Roast Yourself To Happiness - A Comedian's Guide to Finding Joy by Embracing Your Flaws - Alex Hooper
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Roast Yourself To Happiness
A Comedian’s Guide to Finding Joy by Embracing Your Flaws
Alex Hooper
INTRODUCTION
H ello, Under-Achieving Shitbag! Congratulations and
welcome to your voyage of personal discovery. Somehow
this book has made it into your hands — which is exactly where
it’s supposed to be. This is a sign you’re ready to embark on a
journey. One that is filled with positivity, strength, growth, and of
course, vicious insults. By choosing to go down this path, you’re
saying YES to owning who you are — from the glorious to the
downright disgusting.
Get excited. I sure as fuck am. But wait... Why should you listen
to ME?
I’m Alex Hooper. I’m a stand-up comedian and professional
roaster. I’ve been featured on Comedy Central’s Roast Battle,
America’s Got Talent, and many more outlets that I could fellate
myself over. I’ve toured the world spreading laughter and
happiness, all while inspiring people to live their ultimate truth.
Before we go any further, someone told me to put a trigger
warning in this book. So here you go…
Copyright © 2021 Alex Hooper
TRIGGER WARNING: This book contains foul language, sexual
innuendos, disturbing imagery, and hilarious analogies. All of
these are directed at you personally. If at any time you feel sick or
unpleasant while reading this — COOL. Pull your fat head out of
your tight asshole and stop taking everything so seriously.
To be brutally honest, the fact I’m writing this book is outlandish.
If you met me ten years ago, I was a barely functioning human.
Not someone who should be dishing out advice any more than I
should be treating STDs.
What changed? I learned how to roast, get roasted, and release
the bullshit that had been holding me back for years.
If you’re not familiar with roasting, it’s a specific way of making
fun of someone. Maybe you’ve heard of the Friar’s Club or seen a
celebrity roast on TV. Joan Rivers, Don Rickles, Jeff Ross —
they’re all master roasters. Roasting is a way to celebrate someone
while also tearing them down.
Hold up. How the hell is verbally bashing myself or others going
to bring me joy? Great question. You’re smarter than you look.
As someone who has participated in dozens of roasts, I can tell
you they’re the perfect place to build a thick skin. If you can laugh
at a joke about yourself, you can remove the pain that often comes
Copyright © 2021 Alex Hooperwith it. I’ve had hundreds of brutal quips thrown at me — some
of them on national television. The more insults fired in my
direction, the more I became completely OK with myself and my
appearance.
If this sounds crazy, you aren’t alone. I’ve read a shit ton of
personal development books and none of them told me to
obliterate my feelings through insults. They used positive
encouragement which sounds like a nice idea, but that tactic can
be difficult to follow if you’re starting from zero. Reading, “you’re
a beautiful, powerful creature,” means nothing if you’re blacked
out in a gutter.
For the past two years, I’ve hosted a podcast called Achilles’ Heel. I
invite incredible people to discuss the darkest parts of their lives.
The struggles that have fucked them up more than anything. The
battles that have shaped who they’ve become. I’ve learned a lot
about what makes us tick, and how our flaws can become our
greatest strengths.
The method I’ve outlined in this book is based on my own
experience. I’m a former depressed, rage-filled, bitter
curmudgeon who wanted to destroy the world and everyone in
it. Through roasting, I’ve completely flipped to the rainbow side
of life. Ask anyone about me and they will tell you I am a magical
fairy dropping sprinkles of joy on everyone I encounter.
I changed for the better. And I’m a stubborn fuck. That’s how I
know you can do it too.
Copyright © 2021 Alex HooperIf you’re anything like me, you’ll want to race through this book
as fast as you can. I beg you, take this one day at a time. The best
way to create lasting change is by moving at a controlled pace, so
each concept has enough time to marinate in your mind.
Every day I will introduce an idea. I call this THE SETUP. Every
joke needs a setup to establish the premise. Each SETUP will open
your mind to new ways of thinking and being.
The second part of the day is called THE PUNCHLINE. This is
the feather in your pen, the jizz in your condom. This is the part
of the joke that not only completes it but makes it worth telling in
the first place. Without THE PUNCHLINE, the joke goes
nowhere. Don’t skip over THE PUNCHLINE. Make sure to do the
assignment.
Each day will require 10-20 minutes of your time. I’ve kept it
short and sweet so you don’t feel overwhelmed. I’ve also packed
every section with as many jokes as I can to keep you entertained.
