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Chicago Shady Dealer
Volume 15 Issue 3 December 9, 2018
Climate Change PSA: Reindeer Can Fly, But
They Sure as Hell Can't Swim
UN IPCC report
By Breck Radulovic
estimates rough-
Baby, it’s cold out-
ly one third of all
side! But not for
greenhouse gases
much longer. Cli-
come from San-
mate change is
ta-provided coal.
reaching the North
And of course, the
Pole, and it’s not
consumption-de-
looking good for
pendent culture of
Santa’s reindeer.
the global West is
You’ve likely read
epitomized by the
about rising global
legend of Santa
temperatures melt-
himself. All-in-all,
ing the polar ice
the report estimates
caps. While Dash-
that approximately
er and Dancer and
to ‘Goner’ unless humanity gets its act two degrees worth
Prancer and Vixen
together. By our most conservative calcu- of global temperature increase can be di-
are total aces in the sky, they sure as hell
lations, it looks like we have ten years to rectly attributed to Ole Saint Nick.
can’t swim. Looks like we better start re-
turn this all around, or Comet and Cupid Walking in a winter wonderland? More
writing that song: “Rudolph the Red-
should start looking at pool floaties and like slowly drowning in the melted re-
Nosed Reindeer, you’ll go drown in his-
swimming lessons.” mains of your arctic home! With sea lev-
tory! (Like the Lusitania!)"
You can check your list, you can check it els expected to rise multiple feet by 2050,
Do you hear what I hear? It’s the UN
twice! But we already know who’s been it ain’t looking good for Santa’s work-
Intergovernmental Panel on Climate
naughty, not nice. Perhaps Santa him- shop. But hey kids, enjoy it while it lasts!
Change (IPCC) calling, and they have this
to say: “Donner better change his name self should share some of the blame. The
How to Spend the Winter Alone:
A How-To Guide on Planning a Snowball Fight for One
By Audrey Fromson winter activities so that you wouldn’t son might be friends-free, but nobody
Maybe you were late to cuffing season. have to create one alone. said anything about writing off Cof-
Or maybe you’ve been banned from par- 1. Start a small business. fee-Mate.
ticipating in your friend group’s Secret Two words: snow cones. People love fla- 3. Make a Tinder profile.
Santa after spending $0.07 over the limit vored ice, and what makes no sense but Then promptly delete it.
for Janet last year. Pretty messed up that works well for an entrepreneur like you 4. Move out.
everyone flipped out over an extra piece is that they’ll pay for it too. By next year, If you’ve found yourself estranged from
of bubble gum, I know. If you’re won- you could graduate to a snow cone truck, your roommates and really, truly alone,
dering why this scenario sounds oddly and you might even be able to join the big consider this a perfect opportunity to
specific, take your hypotheses back to players out on South Ellis Avenue. Move save on rent and move into an igloo. Tiny
your lab reports where they belong. over, Mediterranean Express. homes are sooooo in!
For whatever reason, you’ve found your- 2. Pamper yourself. If you have any questions or feedback
self riding solo this winter, and you ha- Lucky for you, a whole host of small about this extensive guide, don’t bother
ven’t found the Jason Derulo flow quite kitchen appliance brands have created reaching out to me. My phone’s been on
yet. I’ve created a list of the best solitary single-cup beverage brewers. This sea- “Do Not Disturb” since last week.
#Mood
CHICAGO SHADY DEALER I’m Interested in Going, Maybe: A How-To
EDITORS-IN-CHIEF Guide on Actually Attending the Facebook
Breck Radulovic
Nik Varley Events You Say You’re Interested In
MANAGING EDITOR By Audrey Fromson fuck out of you (I am NOT projecting),
Ella Hester It’s 11:00 a.m. on a Saturday. Do you recruit a friend. If they’re reluctant to
LAYOUT EDITOR
know that about one million events are check out the “Interior Designers for
Deblina Mukherjee happening around the world and that a More Just America Collective,” pay
you’ve said “interested” on Facebook to them with guest meal swipes or trick
COPY EDITORS every single one? them into thinking that the IOP got Jus-
Claire Holland
David North Being flaky can be empowering, but tin Trudeau to come again.
playing hard-to-get with event hosts 4. The City is Your Classroom
PHOTO EDITOR isn’t cool. Read this how-to guide to Eager tour guides, shiny pamphlets, and
Aubrey Christofersen learn how you can actually start follow- your state’s UChicago rep have all said
SECRETARY ing through on your digital commit- it. If you need a translation, it means:
Sarah de Vegvar ments. GTFO of Hyde Park, baby! There’s a
1. Know Yourself rad author in town and she’s reading at
FEATURED WRITERS If you’ve said “interested” to 7:00 a.m. a restored warehouse in Wicker Park?
