Wilma & Rena (an Unconventional Rom Com) a stage play by Ben Vaserlan 2nd Edition - Flowpage | Get Started
←
→
Page content transcription
If your browser does not render page correctly, please read the page content below
Wilma
& Rena
(an Unconventional Rom Com)
a stage play by
Ben Vaserlan
2nd Edition
1RIGHTS:
This stage play was copyrighted (in 2015) with the US copyright
office i.e. www.copyright.gov thus:
Copyright © Ben Vaserlan, 2015
All Rights Reserved
2nd edition created 2021
If you wish to record a short section (i.e. 10 minutes or less) of a
stage-play performance/rehearsal in order to distribute it (e.g.
upload it to YouTube), please email me on vaysuhlan@gmail.com
to discuss which section you would like to record.
ROYALTIES:
None to pay. No need to pay for a license. I earn income from
sales of NEW copies of this print-on-demand playbook. I just
request that you mention in your playbills that the playbook is
available on lulu.com
If you would like to leave me feedback, email
vaysuhlan@gmail.com
TO MAKE PRODUCING THIS PLAY A LOT EASIER,
PLEASE SEE THE BACK OF THIS PLAYBOOK FOR
APPENDICES 1 & 2.
NB: BOTH CONTAIN SPOILERS.
AS YOU READ ALL OF THE ITALICIZED TEXT, YOU
WILL SEE THE STAGING AND SEE BENEATH THE
SURFACE OF THE DIALOGUE AND REALIZE WILMA AND
RENA ARE EACH WRITTEN WITH AN INNER LIFE. THE
AUDIENCE CAN’T READ THOSE ITALICS BUT THEY CAN
READ THE CHARACTER SUBTEXT VIA GOOD
MULTILAYERED ACTING.
2Speaking Characters
(in order of speaking)
[caveats/wrinkles in square brackets]
ACTS 1 - 3
‘Voice-Over Lady & Voice-Over Lady (On Stage)’ i.e. VOLOS
Rena Clefford, an Australian actress, attractive, blonde, busty, 40, white
Wilma Twindley, a Texan writer-director, brunette, 30, white
Lecherous Young Man, white, thin, Justin Bieber bowl hair, 21
‘Footnote Lady’ i.e. FNL [Acts 1 & 2], a talking asterisk
Benjamin David, a bald English writer-director, 32, white
Gordon Binette, a movie producer, French, handsome, 35
ACT 2
‘Zotavian’, fictional role, female, attractive, English Shakespearean accent
Veneta White [Act 2 & 3], attractive, non-busty, 30
Woman Eavesdropper, a business-suited woman
Reporter [woman], with hand microphone
Reporter [man], with hand microphone
Mary, white, an entertainment newscaster
Ted, white, an entertainment newscaster
Bob McKee, white, screenwriting guru, 60+
Peter Schiff, Jewish, stockbroker & Austrian School economist
Kathy Griffin, orange/white, comedienne, red-head, 40+
Female Interviewer, with hand microphone
ACT 3:
Awards Host, male
1st Woman Presenter
Vanessa Shellard, attractive, hugely busty (padding), white
Man Presenter
2nd Woman Presenter
“Fatsuit” Security Guard, big, overweight, 30+
“Eighties” Security Guard, big, fit, highlighted blond mullet, 50
3rd Woman Presenter
FORMAT KEY NUANCES
Ben3: [to audience]1 Are you sure that I (the writer) 2 have to explain this format?
[rethinking] Then again; it was unfamiliar to one or two folks.
1 = [italics] = italicized direction for thespian in square brackets.
2 = (text) = parenthetical i.e. part of dialogue.
3 = character cue.
Indented non-italic non-bold text = dialogue i.e. “through speech” i.e. character
talk4. Includes narratized dialogue e.g. a character talking to our audience.
VOLOS and Footnote Lady are categorized as characters so this includes them.
4 = See the book ‘Dialogue’ by the great Robert McKee for more.
3Act 1, VOLOS 1 (‘Scene 0’) (1/1)
ACT ONE
0: VOICE-OVER LADY (ON STAGE)
VOLOS walks on to center stage. She thus stands in front of stage
section 2 (Center Set).
VOICE-OVER LADY (ON STAGE): Hi, I’m the Voice-Over
Lady who will sometimes come out on stage to say the longer
bits. Here goes: this stage play is adapted from the
playwright's screenplay. And in that screenplay’s opening
scene, there is a close-shot of an iPhone display. [aside] Other
phones are available ... [cough] Samsung. [cough] [turn back to
pre-aside pose] [back on track] Sorry. In the next scene, the
phone will be thrust into a lecherous man's face. This is what
the creep will see.