I wrote this book for the old me. The me who would only use it as
rolling papers. The me that would scoff at the idea of personal
development as new age hippie bullshit.
Sound familiar? Good. Then you’re on the right track. Wherever
you are in your life, this book will help you. We’re always
growing and always changing.
Copyright © 2021 Alex HooperIf you’re feeling hesitant, or maybe even a bit afraid, welcome to
the goddamn club. I’m a gold-star member.
You’re about to enter a world of silliness and love. You’re going to
shed unnecessary crap and brighten parts of you that have been
living in the shadows.
Be open to this process. Do the work. This won’t always be easy,
but it will push you in the right direction. I’ll do my best to keep
you smiling for 28 days straight.
Before you begin, I’d like to share a quote with you that changed
my life. It’s from Alan Watts, the British writer and philosopher.
“You have no obligation to be the person you were five minutes ago.”
Say it out loud. Put it in first person.
I have no obligation to be the person I was five minutes ago.
Remind yourself of that phrase any time you want to quit.
Are you ready, my comedic warrior? Let’s roast ourselves to
happiness.
Copyright © 2021 Alex HooperPOP ‘TIL YOU DROP
T his is it. You’re really gonna do this. If you’re already
thinking, FUCK ME — congrats! Nothing is more difficult
than the beginning because nothing is further from the end. So
either get ready… or give up now.
THE SETUP
It's time to dig a little deeper into you. No, we aren’t going to the
desert to stuff mushrooms in your face. I mean, you can. And
maybe you should. And maybe I’ll even go with you… But before
you pop that fungi in your mouth, let’s pop a quiz instead.
Today you’re going to answer a few multiple-choice questions.
Be honest with yourself. Answer truthfully — as you stand today,
not how you’d like to be. No one is checking your work here. If
Copyright © 2021 Alex Hooperyou’re a depression-filled, anxiety-ridden mess of a human, OK!
Welcome to the team. You can pick up your t-shirt after practice.
THE PUNCHLINE
POSITIVITY POP-QUIZ
Deep breath. Stop chewing on your pen, you unsanitary sicko.
Let’s go:
1. How do you wake up in the morning?
A. I leap out of bed singing musical numbers, ready to attack the day.
B. Dammit. Already? I’m gonna hit the snooze button once or twice.
C. Fuck. What’s the point? I’m gonna lay here and play on my phone
until I can’t anymore.
D. Bed? I passed out on my kitchen floor with my face stuck in a pile
of vomit.
2. You’re in line at the post office. There are two people ahead of
you. How do you spend your time?
A. Look around. Notice the new stamps. Be present.
B. What a great time to reply to that work email I received.
C. I’ll scroll through social media until I feel absolutely nothing.
D.Siri, show me assault rifles…
Copyright © 2021 Alex Hooper3. Your body is a machine. How do you take care of it?
A. I move often and dynamically, filling it with healthy food so I can
function at a high level.
B. At least two days a week I take a long walk and try to eat healthy-
ish foods.
C. I eat whatever the hell I want and only go on a hike so my friends
won’t give me shit.
D.Type 2 Diabetes: Here I come!
4. How do you feel about your home?
A. I love it! It’s clean and filled with art and furniture that represent
me.
B. I like it, but it’s quite cluttered and unorganized.
C. It’s just a place to sleep. Who cares if there’s a roach problem?
D.If I had better insurance, I would burn this whole fucking place to
the ground.
5. How do you feel when you arrive at work or school?
A. Fuck yeah! I’m ready to learn, contribute, and get shit done!
B. I don’t mind being here, but I don’t feel challenged.
C. Sit in the back. Hide in my cubicle. Hope no one talks to me. Give
minimal effort.
D.8 hours? WTF is this? Soviet Russia? Fuuuuuuuuuck.
Copyright © 2021 Alex Hooper6. Your favorite band is coming to your city. Tickets go on sale
tomorrow and they are cheap! What do you do?
A. Woohoo, dance party! Set a reminder and buy four tickets so you
can bring friends.
B. This is dope. I’m gonna buy a ticket. Even if no one else can go, I’ll
have a solo adventure.
C. Who knows where I’ll be that night? I’ll hold off and hope it
doesn’t sell out.
D.Outside? In public? With all those people? I’ll just stay home and
listen to the album.
7. Someone gave you a compliment! How do you respond?
A. Take a moment. Absorb the words and emotion. Thank them
genuinely.
B. Play it off. Be cool. Say thanks with as little gusto as possible.
C. Hmmm. What does this person want from me?
D.They don’t mean it. They’re just trying to be nice. I know I’m shit.
