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the whiner times presents:
our guardianread
angel
more p. 9
IN THIS EDITION:
Disclaimer: This is a special satirical edition of
the Niner Times. The opinions expressed are not
FAKE NEWS representative of UNC Charlotte, our advertisers,
the Niner Times as a whole, or Student Niner
Media.
PRETTY PERSON
April Carte PAGE 3 Gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss
PAGE 3 UNC Charlotte student body is not attractive
editor@ninertimes.com
EDITORIAL POLICE BLOTTER:
Vasiliki Gkoulgkountina CAMP PAGE 4 Toon-in and study
HALFBLOOD COUNSELOR
PAGE 4 A Niner baby is born
Tyler Trudeau DIGITAL MEDIA
DICTATOR
Madison Dobrzenski BOOZE EDITOR
BALL COVERAGE
Hiral Patel FASHIONABLE AIRHEAD
Emily Kottak PIG QUEEN
PAGE 6 Charlotte football is playing themselves, but
Bradley Cole BALL ENTHUSIAST why?
Isabella Perryman GRAMMAR(LY) GOD
PAGE 7 We made it to the final four
Niyathi Sulkunte ASPIRING YOGI
María Solano 4K 1080P VISION
FARTS & COUTURE
Zoya Zalevskiy EDITOR? I HARDLY KNOW
HER
PAGE 8 No one cares about the Oscars... until they do
ASSISTANT EDITORS PAGE 9 Our guardian angel
Jessica Ceballos SNOOZE EDITOR
Isaac Naylor SMOOTH-BRAINED PAGE 10 Why taking 18 credit hours is the way to go
SOCIALIST
PAGE 11 Dear Niner Times: How do I go Greek?
Jake Pierce POKEMON MASTER
Bryson Foster SPORT STUD
AJ Siegel GRAMMAR(LY) GREMLIN
Elizabeth McGuire LIZZIE MCGUIRE
Matt Lower ADULT BOSS BABY
Sunnya Hadavi THE LEGO JOKER
CONTRIBUTING STAFF
Kathryn Caudill, wannabe diplomat
COVER PHOTO
Chris Crews
COVER DESIGN
Zoya Zalevskiy
MARKETING DIRECTOR
Megan Reid
mktdirector@uncc.edu
ASST. CREATIVE DIRECTOR
Megan Rice
LOCATED ON THE LOWER LEVEL OF THE STUDENT UNION
Niner Times • Uptown Audio
Nova Literary-Arts Magazine
Media Marketing • Technical • Midas
Magazine
THE UNIVERSITY OF NORTH CAROLINA AT CHARLOTTE
Kelly Merges NINER MEDIA ADVISER
Laurie Cuddy BUSINESS MANAGER
Joshua Wood ASST. MEDIA ADVISER
Patricia Cox ASST. MEDIA ADVISER
2 APRIL 5, 2022 NINERTIMES
Photo by Niyathi Sulkunte
NT FAKE
NT NEWS
Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss
Whiner Times Exposes Library’s Book Withholding Conspiracy
by AJ Siegel Photo evidence of Atkins conspiracy
Grammar(ly) Gremlin by Niyathi Sulkunte
disappearances are concerned about where they’re stored. matters worse. Students used to be able to
nothing to sneeze at. The Why would we want to get rid of books? peruse shelves and pick out books, but now
library’s funding comes Our job is to help students read more.” they are left with no choice but to take what
directly from students Most of the library staff provided they came for—nothing more, nothing less.