Nico Aldape
John Buterbaugh free yoga class for two weeks in a row I know it’s a Tuesday and you’ve got a
Sylvia Ebenbach but you know that before 9:00 a.m. you midterm next quarter that needs your
Sammy Elmasri act like a Pilates instructor before she attention yesterday, but this is a once-in-
Emily Feigenbaum drinks her green juice, it might be time a-lifetime opportunity! By the time you
Audrey Fromson to reassess. I know the event is at a cool finally warm up to the idea of hitting up
Rahul Gupta
Will Jaffe hotel in West Loop, but let’s be realistic. the Red Line on a weeknight beyond the
Sam Nitkin 2. Stay Organized Cermak stop, the warehouse will have
Christian Villanueva Google Calendar saved my life. Ox- become new residential lofts.
Harry Weinstein ygen is neat, but nothing sustains me 5. Find Social Currency Other Ways
more than a color-coded, remind- Saying you’re “interested” in an intellec-
MEETINGS er-filled,holding-me-accountable digital tually-engaging event is the equivalent
Sundays at 7 p.m. in Harper 145
planner. Plus, it’s paperless! We can stay of reading New York Times headlines
WEBSITE on top of our events and end climate as your news intake. Ultimately, if all
chicagoshadydealer.com change! Awesome! you know about the 61st Street Farmers
SUBMISSIONS 3. Go With a Friend Market is that it happens, you’re missing
chicagoshadydealer@gmail.com If walking into a Harper classroom out on some really good baked goods.
where you don’t know anyone scares the Now click forth and see the world!
DISCLAIMER
Did we hurt your feelings, or say something
that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well Help President Zimmer Navigate his way
you’re paying too much attention to what back to Brown University!
we said, and not enough attention to what
we meant. Any complaints can be emailed to
collegeadmissions@uchicago.edu.
META-DISCLAIMER
Okay, but seriously, we’re all just trying to
cut to the core of what’s wrong with society,
and specifically, our weird school. We’re gen-
uinely sorry we spelled everything so terribly
wrong.
META-META-DISCLAIMER
To be clear, we still stand by our original
comments; God is God, the river is swift, and
we don’t give a fuck.
Volume 3, Issue 6 - February 2007
2Home for the Holidays
How To Tell Your Parents You're a Philosophy Major Now
By Jean-Jacques Buterbaugh parents have when they find out their risky call, but it could help you get out
You got home for winter break the other child is a philosophy major is that you’re of an especially sticky situation. Your
day but you can feel a lingering tension not the same person they raised oh-so- dad will chuckle, “Oh, so this philos-
in the air. This winter break, you're fi- long ago. Try to dispel this notion by ophy thing is just like a hobby then,
nally going to tell your parents, “Mom, explaining how you’ve always been a thank God,” and your mom will start
dad, I'm a philosophy major.” philosophy major. Bring up how you telling her girlfriends all about how
They may relentlessly question who you pondered on the state of the half-full (or you’re going to work for an investment
are: “Are you sure this isn't just a phase?” is it half-empty?) juice box in first grade. bank one day. Just be sure that you men-
Or they may try to pressure you into See? You were always cut out for philos- tion “a clerical mix-up” which caused
returning to “the cave” by asking what ophy since the beginning! all your Economics credit to magically
dear old Granny would think. Luckily, 3. Be ready for the fire and brimstone “vanish” right before graduation. That’s
the Shady Dealer is here to help you argument: Sadly, this argument is a too bad, but at least you still have your
get through this difficult time with this common one, and it’s one that’s difficult handy philosophy major!