She pulls the curtain down/across to reveal a painting of the phone
finger i.e. the ‘finger’ on an iPhone screen. A painting large
enough to be seen at the back of the audience ... even though they
should have got a playbill.
This painting is for those that didn't get a playbill. [realization]
I’ve got to go; they’re waiting to start. Bye for now. [with a
comically* deep voice, do an impression of Arnold
Schwarzenegger] ‘I’ll be back’.
* = if done well, a woman imitating Arnold is funnier than a man
doing it. VOLOS and Footnote Lady are definitely female parts
that shouldn’t be recast as male.
She walks off stage.
4Act 1, Scene 1 (1/5)
CENTER SET: CURTAIN UP
1: INT. BAR - NIGHT
It is the year 2015. Rena Clefford thrusts an iPhone into a young
man’s face, or (more accurately) one foot away from it.
Note: Because Rena refers to it later in this scene, the young creep
must be sporting Justin Bieber’s non-current bowl-shaped
hairstyle.
Wilma: What part of ‘bleep off’ don’t you understand?
Rena is wearing a sexy low-cut dress but it’s cleavage with class
i.e. not too much.
Wilma turns to Rena.
You’re right: that predictive bleep app is useful.
Rena: Always got your back, babe.
Wilma reacts. She is wearing a classy black dress.
[to creep] So in summary: anything a man could do for me, I
already do for myself including the one thing that they are good
for ... as that ... can be replaced by batteries every time.
The young man’s reaction of realization is slow.
Rena notices the couple at the next table are amused by her
“batteries” line and realizes they are watching her and Wilma’s
5Act 1, Scene 1 (2/5)
altercation with the creep. Rena takes the opportunity to debut the
next 3 paragraphs of her stand-up comedy act to the on-looking
couple at the next table.
Note: In the forthcoming (but don’t hold your breath) novel, the
couple are late middle-aged i.e. 55+. The man looks ex-military,
has a curly mustache and a blonde beehive-haired wife who is still
in good condition for her age. See Carol Royle at aged 58 for
example.
That’s batteries in the monster sized: Vibrato Throbber 2000
AKA ‘The Beast’.
The couple at the next table are amused.
A classic piece of kit. Ten out of ten gold stars in Good
Vibrations magazine. [realization] I tell a lie: actually the
rating was ten gold cocks.
The couple at the next table are amused.
Yes, I could have got the eco-friendly solar-powered 3000 but
it’s not the sort of thing I’d like to leave charging up on the
window sill ... especially when the relatives drop by ...
unannounced.
Slight amusement from the couple at the next table.
And even when I know guests are coming, it’s not something I
want to have to have on my checklist: “Take Throbber out of
window as the nephew’s coming round at 1:15 for lunch.”
6Act1, Scene 1 (3/5)
The couple at the next table are amused.
Lecherous Young Man: Gees - you milked that opportunity,
MILFy baby.
Wilma sniggers.
Rena (DOB May 2nd 1973) looks at Wilma, becomes annoyed (due
to the expression on Wilma’s face) then looks back at the creep.
Who’s stand-up routine did you lift that from?
Rena: My own.
Wilma coughs twice, politely.
Rena gestures to herself and Wilma.
Our own – she writes it. Inspired by our life experience. You
see, you’re not the first cockhead drongo to have cracked on to
us. But getting back to the here-and-now of you being an
‘incompetent suitor’ and putting all your other failings aside,
I’ll say this: you’re also rather young for me or in other words,
Bieber: I don’t do nappies. [correcting herself] ‘Diapers’, to
you. I don’t do them. [getting back on track] So you, and your
non-current Justin Bieber hairstyle, can bleep off! [realization]
No wait. Some free advice: think before you act. Something
along the lines of [does his voice] Maybe they don’t want some
scrawny piece of shi...
The young man really gets up in Rena’s face e.g. 6 inches away.
He also grabs Rena’s arm.
7Act 1, Scene 1 (4/5)
Lecherous Young Man: [interrupting] “Scrawny” – you witch!
Wilma’s reaction: fear and anger. Wilma hits him with three or
four Krav Maga moves.
The creep lies on the floor in agony.
Wilma: Never tread on a lady’s line, ass-hole. [to Rena] Are you
alright?
Rena: Yeah. [to young man] The “witch” part is a punishable
offense also.
Rena kicks him in his sexual organs.
He feels the pain of it.
Wilma: [to Rena] Next time say “hittable offense”.
Rena: Duly noted. [to young man] You shouldn’t have got up in
my face.
Lecherous Young Man: [in pain] I’m not scrawny; I’m “wiry”.
Wilma: Like Adrien Brody in Predators.