A
(read: loan companies), similar excuses, including Engagement “We still have some print copies
fter conducting a two-week
yet they are not being told where their Coordinator Graham Merly and on-site, and, of course, students can
investigation into J. Murrey Atkins
money is going. The books are gone, Information Literacy Librarian Dick browse our collections online,” Chanary
Library, Whiner Times has confirmed the
and even though Atkins seems to be Chanary. However, they failed to explain mansplained. “Yes, we are moving our
culprit for the library’s alarmingly low
replacing them with individual and group Atkins’ history of hoarding books. The books to offsite storage, but that doesn’t
amount of books. Contrary to the popular
workspaces, the void is far from filled. library’s website boasts over 700,000 mean students can’t access them.”
narrative of students genuinely being
“My dark academia dreams have been volumes and hundreds of thousands of This gaslighting claims that books
interested in reading, the disappearance
crushed,” said Constance Noring, another other documents. And yet, the average are still easily accessible, but only at the
appears to be an inside job, which the
concerned student. “I came to college just student checks out a measly 6.9 books a librarians’ will. Whiner Times conducted
library staff is classifying as “offsite storage.”
to pose with all the dusty bookshelves, semester. Students must then return the a walk-through in the library and could
At least two students have voiced their
and now the library wants me to study? books, meaning that Atkin’s maintains near- only locate 420 books, although admittedly,
concerns about the books’ disappearances.
With other people? It’s laughable.” constant control of information on campus. the staff lost count after reaching that
Whiner Times spoke with Joe Mama,
The library staff has repeatedly brushed The library staff is gatekeeping everything super cool and epic number. Regardless,
a particularly distraught student.
off concerns about this rapid disappearance stored in the library. The conspiracy is it is still far less than the amount of
“How am I supposed to know I can check
and even seems thrilled by students’ admittedly a well-hidden one, as students books Atkins claim to possess.
out books when I can’t see them? This is just
sudden interest in library materials. think they have control by “checking out Even after being confronted,
like when my parents would play their sick
“We’re just happy that students are books,” but the librarians control when and Atkins Library continues to push
Peek-a-boo game, but the books haven’t
interested in books again,” Paige Turner, if students receive the books. This toxic the narrative of “offsite storage” for
come back from behind my blankie yet.”
the student success librarian, said. system has been in place for decades, but books. It’s no wonder that Turner’s
Student fears about the book
“Although I’m not sure why you’re so the books’ sudden disappearance has made favorite book is “The Book Thief.”
UNC Charlotte student body is not attractive
The dangers of mask fishing and the mistake campus made lifting the mask mandate
by April Carte
Pretty Person
A bout four weeks ago, UNC Charlotte
announced that masks would
no longer be required on campus.
for misrepresenting one’s identity online.”
But masks have been used for more than
just slowing the spread of COVID-19.
like it hid my most attractive features.”
He continued by saying, “I was so happy
when the mandate got lifted, but the day
The good news is that UNC Charlotte
is not alone. At East Carolina University
(ECU), much of their student body has
However, many students believe that For some people, a mask can hide any we all returned to class after spring break, discovered that they too suffer from a
UNC Charlotte made a big mistake undesirable features. It wasn’t until the none of the girls could stand looking lack of attractiveness. But this seems to
lifting the mask mandate. The removal lift of the mask mandate that the UNC me in the eyes anymore. I think they have been a discovery made well before
of masks has come with a hefty price: Charlotte community realized that their are just shy now without their masks.” the pandemic. ECU’s mask mandate was
the reveal of a hideous student body. campus was not exempt from mask fishing. A few Reddit members also shared not highly enforced, and many students
The mask mandate lift came after the In a few different Yik Yak posts, many comments about the removal of masks. chose not to hide their unattractive
UNC System deemed it “safe” to make students communicated their frustrations. A user named u/bickdeekman, said, “At features with a mask. Experts say many
them optional in shared spaces. But the “Some of y’all need to put masks back this point I want COVID numbers to other schools across North Carolina have
system failed students yet again. The UNC on, non-covid related,” says one user. go back up. I can’t concentrate in class faced the same issues as both ECU and
Charlotte community might be “safe” “These ‘cute’ guys in my classes aren’t anymore with how many ugly people are UNC Charlotte, which has left many
from COVID, but they are not safe from looking so cute after lifting this mask sitting around me.” Another user replied, students wondering how there are this
the horrendous effects of mask fishing. mandate,” says another. To these students, “I’m sure you’re also not so good-looking. many unattractive people in the world.