short guide to coming out to your par- to counter, especially in the heat of the 5. Prepare yourself for rejection: In the
ents as a philosophy major. moment. When your dad starts yelling end, no matter how much you prepare,
1. Focus on how you feel: Generally about such nebulous and insignificant there’s no telling exactly what could
speaking, it’s better for you to focus on concepts like “student loans,” “paying happen when you tell your parents that
“I feel” statements to avoid sounding for our retirement,” or “bankrupting you’re a philosophy major. So treat this
accusatory or overly emotional. Try “I the family for a fucking useless degree,” like you treat every Wednesday and Fri-
feel like this is what I’m supposed to you just need to take it. You know those day night of the year and prepare your-
do” or “I feel like this is the only sub- bigots are below your intellect and their self for rejection.
ject I don’t suck at.” It’s no use talking ideas belong firmly in the past. Your first Now you’re ready to come out to your
in broad statements or bringing the quarter living the “Life of the Mind”™ parents this holiday season! And we at
outside world into the conversation, so has taught you that philosophy doesn’t the Shady Dealer would like to person-
focus on how you feel! Talking about care about material possessions. After ally commend you for taking this diffi-
your feelings is basically all your major all, it’s not like Socrates or Aristotle were cult but extremely brave step towards
is preparing you to do, so you better get only able to philosophize because they being your authentic self. We, as com-
started now. were bougie as fuck. You’ll be fine! edy writers, would also like to inquire
2. Let them know you're still the same 4. Tell them you're double majoring in about any jobs you may know about.
person: One of the biggest concerns Economics, even if it's a lie: This one is a
I Look Bad in My Family's Holiday Card and Other Shit I Hate About Winter
By Audrey Fromson is prepared for the in flux of “return to the only thing I’ll be shopping for are
Apple’s portrait mode has made my sender” envelopes coming their way. tissues, ChapStick, and a new sense of
mom into a monster. When my sisters Not only will my family’s visually-of- personal self-worth.
and I are together, she whips out her fensive cardstock photo be added to the But now that I’m staying away from
phone and proceeds to take photos “for National Banned Holiday Card Data- digital shopping carts, I’ll finally have
the holiday card.” Every time, I so bad- base (NBHCD), but that’s just the tip the time to heal my drying hands that
ly want to yell, “We’re Jewish, so pick of the climate-change-melted iceberg. crack and bleed after lightly brushing
a side and just call it a Hanukkah card, Winter is the Mondays of seasons: air! During the snowy season, my nose
and by the fucking way, your thumb dreaded and long. becomes an actual avalanche. Further-
is covering half of the lens!” and then Winter’s only redeeming quality is more, by December, my skin will be-
faint into my sisters’ arms. that the holiday season allows society come snake-like and I will actually start
In a few weeks, a photo of my sisters to embrace its materialistic side. The to slither around to stay in character (I
and me in front of blurred UChicago snowy months allow me to be my true am a sucker for getting in acting prac-
foliage will grace the mailboxes of sad self, a crazed consumer, without shame. tice whenever I can). I’ll probably need
suburban households and obscure rela- However, Zuckerberg’s algorithms have a new coat for that though, and I feel
tives. I look objectively horrible in the over-exposed me to mini documenta- like there’s one from Patagonia that is
photo, like I’ve just woken up from a ries about things like dumps in the mid- just hissing my name. 'Tis the season of
nap but also haven’t slept in four days, dle of oceans, exploitation of labor, and self care.
3
and I don’t think the U.S. postal service shitty Black Friday sales. So this year,Hottest Takes
Campus Casualties Escalate in War on Christmas
By Rahul Gupta they were being distracted from the se- as if it were a manifestation of godly
Dozens of students were sent to the rious work of their licentious debauch- power.
