’s sheets and you – change position if he/she
clothes in the soap or gets bored.
body wash used by the
Put things in their mouths. parent. Allow baby to touch your face and
explore you.
Some need their fingers Communicate with the
and thumbs to calm them- incarcerated parent about
selves. Gently unfold fingers when they
the child’s new and grab your hair, etc.
emerging skills, what her
“Respond” to familiar noises mean as she
voices and faces learns to talk and how he Talk to baby a lot!
is standing, crawling or
React to new sounds rolling over. This may Change the tone in your voice.
make the inmate parent Sing. Imitate baby’s sounds.
Use their sense of smell to sad but will help maintain
differentiate between peo- the attachment and could Understand that babies cry be-
ple minimize distress at visits. cause they need or want some-
thing.
Cry to communicate
Let baby’s caregiver help you to
“read” baby’s signals. They may be
changing rapidly and you will need
help knowing what the changes
have been.
3Children of Prisoner s Librar y
CPL 105: Visiting Mom or Dad
Preparing Children For Prison Visits:
A Developmental Guide
Older Babies Like To: Before the Visit During Visits Inmate
Caregivers Can: Parents Can:
Babies:
7-13 Allow baby lots of time Let baby crawl or sit alone or
Sit alone.
Months unencumbered by seats play “active” games (patty
Crawl and move. and straps. If they will cake, bend and stretch.)
need to be restrained
during the visit, let them Give baby age appropriate
Pick up tiny objects. be out of car seat, walker
Practice banging and finger foods if allowed. Be very
or stroller and roll around careful with vending machine
shaking and dropping on the floor or grass or
things. snacks that can cause choking
blanket for a while before such as popcorn, peanuts and
the visit. small candy items.
Go to someone they know
when “strangers” are Talk to baby both in
around. Be patient – if baby reacts as if
“baby talk” and using you are a stranger, keep
adult words. Babbling close…but don’t push. Baby
Babble and shriek. back in the baby’s will probably warm up to you
language promotes after several visits.
Show understanding of language development
simple commands (wave as long as adults also Some babies may have the
bye-bye). use real words to opposite reaction and cling to
communicate to baby. you. In this case, saying
Practice getting the goodbye can mean that
caregiver to come to them Be careful not to caregivers may have to pull or
and take care of their pressure baby to perform pry baby away from Mom or
needs by calling, crying or for you or others if he/she Dad. This is painful for
shrieking and then is resisting, even though everyone.
stopping when held or you may want them to
attended to. practice all the new In most cases, quick goodbyes
things they can do to are best. Never trick baby (or
show Mom or Dad at the any age child) or sneak away.
visit. This will cause the child not to
trust you next time.
4Children of Prisoner s Librar y
CPL 105: Visiting Mom or Dad
Preparing Children For Prison Visits:
A Developmental Guide
Toddlers: Toddlers Like to: Before the Visit During Visits Parents Can:
14-30 Caregivers Can:
Months
Refine their motor skills Be sure toddler is rested Play word games…label objects,
by walking/running/ and fed…this is a most make silly noises, etc. ask where’s
climbing. difficult age for visits if your nose etc.
there is no play area.
Scribble Walk around if allowed.
Do not bombard toddler Label objects, colors and people
Explore everything! with rules ahead of time… for your child.
toddler will either not
remember or test them Give toddler choices whenever
Imitate adults anyway. possible…even little ones…do you
want to sit here or here? Do you
Label objects using newly Show toddler lots of want one kiss or two?
learned words. pictures of the
incarcerated parent. Give clear rules/limits with
Tell adults what they
consequences but try to tell toddler
need and want. If possible make what they can do, not what they
arrangements ahead of are not supposed to do. ” Walk,
Test the rules to see if time so that you can be Junior. If you run you will have to
they are real. prepared to cut visits short sit on Mom-Mom’s lap” is better
if toddler cannot follow the than “Stop running.”
Hold a picture of Mom or rules.