The phenomenon of mask fishing began the mandate was doing them a favor. Show yourself!” Unlike many other social As the UNC System and the state
when people were told to wear masks to In an interview with the Whiner media platforms, Reddit does not create the continues to monitor cases of COVID-19,
reduce the spread of COVID-19 beginning Times, one student who requested to option for users to add profile pictures. This the future of whether or not UNC
in March 2020. The New York Times says, stay anonymous said, “I wore a mask allows users to hide behind their screens Charlotte will ever see an attractive
“The term is a play on ‘catfishing,’ the slang during the mandate, but I always felt much like they did with their masks. student population again is unknown.
NINERTIMES.COM APRIL 5, 2022 3
Toon-in and study
UNC Charlotte’s newest academic support program involves watching kids’ television shows
by Kathryn Caudill
Wannabe Diplomat
T he spring 2022 semester will mark
the beginning of UNC Charlotte’s
newest academic support program
“We hope this will simplify some subject
areas to reduce stress in studying,” said
a Niner Notice sent out on April 1.
been shown to help create a better study
environment, as seen again at ECU.
“We are excited to partner with UNC
resource is utilizing the writing and
public speaking resource centers for
help on papers and presentations.
that utilizes children’s television This program has been modeled by Charlotte; however, we thought it was However, these resources are at limited
shows for exam preparation. Eastern Carolina University (ECU) and for students with children, but whatever,” capacity due to mandatory training for
The movie theater located in the was proven successful in increasing class said Mikayla Flop, a Gerber consultant. all University staff on the proper protocol
Popp Martin Student Union will begin participation, attendance and overall UNC Charlotte will hold final exams for responding to student tantrums, as
playing children’s shows for each major grades on final exams, according to their for the spring semester from May 5 to stated in the April 1 Niner Notice.
beginning April 26. Each day, a new Chancellor, Dr. Phillip P. Rodgers. May 12, 2022, with the last day of classes The University has seen an increase
show will be played on a loop. “We are very proud of this being May 3. May 4 will now serve as Nap in tantrum-like behavior due to
On April 26, “Bob the Builder” will revolutionary program and how Day to help recharge before final exams. the delay in opening Auntie Anne’s
be played for architecture students. conducive it was to our students’ The University has several options to in the new Science Building.
“Bob really taught me about tools and performance last fall,” said Rodgers. help prepare students for these exams, “I want my pretzel dogs, and I
the correct way to approach difficult The full list of shows will be listed on including peer mentoring and tutoring want them now,” said B. S. Comb, a
situations on the job site,” said Leviticus the Student Union website. If your major for specific subjects and classes. second-year undecided student who
Cost, a second-year architecture student. was not listed, it’s suggested to attend Office hours are available at each was seen crying on Craver Road.
Other examples include “Corey in the the general showing of “BrainPOP” professor’s discretion, and the library “We are excited for these upcoming
House” for political science students, with Tim and Moby, where specific can help create study guides for changes and hope to see positive
“Martha Speaks” for English, “Biz Kids” classes and topics can be addressed. classes by collaborating with specific results,” said the Niner Notice.
for business, “Phineas and Ferb” for The Gerber company will provide subject librarians. The advising office
engineering, “Dora the Explorer” for snacks to help simulate a calmer and is also holding several workshops on
Spanish, and “Sesame Street” for education. more nostalgic environment which has preparing for exams. Another available
A niner baby is born
Follow-up on Norm’s paternity shoot in September 2021
by Madison Dobrzenski Photo of Norm and Normie
Booze Editor courtesy of Norm’s custody lawyer
anonymous source. “I really don’t know which is important for a child. Not only
for sure, Norm stopped talking to me that, but I don’t really want Normie
pretty soon after the pregnancy began.” to become a mascot down the line. It
The source disclosed the ongoing would be harder work for our little
custody battle between them and Norm. girl,” said the anonymous source.