University of Chicago hospital after a ery. Police were dispatched and found We spoke to another student involved
heated debate over the holiday season several young men and women furious- in the melee, Tricia McMillan, who
exploded into yet another battle in the ly swinging broadswords at each other. told us, “I don’t get why this happened
global War on Christmas. Twenty-three We are still investigating what caused at all. I just said that ‘Christmas didn’t
students suffered serious sword wounds the incident.” start as a Christian holiday’ and sud-
and burns, while another twenty stu- We spoke to one student who was in- denly these people try to pile-drive me?
dents received at least minor cuts and jured in the battle, Andrew Mannen- What on earth happened to me?”
abrasions. heim, as he was walking out of the hos- Several minutes later, McMilan still
A spokesperson for the University of pital with Christmas-colored bandages didn’t have a coherent explanation, but
Chicago Police Department provided a on his arms. then again, we don’t either.
statement to the Shady Dealer. “I was prepared to engage in rational The University administration has not
“Students were heard arguing about the discourse,” said Mannenheim, “but commented on these developments,
designs on Starbucks cups at approx- when I heard someone wish me ‘Happy maintaining a studied silence. Howev-
imately 1:32 in the morning on the Holidays,’ I just couldn’t take it. A patri- er, the Scav committee has offered extra
Midway. Loud shouting about 'erasing otic American patriot of patriotism like Scav points to anyone who can cause a
Christian values,' 'political correctness,' me shouldn’t have to tolerate this vile similar conflict as a result of the Lat-
and 'separation of church and state' idolatry.” ke-Hamantashen debate.
were reported to police by residents of Mannenheim then walked off down the
fraternity houses, who complained that street, caressing his Santa hat lovingly
Administration Finally Addresses Dental Health Stigma With
Dental Health Awareness Week
By Harry Weinstein riod of time can strip off years of enamel sell Haneman says, “I think it’s really
Last Thursday, Dean John Boyer un- and, in fact, lead to more cavities down good they’re finally addressing it. Dental
veiled a new wellness initiative: Dental the line. Instead, for the sake of your health has always carried stigma around
Health Awareness Week. Dean Boyer dental health, the administration advis- campus. It’s really not something you
said the campaign was put in place to en- es students to bring a toothbrush to the see students willing to talk about, even
sure no student forgets the importance A-level so you can brush at midnight. with close friends.”
of dental hygiene amid the stress of Fi- Give your teeth the imagined feeling Student organization Active Mouths
nals Week. you actually are sleeping while you founder and president, third-year Ra-
Posters are now up all over the Quad pummel cups of cold, but free, midnight chel Wilson, says students often fail to
with helpful tips and resources, re- Harper coffee and Clif Builder’s bars in demonstrate sensitivity towards dental
minding students to brush their teeth your mouth to stay awake.” health issues.
four times daily. In extreme situations, Boyer recommends taking dvantage of “Dental health has become a joke—
students can now schedule one-on-one their all-nighters for dental hygiene. even though it’s not at all something
appointments with dental health coun- “If you’re going to be up all night in a you joke about," says Wilson. "A lot of
selors through my.uchicago.edu. decreased state of productivity working times you’ll see students making jokes
In an school-wide email, Boyer wrote: on a list of things no human being can about their poor hygiene during finals,
“We’ve all been there: camped out in ever accomplish, you can at least use it at the cost of students who actually have
the B-level in the dark from the hours to the advantage of your dental health!” really shitty teeth they never brush. I
of two to six in preparation for midterm The administration now tells students hope for starters this will make students
exams and papers, waiting for a securi- to brush their teeth four times a day, more aware of the harmful impact even
ty guard to kick you out. While it can on an evenly paced schedule every six self-deprecating, dental-health related
be tempting to wait to brush your teeth hours, the first one at 10:00 a.m. and last jokes can have on the community."
until you get home at 7:00 a.m., this at 4:00 a.m. with an iPhone flashlight Boyer added that as a student body, we
schedule can actually be detrimental to on, as you hide in the pitch-black of the often overlook the implications of den-
your hygiene. Waiting so long and then fourth-floor stacks. tal health on our overall well-being and
vigorously brushing twice in a short pe- First-year dental-health advocate Rus- academic performance.
4Tips for Firsties
Every HUMA Class Ranked by How Badly You Have to
Shit During it
By Christian Villanueva be a problem. cause you have to poop pretty bad.