Dad in their mind when Toddlers are really frustrating,
they are not with them. even to free world parents. It is
especially hard when you want the
Do some things for visit to be perfect. Be patient but
themselves. firm. Toddlers need both from
parents and giving them both
understanding and discipline is
good parenting!
Prepare yourself emotionally for
the possibility of needing to cut the
visit short if toddler cannot sit still
or follow the rules. As unfair as it is
to you to miss out on time with
them, it is also unfair to be angry
with a toddler for not being able to
meet unrealistic expectations.
Show pride in toddler’s
accomplishments while accepting
that many emotional needs are still
similar to a baby’s.
5Children of Prisoner s Librar y
CPL 105: Visiting Mom or Dad
Preparing Children For Prison Visits:
A Developmental Guide
Children Will: Before the Visit During Visits Parents Can:
Pre- Caregivers Can:
Schoolers:
Read children letters
Practice lots of skills like from parents. Accept angry feelings and set
2 1/2- fine motor skills (drawing, limits on aggressive behavior.
4year olds digging, etc.). Send drawings to “You look like you are mad at me
parents. and you don’t like me being here
Begin to express anger in do you?” is a way of letting
words. (“You’re not my Give autonomy, power children know that you get it that
friend.” “I hate you.”) and choices when they are upset.
appropriate so child can
Point out discrepancies in accept not having power ”Even though you are very angry,
familiar events. or choice when you are not allowed to hit me, if
grownups are in control. you hit me again you may have to
leave and see me next time.” is a
Insist on being the center way of enforcing rules even
of attention and interrupt Be clear about whether
or not the child does though you will not want them to
adult conversations. leave.
have a choice. Habits
Enjoy being read to. that adults have in using
words can be very Be careful not to say that you will
Wonder about the leave as a consequence. And
incarcerated parent’s daily confusing to children:
remember, the anger isn’t bad, the
life: when and where they child isn’t bad…just the hitting is
sleep, eat, go to the When adults ask,
”Are you ready to go?” bad.
bathroom, etc.
or
“Can you give dad a Sing songs together.
Practice their emotional hug?”
separateness by being or Play classification word games (all
oppositional and defiant. “Let’s go now, ok?,” things that are fruit…).
children get the idea that
Ask many questions. they have a choice. Understand that it is hard for pre-
schoolers to be “quiet.”
If you are willing to
accept, “No, I don’t want Draw pictures with your child or
to “ talk about pictures they have sent
or you.
“I am not ready”
as a response from the
child, then your Give many choices and accept
questions are OK pre-schoolers’ tastes and
preferences even when they are
If you really mean to say choices made only to be opposite
“We are going now, this from you.
is not a choice,” then say
that! Answer children’s questions as
best you can. Don’t be afraid to
talk about your daily life.
6Children of Prisoner s Librar y
CPL 105: Visiting Mom or Dad
Preparing Children For Prison Visits:
A Developmental Guide
School Age: Children Will: Grown-ups Can:
6-12 years old
Need to be accepted by their Remember and accept that children may be
peers. embarrassed by the parents’ incarceration
and crime.
Play sports and games.
Play games with them.
Collect things.
Ask about their hobbies, sports, collections.
Want to talk about their life but
worry that they will make the in- Listen to their stories without asking too
carcerated parent feel bad if they many questions or giving advice. Just listen.
talk about the outside.
Tell them it helps you to feel good when they
Hold back emotions so that the talk about their lives.
visit will go well.
Look for signs of sadness, disappointment,
Sometimes refuse to visit…out of upset and anger and let children know you
anger, hurt or fear. Or sometimes accept those feelings and want to talk about
just because they would rather it.
play basketball or hang out with
their friends. Answer questions as honestly as possible.
Talk to them about your life on the inside.
Tell them things they can relate to like TV
shows you watch, books you read and
classes you take.