“I tried to tell him that a college campus is “I have been friends with Norm for a long
no place to raise a child, and mascotting time now, and I know he’s fully committed
is not a reliable or consistent career.” to being a good father to Normie. This
Some in the mascot community had custody battle is completely out of line
comments regarding Norm’s pregnancy. and unnecessary,” said PeeDee. “And
“I think Norm is brave for being so besides, mascotting is a terrific career.”
I n a creative and groundbreaking
paternity shoot, Norm the Niner
announced his pregnancy with Normie.
displayed a pregnant Norm the Niner, the
University’s mascot. Although this is not the
usual depiction of Norm, an investigation
open about such a controversy family
dynamic,” said Peedee the Pirate.
The Niner family worked in mines for
After several failed correspondences
via an Amazon-purchased ouija board,
the Whiner Times was eventually able
This announcement came as a clever conducted by us here at the Whiner Times years, until UNC Charlotte was founded to reach Cone for comment through
Niner Times cover about Drake’s album has found that the University criticized in 1946 and Bonnie Cone approached a Charlie-Charlie game. “Yes,” said
“Certified Lover Boy” that ran on Sept. this cover because they wanted to hide the family to represent the University. Cone’s ghost in response to the inquiry
21, 2021. Normie “‘Lil Nugget” Niner the truth about Norm’s pregnancy. The family considered it a calling, and about Normie’s mascot destiny.
was born on Jan. 1, 2022 at 3:49 p.m. and An anonymous source in close relation could not say no. It’s been an inherited The Whiner Times will continue
was 4 pounds, 9 ounces and 15 inches. to Norm the Niner spoke with the Whiner responsibility of the family ever since. to follow the child via hacked-baby
The Whiner Times, the student-run news Times about the new Niner baby. “I understand that Norm feels an monitors and regularly report back.
source at UNC Charlotte, received some “When that cover was released, Norm obligation to his family and his position, Be sure to keep an eye out for Normie
criticism for this cover, because the cover was about 24 weeks along,” said the but my job has much more stability around UNC Charlotte’s campus.
4 APRIL 5, 2022 NINERTIMES
NTCARTOON
NT OPINION
cartoon by Isaac Naylor
Smooth-brained Socialist
NINERTIMES.COM APRIL 5, 2022 5
NTSPORTS
NT SPORTS
BALL COVERAGE NT ARTS
NT ARTSNT
&& CULTURE
CULTURE
SPORTS
CHARLOTTE FOOTBALL IS
PLAYING ITSELF,
BUT WHY?
Answer the question: What is a spring game?
by Bryson Foster & Bradley Cole
Sport Stud & Ball Enthusiast
C
harlotte football took on a very which we call a “touchdown,” came
familiar foe over the weekend. from a sixth-year duo of quarterback,
Was it Western Kentucky, the person throwing the ball, Chris
FAU or how about North Texas? Reynolds, and wide receiver, the person
Nope, none of those. The 49ers pitted catching the ball, Victor Tucker.
themselves against, you guessed it, the 49ers A touchdown is worth six points, but
in their annual spring game. The game can the kicker who kicks the ball adds another
be somewhat confusing for the average point to make it 7-0, which put Charlotte
viewer so let’s clear that up by recapping ahead of Charlotte. Green grew their lead as
the most talked about contest in college Reynolds continued to throw and then hit
football. Just like in the regular season, the Jarius “Nono” Mack for another touchdown,
49ers get to beat up on the competition. which one could say was a yes-yes.