Lecherous Young Man: [in pain] Yeah - he's me.
Wilma reacts to that sentiment from the creep.
Wilma: Unfortunately, you’ve not got his looks ...
Rena’s reaction: “ouch” sucking intake of breath.
... nor his acting ability ... I imagine.
Out of hearing range, Wilma notices ...
8Act 1, Scene 1 (5/5)
... a scared looking female bar staff member behind the bar
whispering to a male older bar staff member. They are both
looking at Wilma. He then picks up the landline on the wall and
makes a call whilst looking at them with a concerned expression.
Wilma’s reaction: realization.
Wilma: [to Rena] Come on, TT, we’re out of here.
Rena: Don’t call me that!
Rena makes a noise of anguish then kicks the creep in the belly: a
kick with each word.
Rena: It ... really ... pisses ... me ... off.
Wilma: Sorry - forgot. Come on, Power Person. Quit the
unnecessary roughness – let’s go.
Rena: [exasperated] Do we have to?
Wilma: Yes. We need to go before the cops come. I’ve just lip-
read a bartender calling them. So move it!
Rena: Roger. Only one more.
She does one more right in the crotch. It’s a big one. The scene
ends on the man’s pained reaction.
CENTER SET: LIGHTING OFF
CENTER SET: CURTAIN DOWN
VOICE-OVER LADY (OVER P.A. SYSTEM): The
next scene has been placed in a queue. Please hold. Ready.
Later that night.
9Act 1, Scene 2 (1/2)
RIGHT SET*: CURTAIN UP
* = Each stage section is behind its own individual curtain
throughout the play.
2: INT. WILMA’S LOUNGE – NIGHT*
* = as can be inferred from the low lighting and from the black in
the ‘window’ (in/on the wall behind Wilma’s sofa) representing a
window view at night. Production note: if you’re being
economical with the budget, two paintings of a window should
suffice: one to represent day and one to represent night.
Just an option: if you want to get spoofy/‘metafictional’ (or
because your painted window doesn’t look good enough anyway),
you could put each painted window in a gold picture frame so that
it looks like what it is; a painting. Then you would hang the
picture frame to represent day then hang the one to represent
night. Or the picture frame could be double sided thus allowing
you to have ‘day’ on one side and ‘night’ on the other.
Wilma is asleep on the sofa: she tosses and turns. She is wearing
the same clothes she wore in the bar.
MALE VOICE (OVER P.A. SYSTEM): [electronically
distorted] Unable to regain control of her; she’s accessing more
temporal data, sir.
Wilma wakes up. From her side on the sofa, she picks up
her Samsung slate. She switches it on then types on the touch-
screen with 12 key strokes.
10Act 1, Scene 2 (2/2)
Wilma (piece to audience): [audience aside] [worried] You
didn’t see my passcode did you? Coz powerful opera glasses
are available these days. [dismisses the thought] Paranoia on
hold. [concerned] Sorry: I’m a little discombobulated by my
dream. Just give me a moment to ... recombobulate. [takes a
moment] I’ll tell you something: I keep hearing “The Socialist
Federation of Galaxies” in my dreams but I’m gonna call it
“The Liberal Federation” in my movie: “Vaserlan and The
Barduns”. [annoyed] Scratch that. I’ve got to be disciplined –
not undermine the dramatic level with self-indulgent facile
humor. I hate it when writers do that. [sighs] These dreams I
have are [trying to find the right words] ... amazing ...
disturbances. The most disconcerting thing is the logical
intricacy. Unbelievably intricate. I have a hard time believing I
have a genius in my unconscious. The single other alternative is
less likely: a link to ... [being realistic] It’s so ridiculous.
Forget what I said ... but ... The odd thing is, I see it when I
listen to The Prodigy: I imagine the immersive cyberspace
Federation Network; the Fed Net – almost “see” the
information. It’s like KDE to the power 10. Wow. [realization
then puts on a man’s deep voice] “I must go into the
Federation’s collective unconscious.” [normal – for her ;)] –
what the ... heck does that mean? [realization smile] I dunno
but it sounds cool dunnit. [gesturing us away] Now [get
pronounced “git”] get! – I need to add this to my screenplay.
RIGHT SET: LIGHTS DOWN
VOICE-OVER LADY (OVER P.A. SYSTEM): Later that day.
That’s technically right: Wilma was up in the wee hours and it’s
now late afternoon.
11Act 1, Scene 3 (1/5)
Stage note: turn the painted window to ‘day’.
Costume changes: Rena is now in her Sheila costume.
RIGHT SET: LIGHTS UP
3: INT. WILMA’S LOUNGE – DAY
Wilma and Rena are sat on the sofa in mid conversation.