8. Readings in World Literature 5. Poetry and the Human You’re almost sweating.
How can a class make you need to poop? Let’s face it. Poetry is kind of shitty 2. Language and the Human
You don’t have to poop at all! You’re and the only thing it makes you want Oh my God, did you have Taco Bell
having a blast reading The Odyssey and to do is shit. You could risk it and wait for lunch? It moved through you like
definitely won’t have to shit for a while. for class to end, but you definitely ar- the Germans through France, and
7. Greece and Rome: Texts, Tradi- en’t making it any further than that. now instead of debating Plato with
tions, Transformations 4. Media Aesthetics your classmates, you’re internally
Admit it, you might be intrigued by Media Aesthetics? More like Media debating whether or not you’ll shit
Homer’s Iliad, but you feel it. Barring Athletics. Anyway, you’ll probably yourself if you try to get up and run
the poor soul who got Stony their have to poop soon because you’re to the single-user down the hall.
first year, you should be fine to make starting to fiddle and squirm in your 1. Reading Cultures
it back to your dorm before it’s too chair. You literally already shit yourself. You
late. 3. Human Being and Citizen confidently shit yourself as soon as you
6. Philosophical Perspectives You were into the great discussion walked into class and now everyone is
You’ve been holding it in for a while, your class had going, but you hav- too afraid to ask you to leave.
but if you keep clenching it shouldn’t en’t participated in a few minutes be-
Clueless First-Year Finds Himself in Rural Kentucky After
Wrong Boarding Shuttle Bus
By Sammy Elmasri and Will Jaffe I tried to get back on the bus, but it the raccoon had killed me,” he whined.
First-year Danny Fenton anticipated had already veered away by the time I For lazy “people” like Danny, here
an expedited trip when he boarded the turned around. I tried to run after it, is a list of stops on the South Shuttle
South Shuttle, but disaster struck as but the bus driver was Bus Route: Reynolds Club; North;
he mistakenly got off at its Kentucky laughing maniacally, making unbroken Cathey; International House; Goose
Stop, which as every seasoned student eye contact with me as she disappeared Creek, Kentucky; and then back to
knows, is the last stop before the shuttle over the horizon.” Reynolds Club.
returns to the Reynolds Club. As every Transloc user knows, the Additionally, recent changes have been
“I was wondering why it was taking me South Shuttle makes regular stops at made to the North Campus Shuttle
so long to get to Cathey,” Danny told Goose Creek, Kentucky in four hour Route. The revised version is as fol-
the Dealer. “After two hours of driv- intervals. Danny, foolishly, did not lows: Reynolds Club; Max P; 54th
ing, I decided to get off and walk the have Transloc. and Greenwood; Lake Park; The Reg;
rest of the way. Who knew the South “I thought that if I walked back, maybe Murry, Wisconsin; the Quadrangle;
Shuttle actually goes to Kentucky?” I could make it back in time for fourth Lake Wales, Florida; and then back to
We do. In fact, everybody knows, meal,” Danny admitted. “I made it Reynolds Club. But if you had Trans-
Danny. All UChicago shuttle routes back for lunch five days later.” loc, you would know that already.
were clearly outlined in Dean Boy- Danny barely survived. UCPD found We hope our coverage of the well-de-
er’s O-Week Welcoming Speech. You Danny limping back to campus covered served fate of Danny Fenton has taught
should have listened, Danny. Everyone in raccoon bites. He survived several any directionally-challenged students
else did. gunshot wounds. to pay more attention to the great shut-
Danny continued, “Once a guy on the Unfortunately, Danny has made a full tles that serve our own University of
road introduced himself as Colonel recovery. He is now struggling to make Chicago.
Sanders, I knew something was wrong. up for all the work he missed. “I wish
You didn't hear it from us, but Dean Ellison
washes his socks by hand!
5Wonk Alert
DC & NYC to Restrict Immigration of Public Policy Majors
By Nico Aldape only come to one of these the pubpol-as-econ-sellout reputation
“Y’all young, broke twenty-somethings two cities. It’s a little ridiculous,” con- of the major came from.
are coming into our town and stealing tinued Pulisic. “D.C. is as controlled “We’re not all econ sellouts! Some of us
the jobs from all us older broke twen- by UChi pubpol grads as Seattle is by try to change things, but then run into
ty-somethings," said District of Colum- Booth grads working at Amazon. A Sil- the numerous obstacles intentionally in
bia resident Sydney Pulisic. "Fuck all of icon Forest to compliment the Silicon place to stop that change and sell out
you.” Valley, right?” later,” Mond added. “I mean, I wish the
Pulisic added that she has “been here Recent public policy grads and current major spent as much time on how to fix
long enough that all the marble statues majors, however, had a different opin- broken politics from outside the system
and museums got old, which took all of ion. as it did on random irrelevant game the-
10 days.” “Telling a pubpol major to avoid D.C. ory bullshit, but hey, that’s just me. I
Pulisic was among many citizens against or NYC is like telling an English major lowkey hate this major!”