8. Your friends invite you out for pizza, but you’ve got issues
with dairy. What do you?
A. Say, I’m not really feeling pizza. How about we get Thai?
B. I don’t want to be left out. Will anyone notice if I pick off the cheese
and stick it under my seat?
C. Decline the invitation. You don’t want to have to explain yourself.
D. Reluctantly go and eat it anyway. It’s more worth it to have
flaming diarrhea than to let anyone know you have a weak
stomach.
Copyright © 2021 Alex Hooper9. While in public, a stranger collapses next to you, but you
don’t know CPR. Do you:
A. Call 9-1-1. Try to comfort the person. Stay with them until help
arrives.
B. Yell for a doctor, but keep your distance. They could be contagious.
C. Doesn’t affect me. Turn up my headphones and keep whistling.
D.Good. There are too many people in the world anyway.
10. How are you doing emotionally? Today. Right now.
A. I am fucking stoked to be alive. The world is filled with endless
possibilities that are mine for the taking.
B. Feeling good. Motivated, not too anxious, mostly upbeat.
C. Ehhh. I’m surviving but mostly drifting through the day.
D.There’s a loaded gun in my mouth. Does that answer your
question?
Now it’s time to check your score. Don’t worry. This is only for
you. Wherever you are is totally fine. Step away from the cliff.
SCORING
A: 4 Points
B: 3 Points
C: 2 Points
D: 1 Point
Copyright © 2021 Alex Hooper34-40: Wow! You’re killing it. Go ahead and use this book for
toilet paper.
26-33: Hey now, look at you! You’re doing really well but still
have room for improvement.
18-25: Hmm. Seems like you’re struggling a bit. You can definitely
get more out of life.
10-17: Who bought you this book? I know you didn’t do it
yourself. Should we call the hospital and have them admit you?
Here’s the good news: you’ve got room to grow. Knowing where
you are today is a wonderful tool for figuring out where you want
to go. And that’s exactly what this workbook is for. Congrats,
Human.
Hungry for MORE?
Click here to get your copy of Roast
Yourself To Happiness!
Copyright © 2021 Alex HooperABOUT THE AUTHOR
Alex Hooper
A lex Hooper is a stand-up comedian, actor, and
professional roaster. He delights crowds by blending dark
humor with silly positivity. His joke writing is clever and fearless.
Onstage he bursts with energy. Alex shines just like his sparkly
wardrobe. He’s headlined clubs all over the world. And whether
it’s an audience of 11 or 11,000, Alex leaves comedy goers begging
for more.
Alex is best known as the America’s Got Talent comedian who
infamously roasted the judging panel in 2018. He’s the only
contestant ever to get a “yes” from Simon Cowell and a “no” from
the rest of the judges. His audition went viral and in 2020 he was
invited back again, this time making it all the way to the live
shows. In total, his performances have over 75 million views.
Copyright © 2021 Alex HooperAs part of his never ending quest to spread love and joy, Alex
releases a weekly podcast — Achilles’ Heel. This podcast pushes
guests outside of their comfort zone. Alex tackles tough topics
like social anxiety and sex addiction with humor and grace.
In 2018 Alex released his debut comedy album Hugs. Drugs.
Pugs. It hit #1 on Amazon and #3 on iTunes Best Selling Comedy
Records.
To say Alex is a serious pug lover is an understatement. For 2018
he created The Pug Yoga Calendar to raise funds for the pug
rescue group, Pug Nation of LA. Ellen Degeneres spotlighted the
sold-out 2018 Pug Yoga Calendar on The Ellen Show.
Copyright © 2021 Alex HooperAlex is the creator of CRAVE — an immersive comedy and dance
music experience.
Funny Or Die named him one of the 15 Funniest Comics to
Follow.
Alex’s TV credits include:
• America’s Got Talent - Seasons 13 & 15
• Comedy Central’s Roast Battle
• Comedy Central’s Corporate
• Fox’s New Girl
• TVLand
• Nickelodeon
• and the truly prodigious... Bad Girls Club.
Copyright © 2021 Alex HooperRESOURCES
Alex Hooper is coming soon to a town near you! For stand-up
comedy tour dates and more visit hoopercomedy.com
Listen to the podcast that inspired this book! Achilles’ Heel with
Alex Hooper is available wherever you listen to podcasts.
Follow Alex on Instagram @hooperhairpuff
Follow Alex on Twitter @hooperhairpuff
Copyright © 2021 Alex HooperYou can also read