Rena is wearing a Sheila costume which shows plenty of cleavage.
Warrior Maiden costume different enough so as not to infringe the
trademarked likeness of a certain 80s cartoon character that also
starts with ‘She’. I made-up ‘Sheila’.
Wilma is wearing eyeglasses in this scene.
Wilma: I’m not going near another X-ray nor MRI machine. I’ve
had two blow up on me already.
Rena reacts: skeptical but she lets it slide.
And if it happened again and the second hospital found out
about the previous two incidents at the first hospital, I reckon
the hypothetical second hospital could sue me for being a jinx.
[pause] Plus, I signed a confidentiality agreement with the first
hospital where the two incidents occurred. But Dario Nardi’s
EEG machine did work on me: he told me I had the flashiest
Christmas tree he’d ever seen i.e. that I gained the highest
transcontextual thinking score he’d ever recorded on his box of
tricks. [smiling] Rena, I don’t wanna keep discussing my
peculiarities.
12Act 1, Scene 3 (2/5)
Rena is amused.
Wilma sees the amusement in Rena’s face and takes it well.
Rena: [gently ribbing Wilma] You mean, peculiarities such as you
wearing the same thing as last night?
Wilma: I’m not gonna discuss the nuances of my dry cleaning
system again. [looks at Rena’s Sheila costume] Talking of
peculiarities, why are you wearing your Sheila costume (for
tonight) now? It’s 6 hours before you need to.
Rena: Mate, I’m an Ethical Sensory Extravert* - I have ‘comfort
sensing’ as my 2nd faculty. So I’m breaking-in the costume now
so I’ll feel comfortable tonight when I’m singing then doing the
[‘almost’ with a smile] almost overly elaborate stand-up
comedy routine you wrote for me.
* = it will help the playing of Rena if the actress playing her reads this profile:
http://www.wikisocion.net/en/index.php?title=ESE_Profile_by_Gulenko
And it will help if the actress playing Wilma reads this profile:
http://www.wikisocion.net/en/index.php?title=ILE_Profile_by_Gulenko and
also researches ‘Enneagram 7 wing 8’.
I suggest reading ‘The Enneagram Made Easy’. It is regarded by
many as an insightful and humorous book.
I also suggest reading the fun and easy to understand “What Type
am I?” by Renee Baron the co-writer of ‘The Enneagram Made
Easy’. ‘ILE’ is ‘ENTP’ and ‘ESE’ is ‘ESFJ’ in that book.
Wilma: [sighs and half joking] I wish I never got you
into socionics. Let’s get back to the movie.
13Act 1, Scene 3 (3/5)
Rena: Fine with me.
Wilma: Well, I’m now gonna call it “Vaserlan and the Barduns”.
I realize no decent female writer would have action sequences
in her work. But ... [defiant] ... Well, they’re gonna be in mine
coz I keep dreaming ’em. [realization] It’s Wednesday [to
Rena] - Woden’s day is weighing day.
Rena reacts: inside she feels an eye roll coming on but she
prevents it so as not to disrespect Wilma.
RIGHT SET: LIGHTS DOWN
Production note: whilst lights are off, have one set of weighing
scales put in front of Wilma and another set in front of Rena.
RIGHT SET: LIGHTS UP
Wilma and Rena are both stood on their own individual weighing
scales. They are looking down at the scales.
Rena: Your weight has gone up.
Wilma reacts: she now looks none too pleased.
Wilma: By one ounce. I am wearing my heavy eyeglasses.
Rena reacts.
What about your weight reading there ... on your own trusty
scale - about twenty pounds of that is coz of your two big
bulbous friends, ...
14Act 1, Scene 3 (4/5)
Wilma gets off her weighing scale, turns to Rena then puts her
hands under Rena’s bust and lifts it up and down twice.
Rena reacts: half annoyed, half sexually aroused. It’s the
latter that she tries to hide from Wilma.
... T.T.
Rena: Don’t call me that. [she gets off her scale] I wish I never
told you now. I told you I hated that nickname at school.
Wilma: [disbelieving] Yeah, it must have been terrible. [tries* to
do a teenage girl Australian accent] “Here she comes:
Titanic ...”
* = doesn’t have to be done well/badly. Up to actress and/or
director how well it is done.
A look from Rena stops Wilma from saying it.
Alright – may I call you [pronouncing as separate letters]
‘A.B.’ instead?
Rena: “A.B.”?
Wilma: Yeah: Adjustable Boobage – when you lose weight,
your ... [searching for the right phrasing] ... ‘pink balloons’,
there, ‘deflate’, and when you put it back on again, your pink
balloons ‘inflate’. So (via
dieting or stuffing your face) you can have whatever size boobs
you want (with no droop and both the same size) and still have a
nice slim figure. You know what you are?