the influx of University of Chicago to go to Cheyenne, Wyoming,” chimed Mond later emailed the Shady Dealer
Public Policy majors. As Washington, in third-year Amelia Mond. “It’s not saying that, despite her objections, she
D.C. and New York City each prepare that other cities don’t have political ma- would apply to the Harris School of
to enact measures specifically targeting chines (or publishing houses), other cit- Public Policy before moving with her
them, tensions have run high. ies just have, you know, bigger and bet- girlfriend to the Upper East Side to be a
“It’s like those ex-econ major cop-outs ter ones.” political consultant.
and poli sci people who don’t like theory Mond added that she is unsure where
Is He Flirting with You or Just Promoting an IOP Event?
By Emily Feigenbaum Campaign Act of 1971 limited the abil- week’s seminar is about the controver-
Dating at UChicago can be difficult. ity of political parties to use soft-money sial nature of Citizens United v. FEC?
Sometimes it’s not so clear whether to fund advertisements, but you know Uh, it’s obvious he’s trying to unite
that special person is demonstrating an what’s limitless? Love. Will you take his with YOU! This dashing IOP Casanova
interest in you or if he’s drumming up hand and embark on the great odyssey is positively spellbound and “lobbying”
attention for an event at the Institute of romance? for your affection. Be sure to RSVP us-
of Politics in order to ignite a passion 2. After forwarding you links to sign up ing the Eventbrite link and to arrive ap-
for public service amongst college stu- for seminars and office hours, he adds proximately 10 minutes early to claim a
dents. Ugh, don’t you just hate mixed that this Thursday’s seminar will have good seat.
signals? pizza. 4. You receive the same message again,
If you’re having trouble navigating the If Domino’s be the food of love, play this time in an email forwarded by an
uncertainty of campus romance, here on! In adherence with the University’s RSO list host from which you meant to
are some easy ways to determine that commitment to diversity of thought unsubscribe.
he’s flirting with you and not just pro- and free speech, the IOP is hosting this Many advocates of campaign finance
moting an upcoming IOP event. event to allow students to learn about reform are saying no to money in the
1. You haven’t spoken to him in at least politics and policy from different per- political system, but will you say yes to
a year, but he messages out of the blue spectives. You should go to this piz- love? This lovesick Fellows Ambassa-
to inform you that former Washington za-catered event. By reaching across the dor is not just promoting an IOP event
Post columnist and veteran political aisle in sizzling political debate, you’ll through various avenues—he’s clearly
operative Francesco Myers-Jones will soon enough be walking down the aisle flirting with you! Now that you know
be hosting a 7-week-long seminar se- to marry the Fellows Ambassador on he’s into you, the ball is in your court.
ries about the importance of campaign whom you were brave enough to take a Just always remember that it all began
finance reform in a post-Trump era at chance. Please remember, however, that at a nonpartisan institution where you
the Institute of Politics. this event is off the record. had the opportunity to engage with a
Well, well, well. All great love stories 3. He posts the same message verbatim diverse cohort of elected political offi-
have great beginnings, and so begins on the Facebook pages for the Classes of cials, diplomats, policymakers, activists,
yours! Falling in love is never easy, 2019, 2020, 2021, and 2022. and journalists who come to campus
but neither is a round-table discussion All of these posts about the influence of each academic quarter to engage with
about the implications and legacy of super PACs in recent presidential elec- students through weekly seminars and
the McCain-Feingold Act. This 2002 tions just goes to show how “super” office hours.