7Children of Prisoner s Librar y
CPL 105: Visiting Mom or Dad
A Child’s First Visit requests from corrections Since most prisoners do
A child’s first visit should focus officials, even if they don’t not have access to the
on the child. Using the seem to make any sense. Internet, friends and family
developmental guide on pages 2- Most visits take place on can help by mailing CPL
6, you can help make the visit weekends when the materials to them.
successful. Anything that takes administration offices are
attention away from supporting closed, so if you get into a • If it is not possible to make
the child should be avoided. The battle at the gate and are a “pre-visit”, try to ask the
following are some additional denied a visit, you will have inmate about the facility
guidelines for visiting prisons no recourse. If you feel you and the visiting rules, or
with children from How Can I are being mistreated, it is speak to someone who has
Help? preferable to note the date, visited the institution, and
time and name of the get as much information as
• Before embarking on a visit, officer and make a you can about the entry
make any calls necessary to complaint to the proper process. How long is the
confirm that the inmate is officials after the visit is wait? What does the
currently housed at the jail concluded or after you visiting room look like?
(prisoners are transferred have returned home. What is available to eat? If
frequently), the time and you don’t know anyone, call
place visiting is permitted, • If the facility is the facility.
what you must or must not geographically near, and
bring, and directions to the several visits will be • Since many visiting rooms
facility. possible within a short time have nothing to help you
after the initial amuse a child, try to think
• Arrive early. Be sure that incarceration, it is probably of imaginative ways to keep
you are carrying no drugs, best if the adult (custodial the child engaged while
no weapons - and nothing parent, foster parent, social waiting and while visiting.
that might be confused with worker) visits alone the first For ideas, see CPL 107,
drugs or weapons. This time. In that way, s/he will Communication Tips. CPL
includes over-the-counter be able to describe the 103: Conversations -
and prescription drugs, facility to the child, assure Questions Children Ask,
vitamins, or metal objects. the child of the parent’s can also be helpful.
Check your pockets before health and safety, and
you enter the facility, and prepare better for the visit.
leave anything questionable Two Final Thoughts
in your car or locker. • It is important to take time
to talk to the incarcerated The known is always easier than
• If possible, bring food from parent about the the imagined…when possible, be
home and feed children just importance of focusing truthful.
before you enter the facility. her/his attention on the
Given waiting times and child. Give the prisoner It is usually easier to leave than
broken or empty machines, it parent ideas for things to to be left. If possible let children
may be impossible to predict talk about related to the leave the visit before the parent
when food will next be child’s interests and returns to their unit or cell.
available. feelings.
• Reduce possible sources of • This pamphlet and others
stress and friction among the in the Children of Prisoners
adult visitor, the child, the Library (CPL) can help
inmate, and the corrections prisoners prepare for visits.
staff. Cooperate with
8Children of Prisoner s Librar y
CPL 105: Visiting Mom or Dad
About the Children of
Prisoners Library (CPL)
Pamphlets may be downloaded
without charge from the Family
and Corrections Network (FCN)
web site, www.fcnetwork.org.
Duplication is permitted and
encouraged, so long as the
materials are not altered or sold.
Sorry, FCN is not budgeted to mail
free copies.
Send comments to The Children of
Prisoners Library at FCN, 32 Oak
Grove Road, Palmyra, VA 22963,
434/589-3036, 434/589-6520 Fax,
fcn@fcnetwork.org. Copyright
Family and Corrections Network,
2003.
In Appreciation
The Children of Prisoners Library
is supported by a grant from the
Robert Wood Johnson Foundation
with additional support from the
Catholic Campaign for Human
Development, the Jack DeLoss
Taylor Charitable Trust and the
Heidtke Foundation.
We are also grateful to our
sponsoring organizations: Alpha
Phi Alpha Fraternity, Inc.-Southern
Region, Children and Family
Networks, Hour Children, The
National Practitioners Network for
Fathers and Families and The
Osborne Association.
Special thanks to the Osborne
Association, Long Island, New
York for permission to revise and
publish material from the three
volume set of pamphlets, How Can
I Help?
The Children of Prisoners Library
was written by Ann Adalist-Estrin,
who adapted material from How
Can I Help and authored other
materials in the Children of
Prisoners Library. It was edited and
published by Jim Mustin.
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