Rena: No, what?
Wilma: [with a smile] A lucky witch that’s what.
15Act 1, Scene 3 (5/5)
Rena throws a sofa cushion at Wilma and they wrestle.
Rena: “Lucky?” – you gonna take that back?
With Rena on top of her, Wilma gets an eyeful of Rena’s cleavage
hanging over her. Wilma reacts to the cleavage. Wilma’s unsure
concern about what’s happening but then that’s swamped by a
funny line popping into her head.
Wilma: Hey, stop!
Rena stops.
I said nothing about having our very own personal Dub Dub E
“Divas Match”.
Wilma finds her phunny funny and thus the incident is interpreted
in Wilma’s mind in humorous rather than sexual terms.
Rena reacts: trying to hide her undeclared love for Wilma. Rena
covers up with a half-forced amused smile. She releases her hold
on Wilma.
RIGHT SET: CURTAIN DOWN
Out of sight, Wilma actress strips down to her underwear and
waits in the house-left wing in order to enter through the bedroom
door in a few minutes.
Each stage section is behind its own individual curtain.
16Act 1, VOLOS 2 (‘Scene 3A’) (1/2)
3A: VOICE-OVER LADY (ON STAGE)
VOLOS (carrying a very long pointing stick) walks on to left stage.
She thus stands in front of stage section 1 (Left Set).
A painting is unveiled in front of stage section 2 (Center Set). The
painting depicts two tubes of lube. What VOLOS says is printed on
the tubes is indeed printed on the tubes. She uses her very long
pointing stick to point to the text she is reading out.
VOICE-OVER LADY (ON STAGE): There are two tubes of
lubricant in the next scene. In the movie version, there is a
close shot of them. I’m here to tell you what the movie
audience will see printed on the tubes with the aid of that
painting and this pointy stick. [points to the tube on the left]
The first tube is branded “Super Lube”, [points to the tube on
the right] the second is ... “Clinton’s Lubricant”. [points to the
tube on the left] On the Super Lube tube is printed “No friction
burns or your money back”. [points to the tube on the right]
And under the BOGO ‘buy one get one ... free’ sticker, on
Clinton’s Lubricant, is the creepy endorsement “Good stuff” ...
by Hugh Heffner. [with comedic disgust] Ewwwww. The very
thought: a lubed up octogenarian. [pause: pulling herself
together] The ‘cut for time’ legal disclaimer on the back is
detailed in the forthcoming novel at the end of Chapter 12 i.e. in
a Chapter End-note. [pause] The next scene is back in Wilma’s
bedroom.
VOLOS exits the stage taking her long pointy stick with her.
The painting is covered/removed. Whatever works best on stage.
17Act 1, VOLOS 2 (‘Scene 3A’) (2/2) + Act 1, Scene 4 (1/7)
LEFT SET: CURTAIN UP
4: INT. WILMA’S BEDROOM – DAY*
* = have Wilma’s window painting set to ‘day’.
On the wall of Wilma’s bedroom, are two posters: one of Sarah
Palin and one of Judge Andrew P Napolitano AKA @judgenap on
Twitter.
Rena is sat on the bed.
Rena is wearing a skin-tight pink top with no cleavage. Printed
across her bust is “unavailable;” then beneath that is printed “run
along now”.
Rena talks to the audience.
Rena (piece to audience): Quite a bit has happened since you last
saw me: at the end of the aforementioned She-Ra standup
comedy routine ... I ... collapsed. Ménière's disease. Because I
was ill, Wilma didn’t want to go to the Doctor Who convention
without me but I persuaded her to go. Lucky for her because
she met Baldy Ben at the con. [composing herself] So ever
since that ‘cute-meet’, she’s been in the bathroom ... erm ...
‘waxing’. You also never saw Wilma putting Ben through a
“Values test” - a tough one. Wilma asked him to refute
Keynesianism and reconcile evolution with creationism. And
he was able to do it. Ben also recognizes a woman’s right to
carry a gun. And he thinks former Australian Prime Minister
John Howard (via his unconstitutional federal gun laws) is the
raper’s best friend.
18Act 1, Scene 4 (2/7)
Door opens. Wilma enters in her underwear.
Rena: [to Wilma] You were in there for ages.
Wilma: [feeling her sore crotch] A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s
gotta do.
Rena is briefly distracted by Wilma in just her bra and panties as
Wilma gets dressed.
Rena: [back on track] Now I can hear you properly, we can get
back on topic. I was about to tell you: I hate it when blokes do
that.
Wilma: What are you saying?