The first area of business we need to Reynolds followed the theme of seeing
take care of is why the Charlotte football double by hitting his younger brother Jack
team is playing itself; aren’t they on Reynolds for a lucky 13-yard completion.
the same side? The truth is there are It is hard to tell these two apart, which is
no friends in football or the industry. scary and could fool even the best defenses.
This game is marketed as practice, but The running backs got involved by
really it’s just to give the players an running the ball (what did you think
excuse to tear their teammates apart. I would say?). Chavon McEachern
The honest answer is to get a first said, “to each its own,” as he scored
glimpse of what the team has to offer, for the white team to pull them back
so we sit and watch the sport we love into the game as they trailed 21-17.
while rooting for either the Charlotte Trexler Ivy, one of the backup
green or white team. The natural choice quarterbacks who plays in relief if the
of who to root for is based on which starter gets hurt, stole the spotlight like
uniform color we like the most. Will Smith at the Oscars as he hit the
Why are we like this? Humans can’t go gap and ran the ball into the end zone
more than six months without watching a to win the game for the white team.
football game. You might have other coping So, in short, Charlotte defeated
mechanisms, but for “sports ball” fans, this Charlotte in the game where Charlotte
is the only way we can get through this players played Charlotte players in
long thing called life. What is the meaning Charlotte at Charlotte’s football stadium.
of life if not to run full speed into another Are you still following along? To make
full-grown man? Popping a teammate that sure you, say that ten times fast.
won’t stop talking and has gotten on your I hope this has been helpful, and if not,
last nerve is a great way to relieve stress. you are a lost cause. Football continues to
Okay, enough philosophical talk. Let’s be the greatest thing in life, and I am sorry
get into some hard-hitting, action-packed if you are missing out. I’m going to sit
Charlotte Head Coach Will Healy screaming in a players face
(I guess) and downright dangerous down; that’s enough excitement for one day.
photo courtesy of Charlotte Athletics
shenanigans. The first score of the game,
6 APRIL 5, 2022 NINERTIMES
NTSPORTS
NT SPORTS NT ARTS
NT ARTSNT
&& CULTURE
CULTURE
SPORTS
WE MADE IT
TO THE FINAL FOUR
Eager fan speaks with the Whiner Times
about UNC’s historic season
by Madison Dobrzenski
Booze Editor
U
NC made it to the 2022 to see UNC win such a historic game.”
Final Four for the first time After the game, most students ran to
since 1977. Who says UNC Franklin Street to celebrate. “I was a little
is not an athletic powerhouse? sad we weren’t back home in Charlotte
The last time UNC went to the Final because rushing Craver Road would have
Four was in the 1976-1977 season. To been a great tradition to start,” she says.
progress to what remains the best season In 2017, when signs declaring Chapel
in the basketball program’s history, UNC Hill the Men’s National Championship
beat Syracuse 81-59 to advance to the Elite winners were placed on highways
Eight, and then the 49ers took out Michigan across North Carolina, many attendees
to advance to the Final Four. Although of other colleges were upset.
UNC lost to Marquette in the national “I remember when they placed those
semifinals, UNC’s final record that year was signs, and people were scared that we
28-5, a school record for wins in a season. would be confused for Chapel Hill. I get
On April 2, 2022, in a historic game, it; however, I see now that people truly
UNC played Duke for the first time in see UNC for who we are,” said Collins.
years. An eager UNC student drove all the Collins attends 49er basketball games
way to Chapel Hill to witness history. very regularly. In fact, most know her
“I don’t know why Chapel Hill as “UNC’s biggest fan.” As a fourth-year
hosted us, but I was so excited to student, Collins said she could not miss a
see UNC in the Final Four. I had to single game during this historic season.
be there,” said Catelyn Collins. UNC beat Duke in a close game, with
According to the Men’s Basketball a final score of 81-77, meaning that
History, the last time UNC played UNC will play Kansas in the NCAA
Duke in 2009 Duke beat UNC 59 - Championship on April 4, 2022.