6
amendment to the Federal Election into you he is! And the fact that nextSexy Secrets
Review: Eating an Entire Jar of Nutella in One Sitting
By Calpernia Higginbotham release. You hear and feel a pop at the lips, and you lose control. The world
You’ve done it. Everyone’s gone for the same time, and the tiniest rush of en- narrows down to the jar in front of you,
day—for classes, whatever that means. dorphins washes over you. You feel the and you are only conscious of move-
No one around, no one to bother you. urge to yank off the lid and shove your ment, back and forth, back and forth, as
You’ve got the apartment all to your- fist through the seal to the sweet nectar your hand repeatedly, seemingly end-
self. Your eyes lock on the cupboard beneath, but you resist—only the best lessly transports the orgasmic flavor to
door, a once unremarkable object for those who wait. You give the lid a your mouth, both becoming coated in
turned titillating at the thought of what few turns and carefully lift it off so as sticky brown goo. As you reach the bot-
lies behind it. You pull on the handle, not to disturb the gold foil beneath it. tom, you swipe up as much as you can
swing it open, and there, sitting on the You take a moment to admire the virgin at once, one last hurrah, and shove the
shelf, it is: a 13-ounce jar of Nutella. surface, the undisturbed mirror that you whole affair deep in your throat, your
Unopened, and almost glowing with wouldn’t dare to mar with your own vis- tongue swirling around your finger in
allure. age, hideous in comparison to the beau- mindless bliss.
You reach out for the jar, body full of ty in your hand. With a fingernail, you As you scrape the sides of the jar for
awe. A tingle rushes down your arm as scrape along the edges, the slight grating any remaining traces, you start to come
you make contact with the cold glass. vibrating deep within your core. The down from your high, and you become
It’s so… hard. You shudder, as the thrill edges of the foil now lifted, you begin conscious of the delightfully filthy smile
of what you’re about to do courses to remove it, going slowly so as to keep splitting your face in two. You lick what
through you. it intact. For now, you want to keep it you can out of the jar, off your hand,
You turn from the cupboard, mind so clean—the mess will come later. off your own face, before giving the jar
absorbed with what’s in your hand that As the foil peels off bone-achingly slow- one last glance before casting it away in
you forget to close the door behind ly, you experience a slight shudder as the recycling bin. You can’t bear to look
you. It’s weighty, oh so weighty in your the last bit of it lifts off. There’s nothing again, not wanting to be reminded of
clammy palm. Your mouth waters, and now between you and the Nutella, and what you once had, gone too soon.
you lick your lips without blinking. you take a moment to breathe. No need You wash your face, hands, and body in
No need to rush. With slow, deliberate to rush, no need to rush, you repeat to the kitchen sink, flipping on the light
movements, you clasp the pure white yourself as a mantra as you slowly, ag- switch as you head back to your bed-
lid: the perfect size, like you were meant onizingly slowly, lower your grubby room. You collapse on your bed, sated
to be together. At the store, when you human finger into the food of the gods. and wistful, reflecting on your day, on
were just checking it out, it seemed a lit- A big scoop, a smear on your tongue, life, on youth and pleasure. And then,
tle too big, but now, you’re surprised at and you are in ecstasy. No one has ever as the feeling of what you have just
how ready you are for what’s about to made you feel this way—not when you done really hits you, you literally have
come. lost your virginity, not after a long rela- no other choice but run to the bath-
You apply the gentlest pressure to the tionship built on love and trust. This is room and vomit.
lid, pushing slowly, teasing the jar to something else. A soft moan escapes your
Trump Dodges Battle for House, Blames Bone Spur
By John Buterbaugh to others within his party and CNN. It would’ve been tremendous.”
Donald Trump managed to dodge re- Trump said he hoped he could’ve been Following the press conference, Mr.
sponsibility for yet another conflict: this more active during the midterm elec- Trump was seen running (as best he can,
time, the battle for the U.S. House of tion season, which he claims is “totally, at least) into the arms of an unknown
Representatives. At a press conference 100% not my fault, believe me,” but that shirtless man on a horse. The President’s
held Saturday, the President called the a "bad bone spur” sidelined him from ac- “noble gait" seemed to be in peak form,
midterm elections which swept Demo- tion. raising doubts about his claimed bone
crats into control of the House “a tre- Trump managed to dodge the battle for spur. The Shady Dealer has yet to con-
mendous, Vietnam-level victory.” control of Congress, but assured the firm or deny the validity of Mr. Trump’s
When questioned by the press about the press that if he were there “it would’ve injuries, but we have received word that
loss of a projected 40 seats, Trump shift- been the biggest win you’d have ever campus health services can see him in
ed blame for “any setbacks or errors” seen, trust me, even bigger than Saigon. five weeks.