Rena: That I hope he didn’t come out with [spoof American man
voice] “rub it into your tits, babe, rub it into your tits ... like
Candy Charms, Kayla Kleevage or ... Comfy Cushions*”
* = made up name.
Wilma reacts.
Wilma: No; that wasn’t the meaning I was going for.
Rena: [sheepish] Oh. Forget what I said. I’ve no idea who those
chicks are that I ... said: [pause: hoping to get away with her
slip of the tongue] ... none at all.
Wilma: [interrupts] I meant ... something came up emotionally:
he dissed My Little Pony.
Rena reacts: ‘thinking back’: 10 years old (which is a bit
old but Rena was born in 1973 (NB: this story is set in 2013) and
they were released in ’83) playing with about 10 My Little Pony
toys (trademarked by Hasbro). Combing the pony toy’s mane with
19Act 1, Scene 4 (3/7)
a brush. Rena snaps out of the nostalgia.
Rena: [comical annoyance] Really? The beast. Are you sure this
bloke’s the one, Wilma?
Wilma: [amused] Yeah – Let me tell you how it went:
I played it real dominant up front so that I'd know if he was the
one.
Rena: [interrupting] The one who will do as he’s told?
Wilma: Well yes. Oh Rena, stop it. Y'know I need a man who
is ...
Rena: [interrupting] Totally obedient?
Wilma: Yes well, not just that.
Rena: [fearing he was good] What was he like in bed?
Wilma: Tremendous. Literally orgasmic.
Rena reacts: Fear but (just in time) she conceals that from Wilma
with a smile ... but her eyes still show the fear.
But of course I didn't let him know that.
Rena: You gave him a ... [coining a new term] ... reverse fake
orgasm?
Wilma: Yeah, I hid a real one.
Rena: What about all the orgasm type sounds?
Wilma: I just told him I felt a little stiff and tender from the gym
hence the oohh arrh. Though he might have become a bit
suspicious that he was doing the right thing.
Rena: Oh - why's that?
Wilma: Coz I squirted all over his face.
Wilma and Rena laugh.
Rena: Good on [not pronouncing the ‘ou’ part] you.
20Act 1, Scene 4 (4/7)
Amused, Wilma gets up and idles over to the waste paper basket.
Rena can’t take her eyes off Wilma.
Wilma: Y’know Rena, I never knew I was so sexy.
Rena reacts.
Wilma looks into the waste paper basket. It is full of paper and
other things. Wilma reacts. She goes through it.
[said whilst looking into bin i.e. not looking at Rena] I knew I
was super sexy but I will tell you something here that possibly
makes me the sexiest woman in the
world.
Rena’s reaction: she doesn’t disagree.
Wilma looking in the bin, reacts with disgust:
Ergghhhhhhh
Reveal: Wilma gets a used tissue stuck to her hand. Wilma tries to
shake it off.
Rena’s reaction: amusement.
Wilma after a lot of effort, she manages to shake off the tissue.
Wilma’s sigh of relief. Looks at Rena.
Rena’s reaction: amused. Smiles back at Wilma.
21Act 1, Scene 4 (5/7)
Wilma smiles back at Rena then continues to still go though the
waste paper basket. Wilma takes two objects out of the bin.
Wilma turns to look at Rena.
Brace yourself ... - I made Benji boy BLEEP four times in a
row.
Rena reacts.
[pause - to amuse Rena] And in the process, ...
Wilma stands up ...
... we got through
... then like a pistol-packing cowgirl, draws (towards Rena) two
empty tubes of lubricant. The tubes are quite small. Two tubes of
lubricant come into view. One in each of Wilma’s hands.
... two tubes of lube.
Both of them are amused.
Wilma throws both tubes to Rena.
Rena catches one in her left hand on the other in the right at the
same time. She looks at the tubes.
Rena: Really?
Rena’s look up towards Wilma.
22Act 1, Scene 4 (6/7)
– Ben’s a ... ‘two tuber’?
Wilma: [smiling + amused] That’s what I said.
Both laugh.
Rena: Y’know, these tubes are not exactly king size, Wilma.
They’re more ... fun size.
Wilma: Then that’s lucky for you - else you wouldn’t have been
able to coin the epithet “two-tuber” just now.
Both are amused.
Rena: [amused with herself] I’ve another ... “Y’know” for you.
Wilma: Go on then, catch me out.
Rena: Y’know, you only needed to toss me one tube.
Wilma: [conceding the point] What can I say: I was in the
moment.
Wilma and Rena share the moment: mutually amused. They then
look into each other’s eyes.
Wilma looks away.
[pause - changing track] Now, let me tell you something: I
know Ben’s hard all day [to amuse Rena] – the darn pervert.