101. Collins was excited to see UNC “I don’t know if I’ll be able to travel
progress to the championship. to New Orleans, but I’m trying to.
“Everyone was so excited, but no one I can’t miss such a historic game
was sporting UNC green. I only saw blue, for the 49ers,” said Collins.
and not Duke’s color blue,” said Collins. Photo of UNC student Catelyn Collins holding up her pickaxe at the UNC v. Duke game on April 2,
2022 in Chapel Hill by Carl Collins
“Despite this, I knew everyone was excited
NINERTIMES.COM APRIL 5, 2022 7
NT FARTS
ARTS &&CULTURE
COUTURE NT ARTS
NT ARTSNT
&& CULTURE
CULTURE
SPORTS
NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE
OSCARS... UNTIL THEY DO
Hollywood cage match threatens to make award show slightly more exciting
by Tyler Trudeau REAL photo of Oscars fight
Digital Media Dictator courtesy of Andrew Garfield
T
he Academy Awards, or the Oscars, the night, only speaking when he was and local waitress Amy Schumer. Luckily, “please don’t mess with Will Smith.”
used to be an annual highlight in honored with the Best Actor award for co-host Wanda Sykes rescued most of A rather uninspired ceremony with
spring primetime television. It sat “King Richard” a mere ten minutes later. the show, despite appearing at the show a phenomenal middle act ultimately
at the top of a cluttered pedestal of glitzy The moment sent shockwaves briefly dressed up as the now-controversial prevented the broadcast from barely
and overhyped award shows, drawing every across the Twitter-verse, overtaking former Hollywood icon Will Smith. falling into a pit of forgettable nights in
cinephile and household with cable to their a night of trailblazing achievements “This bit was created way before the long catalog of Oscars history. Even
small screen to see Hollywood’s biggest and unsurprising upsets. the slapping incident,” Sykes said as as the ceremony continued its tired
stars walk across a carpet and then react “This is more shocking than anything she practiced winding her arm up. routine, it managed to garner 0.6% higher
to cameras for three hours. The ceremony else that happened tonight, even ‘Zack The influx of comedic material viewership compared to the record-
once celebrated the finest crop of the year’s Snyder’s Justice League’ winning an award performed by Schumer, written by fellow low viewership of the 93rd, 90th and all
films, back when people could actually over ‘Spider-Man: No Way Home,’” said ex-comedian Louis C.K., resulted in sci-fi Oscars after 2009. The Smith-Rock match
go out and see those films in a theater. boyish heartthrob Timothée Chalamet heavy-hitter “Dune” and no other film proved to accomplish a feat the Academy
Now, the award show is a tedious block immediately following the ceremony. snagging up a handful of awards in near members have been striving towards for
of television that drags its metaphysical As the night continued on, the Internet silence just before the show began. A few years now: getting people to care about
feet between moments of shock or was embroiled in debates over whether notable celebrations of the anniversaries, the Oscars again. While the discussion
controversy. While recent years have Rock’s comment went too far and whether like that one movie your dad always talks on the many achievements of the film
presented a much tamer broadcast, only the comedian deserved to steal Will Smith’s about and the “James Bond” cinematic industry appears minimal, the talk of
making 85 sexist jokes compared to the girl. Some actors in attendance took to universe, gave some indication of the which Hollywood stars might battle each
usual 240, the 2022 Oscars was marred by social media to proclaim their stance on ceremony’s theme of “movie lovers other next remains a heated topic.
controversy, most notably the unannounced Rock’s comments and Smith’s unnecessary unite,” before it was promptly changed to
MMA cage match between actor Will act of violence, while others sat quietly
Smith and comedian Chris Rock. and continued to sip their champagne.