7News in Brief
KIM AND KANYE MOVE TO cert later this year if the school will "I DON'T LIVE IN A BUB-
HYDE PARK let him rename North Campus after BLE!" STUDENT TWEETS
By Sylvia Ebenbach his daughter North West. FROM MANSUETO
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West Speaking of the kids, North and By Sam Nitkin
have already begun their move to Saint have been seen running around At 12:38 p.m. on Wednesday, No-
the cold, dreary city of Chicago and the dining hall and crawling under vember 27, first-year student Kath-
have chosen an optimal location that tables with the other children. Do erine Blake tweeted to her 891 fol-
fully embodies the weather: the Uni- not be surprised when you see them lowers, “I don’t live in a bubble!”
versity of Chicago. They decided to playing hide and seek under the from the interior of the Joe and Rika
trade the internalized sadness of Cal- chairs! As for their baby, Chicago, Mansueto Library Reading Room.
ifornians for the outward displeasure we will have to wait on her opinion Katherine, originally from Los An-
of UChicago students. of living at a university named after geles, California, was using Twitter
The power couple has been spotted herself. to procrastinate on doing her "Earth
around campus, but it’s hard to tell Echoing the feelings of many first- as a Planet" problem set. Katherine
the difference between them and the years, the transition has been hard had chosen Mansueto because the
other students because they never for Kardashian. She has no clue glass dome provided warmth and
smile either. After Kanye dropped what to wear as the weather gets protection from the thirty-five-de-
President Trump as his best friend colder, and after having exhausted gree weather outside.
(maybe long distance was too hard the photo shoot opportunities pro- Katherine, who has never been south
after all), it's a waiting game to see vided by a pile of fall leaves, she has of 61st Street, followed up by tweet-
which old white male he will ally been lacking ideas for her Instagram ing, “Things get real on the south
with next. Dean Boyer is always a feed. She tried to go out to bar night side of Chicago. Don’t @ me.”
strong choice, but Presiden on a Wednesday but left confused When asked to clarify, Katherine told
Zimmer is supposedly on the short about why instead of being paid to the Shady Dealer, “I saw a homeless
list. be there, the only money exchanged man walking along the Midway yes-
West is allegedly a huge fan of the was to pay for the drinks. terday. I just feel that I’m getting an
"free expression" message from the Kardashian was heard saying, “Is experience that my friends who go
administration but doesn't seem to this how frat parties are supposed to to UCLA don’t. I’m growing as a
fully understand it in practice. He work?” person by being here.”
keeps interrupting people in the However, she was proud to hear her Katherine then asked the Dealer if
middle of their argument with his husband’s latest hit "I Love It" played the interview could be continued
go-to “Imma let you finish, but” and at least 43 times over the course of indoors, as she had lost her Canada
ranting long enough that they forget an hour. Goose jacket at a frat party the night
their point anyway. Needless to say, Kim misses her sis- before and had never experienced
It is also rumored that a new album is ters greatly. For that reason, she this kind of cold.
in the works. Possible album names plans to rush a sorority next fall. It is Upon further investigation, the
include "(I Can’t Wait Until) Grad- predicted she will join Kappa Alpha Dealer can confidently report that
uation," "The Life of Boyer," and Theta - that way she can continue the homeless man Katherine report-
"College Dropout 2: the Remix." with the "K" theme. Stay tuned to ed seeing was actually a Cobb Coffee
West also plans to replace all the see the drama unfold on a future ep- shop employee. The employee, who
UChicago gear in the bookstore isode of Keeping up with the Kappa. wishes to remain anonymous, told
with Yeezy merch. However, there the Dealer he was “honored by the
are concerns that the holes in many ambiguity in his outfit.”
of the collection’s pieces might cause Katherine describes herself as a
problems for students during the “woke bae” in her Twitter bio. The
winter. tweet currently has four likes and
Additionally, West says he will even one retweet.
perform at the Summer Breeze con-
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