Rena is doubly amused: by the ‘pervert’ bit and the ‘darn’ bit. But
then Rena’s second reaction: the God-fearing ‘darn’ equivalent of
‘damn’ reminding her how Christian Wilma is.
[full of herself] But, it’s me making him hard. He lasted over
an hour before he ... [to amuse Rena, she puts on comical
23Act 1, Scene 4 (7/7)
sadness] ... wilted.
Rena is amused and impressed.
Wilma pours herself a drink during:
Rena (audience aside): Over an hour? – Perhaps I need to
re-evaluate. [determined] No. Ben is not the one.
Rena: [back to Wilma] Yes, but how do you really know he’s the
one? How do you know he’s not only in it for the sex? The hot
woman’s curse.
Wilma: [upset] “Hot woman’s curse”? What kind of shitty slick
thing is that to say to a friend? You’re always doing this. You
said a similar thing about the last guy. Just coz you can’t find
Mister Right.
Wilma realizes she may have gone too far.
Rena is torn but she manages to keep it contained.
Rena: It’s not that.
Wilma believes she is cognizant of Rena’s troubles.
LEFT SET CURTAIN DOWN
The curtain falls so the actress playing Rena can change into her
Power Person costume for the next scene.
24Act 1, FNL 1 (‘Scene 4A’) (1/3)
4A: FOOTNOTE LADY
Footnote Lady (dressed as an asterisk*) walks on in a black
dressing gown and takes center stage and stands in front of a black
curtain. The sleeves are long enough to cover her hands (which
they should) and the ‘collar’ is high enough to cover her neck
(which it should).
* = Her ‘head’ is a white asterisk i.e. a whitened face within an
asterisk shaped head dress. This is to give the impression that the
actress is a talking asterisk with a face in the middle. It should
look a little bit like the “man in the moon” where a face is blended
into the moon shape, but instead it’s a lady’s whitened face
blended into a white asterisk shape.
She tries to stick a 6 inch wide white asterisk sticker onto
something but there is nothing to stick it onto. She reluctantly puts
the sticker into her pocket.
FOOTNOTE LADY: Hi, I’m footnote. Some call me
“indulgence” but I prefer “Footnote”. This gig is much better
than what I’m used to which is being squashed in a book and
hardly ever seeing the light of day ... or reading lamp. In the
next scene, Rena is wearing a Power Person costume. Here is
some filler ... [correcting herself] ... ‘info’ ... on this curvy
crusader. Power Person is Hyperbloke’s cousin. And she’s also
the bustier and better “Earth B” (i.e. parallel universe) grown-up
version of the “Earth A”: Hyper Lass. That’s the rationale the
comic-book artist used when she drew PP with bigger cups.
That and the artist wanted to shift more issues off the comic-
book shelves.
25Act 1, FNL 1 (‘Scene 4A’) (2/3)
Footnote Lady takes off her black dressing gown (but does not
change her asterisk face) to reveal her costume. Its description in
next scene. In short: yellow high leg one piece swimsuit.
[pause: gestures to her costume] Look at this costume of Power
Person’s. Look at the plastic boots and yellow fetishist mask
which I should be wearing but can’t because I can’t find one big
enough … [annoyed and a bit embarrassed] to fit my big
asterisk head. [pause] And not that you can see it from where
you are, but these Power Person boots also have a tremendously
grippy tread ... and even a compass in the heel. [coming clean]
OK, I lied about that last bit: no compass. And I lied about the
boots, PP doesn’t wear boots as good as these. She just wears
the shoes of her day job: auto-heels. That’s right: they switch
between practical flats and sexy heels.
She makes a gesture of annoyance (the sort that ends with a
clenched fist) with her right arm.
Darn it – would have been a nice touch. [pause] Now on to the
main reason for this footnote, apart from giving the thesps
enough time to ... [realization] ... forget I said that. [forced
smile] The main reason for me being here is to talk about this
“controversial” costume and the various reasons for ... [gestures
towards it] ... this ‘cleavage’. Let’s start with that she could
need the low neckline to air out her big ... sweaty ... rubbing
against each other ... boobs. B T Dub, I think her big cleavage
looks like two bald men down there butting heads. The
Mitchell brothers? [reacts to audience] Reference too old?
Anyhow, back on track: the thing is that sweaty excuse only
works when it’s hot. [pause] One of the better explanations
(and that’s not difficult) is that it's a test to sort the gents from
26Act 1, FNL 1 (‘Scene 4A’) (3/3)
the creeps because gentlemen glance not stare. Another reason
is that it distracts her opponents. However, I believe this
simpler explanation is even better: Power Person is a woman
and a lot of women like to look attractive - even when it’s
inappropriate to do so e.g. a smart female hospital doctor should
know that cleavage is for off-duty not whilst making rounds.