The audience and crew members were “I have no clue what was going
stunned at the March 27 ceremony when on,” said Tom Hanks from his
Smith erupted onto the stage and issued couch at home in Los Angeles.
a duel to Rock for the hand of Smith’s When approached after the event
supposed wife, Jada Pinkett Smith. for comment, Pinkett Smith left
Following Rock’s provocative comment without a word and was later seen
on Pinkett Smith’s new hairstyle, Smith boarding Rock’s private jet.
appeared visibly offended and was brought The altercation provided a much-needed
to tears. Swiftly wiping away the tears with boost of excitement and testosterone
a pair of hundred-dollar bills, the actor to an otherwise uneventful night. As
climbed onto the stage with the help of awards were dealt out with anticlimactic
children Jaden and Willow and promptly rapidness, topical jokes about the gender
issued a challenge of fisticuffs to the wage gap and Florida’s “Don’t Say Gay” bill
comedian. The duel ended in mere seconds squeaked through but ultimately fell flat.
as the actor’s hand slipped and collided In a controversial but entirely expected
with Rock’s face, leaving the comedian press release, the Academy said it is
paralyzed from the neck up. Satisfied by actively working to reduce the number of
his supposed win, Smith returned to his awards broadcasted on air to make room
seat and remained silent for the rest of for more quips from replacement co-host
8 APRIL 5, 2022 NINERTIMESProspector Goose
OUR GUARDIAN ANGEL
THE REAL MASCOT OF UNC CHARLOTTE
by Zoya Zalevskiy Photos of holy goose
Editor? I hardly know her courtesy of uncc.geese Instagram
Y
ou may have seen a new face around mission has been made clear in online posts: to
UNC Charlotte’s campus. Maybe you “Defend Prospector from the Accursed Geese.”
have scrolled through his fan page So, is this bird friend? Or foe? Despite the when asked to reflect on his growing
on Instagram, seen his shenanigans posted cynicism surrounding his behavior, Prospector popularity. The goose refused to
on Reddit, or even, if you’re lucky, have met Goose’s popularity has only grown among comment on his involvement with
him when on your way to pick up a package. students. A student, who chooses to remain campus police, remaining silent
Known simply as the Prospector Goose, this anonymous at this time, has dedicated hours for the rest of the interview.
waterfowl closely observes Charlotte’s student to running a fan page for the celebrity. “He’s After extensive research and
body. He sits atop the Prospector building, just magical. Truly he has a type of stage interviews, the exact reasons as to
meanders through the outdoor picnic tables presence I have never seen before, and it is why this goose decided to settle at
and rests delicately in the sun on warm days. honestly inspiring,” they said. When asked UNC Charlotte’s Prospector building
As a result, he has become highly celebrated why they work so hard to showcase the goose, remains a mystery. His intentions on
on campus and in the surrounding area as their response was: “As stressed-out students, campus and with other students are
students are always at the ready to catch a month away from finals and graduation, he still unknown. However, one thing is
a peek or even a photo of the legend. reminds us it’s okay to relax in the sun and certain; he has made an impact. “He
Prospector Goose, however, does have a to keep negative people out of our lives.” gives us hope. He makes us laugh. He
dark side. Some students have reported being The Whiner Times was fortunate enough reminds us of all the good there is in
hissed at or chased by the bird. One incident to meet with this mysterious and beloved life,” the fan page owner said. For now,
involved campus police, but the circumstances bird to learn what he is all about. Prospector Prospector Goose remains an integral
as to why are unclear. The uncertainty of his Goose, first, took us on a walk around his part of campus life, and his wisdom
actions has put some on edge, prompting a building, stopping to show his interviewers can be shared through his joyous
group of vigilantes to keep watch of the greater all his favorite spots. Next, he nestled honks and relaxed outlook on life.
Prospector area. Although these masked himself into some delightful-looking grass,
figures were not caught for an interview, their responding with a positive-sounding honk
NINERTIMES.COM APRIL 5, 2022 9Why taking 18
credit hours
is the way to go
Here are my top reasons for taking more classes
by Emily Kottak Photo of successful student
Pig Queen by Concerned Roomate
I
f you love lack of sleep, almost passing the classes, you can still have the books to
out from not having enough time to eat read and look back on so you don’t forget
in between classes and never feeling like all of the amazing content you learned.
you’ve completed everything on your to-do
list, then taking 18 credit hours is the way to 3. Never a dull moment
go! The average number of credit hours that You will never be bored or have nothing
college students take is 15. We always want to do if you take 18 credit hours. You will
to aim for above average, anyway. I’ve never constantly be reading, working on your
had a dull moment this semester with having laptop, studying and going to class. After
an 18 credit course load. Here are the main all, college is supposed to be busy. Nobody
reasons why I have enjoyed it so much: wants to have nothing going on or have
too much free time—that wouldn’t be the
1. Late nights full college experience. The more hours
Who wants to go to bed early anyway? If you take, the less free time you have,
you take 18 credit hours, that means a lot which means fewer dull moments.
more assignments, which means a lot more
due dates, which means late nights. Staying 4. Less time to worry about silly
up late means you won’t miss out on seeing and unimportant things
your friends post on social media while Cooking nutritious meals, exercising
they are out having fun or knowing when your body and spending time with family
basketball games or new TV episodes come and friends are things you don’t need to
out. Even if you can’t participate in these worry about making time for if you take 18
things because of everything you are working credit hours. Those things take planning,
on, you can still know they are happening. preparation and a lot of time. You can scratch
all of them off your long to-do list and not
2. More books worry about them if you take more classes.
We’ve always been told how important So, yes, taking 18 credit hours has many
reading is. Reading is great for building perks. I have experienced all of these first-
intelligence and creativity. Chances are that hand and have no regrets. If you would
with 18 credit hours, you will have many like to find out more about how many
books to read, which we know is good great reasons there are for taking more
for us. You can get all of your wonderful classes than average, I would encourage
reading material for the semester at high you to just do it. Sign up for more classes
prices, so you know the books are of next semester and join in on the fun!
excellent quality. Even when you finish
10 APRIL 5, 2022 NINERTIMESNINERTIMES.COM APRIL 5, 2022 11
DISCL AIMER : THIS IS A FAKE AD
THE WORDLE TODAY
DEAR NINER TIMES,
How do
i go Greek?
by Vasiliki Gkoulgkountina
IS SHAWL
CHECK BACK FOR TOMORROWS
Camp Halfblood Counselor
Hey, bestie! I’m a member of Boura Aigio Eleusis
(BAE) and have loved every second of it.
Joining was super easy, as I got grandfathered in due to my Greek heritage.
However, if you aren’t a fellow half-blood, here’s what the rush process is like.
First, you need to have read all the “Percy Jackson” books, preferably
during the ripe age of seventh grade. If you liked “Heroes of Olympus”
more, you’re done. Forget it. You also need to be a descendant of
Zeus; luckily, that includes 80% of the Greek population.
Once you get past the initial DNA screening, the initiation process is super
simple. All it entails is a simple medical procedure in which olive oil is injected
directly into your bloodstream. BAE values science, so if your blood and the
oil don’t mix, you can’t join. Blood is thicker than water, but not olive oil.
Assuming you survive the blood transfusion, there’s then a bit of hazing. Some
members find it extreme, but I passed with flying colors. First, you need to crush ten
thousand grapes with your feet and then drink all of your foot wine in one sitting.
After that, you have the easy task of slaying the hydra. Pro tip: forge your own sword
with the blood of those who failed the olive oil test; the hydra can’t stand them.
Then, you’re in. It’s easy enough.
We have chapter meetings 20 times a week, and only one absence is allowed
each semester. If you miss more than one meeting, you are immediately
sacrificed to Zeus. Luckily, every chapter is stocked with refreshments, including
pita and Greek yogurt. After all, you have to always eat with your sisters.
See you around girlie, ώπα!
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