[realization] Oh dear, I don’t have one but if I had a dad, a
father footnote, I reckon I’d be sounding like him right now re
appropriate wear. [embarrassed] I better move on. [pause] So
in a nutshell, Power Person is criticized for showing some
cleavage but few ask the more pressing question: “Why does
Superman wear his underpants on the outside?” [pause for
expected audience laugh] Yet again, it’s a woman (Power
Person) who is the victim of a double standard. [pause] Here’s
a politically packed paragraph for you: as well as treating girls
like slaves by preventing them from learning to read and forcing
them into unpaid labor, the Taliban also objects to cleavage.
[pause] So that’s the best reason for the window as far as I’m
concerned: a big “BLEEP you!” to the Taliban - or any other
group informed by the same “ideology” to use the polite word
for it. Here’s a pointed rhetorical question to end this footnote
on: do you think they’d be less de facto female slavery in
‘Country X’ if each member of the “weaker” sex were packin’
an equalizing gun? [pause] I lied: I do have a bit more. It’s
best summed up by quoting Wilma. [as Wilma i.e. in her
accent] “I'll hand in my Glock when men hand in their cocks.
On 2nd thought; not even then. Good line, though.” [as
herself] The next scene is after this bottom line: not all women
can be as safe as Power Person and that is why they should be
packin’ ... the ultimate female empowerment.
Footnote Lady walks off stage.
27Act 1, Scene 5 (1/6)
RIGHT SET CURTAIN UP:
5: INT. WILMA’S LOUNGE – DAY*
* = window painting turned to ‘day’.
Wilma: [on her mobile phone] Bye.
Wilma (wears new clothes i.e. the audience has not seen Wilma in
these clothes before) is sat on the middle of the sofa flanked by Ben
(wearing his red Ludwig von Mises T-shirt) to her right and Rena
to her left.
Rena is dressed in a Power Person costume - a character name I
made-up to avoid legal action. Along with the aforementioned
Hyper Lass and Hyperbloke, Power Person is not yet a “word
mark” listed in the United States Patent and Trademark Office.
The following costume description is given to partly make sure the
costume you design is consistent with what Footnote Lady said:
(1) Plastic yellow mask: Eye and mouth holes large enough to see
Rena’s facial expressions.
(2) Flat shoes.
(3) Torso/top: to make costuming easier, use a yellow high leg one
piece swimsuit but one which could show cleavage (given a bust
like Rena’s) so it is consistent with what Footnote Lady recently
said. Realism: this costume can be hidden under street clothes.
Rena is also wearing her hair up like Power Person’s alias:
Anthea Bland.
28Act 1, Scene 5 (2/6)
Note from author:
I’ll take advantage of the space here due to reformatting in the
second edition.
Watch out for the sketch stage-show (revue) called “Ben
Vaserlan’s Comedy Troop” which climaxes with the stage version
of a pilot for the sitcom “Wilma’s Housemates”. Many of the
sketch characters will be regular characters in the sitcom: Rena,
Wilma, Jay, Tamsy, Anna, Kur, Tel, and Susan.
The sitcom will hopefully be born from the stage-show if the people
who like the stage-show spread the word. Grass roots, people.
Grass roots.
[as she, Wilma, ends the call and puts her mobile in her
handbag] [sighing] I have to pick something up from the post
office and pay the d... darn import tax.
Wilma stands up from the sofa. She turns to face Rena
and Ben.
[elaborating] New zero tolerance policy: if I don’t pay today,
they’ll be impounded.
Ben: “They’ll”? What are they?
Wilma: Region 2 X-Bomber DVDs.
Ben: Yeah – you better go. This is Star Fleet we’re talking about
here.
Wilma: [angry] I told you not to call it that! It has nothing to do
with that Utopian liberal socialist Star Trek nonsense! ... so it
shouldn’t be called Star Fleet.
Ben: Old habits die hard. It was called Star Fleet back in the UK.
29Act 1, Scene 5 (3/6)
Wilma: [annoyed] You’ve said. [sighs] Enough of this. I’ve got
to get going. I’ve got to pick up the [deliberate emphasis] X-
Bomber DVDs before the post office closes. [half a contained
smile] I’m sure you and Rena will be able to kill an hour ‘til I
get back.
Rena’s reaction.
[realization] In fact, ... [giving an order] Ben, I’ve got a little
task for you: while I’m gone, I want you to allay Rena’s fears
over ending the Federal Reserve.
Ben’s reaction.
Ben: OK.
Ben looks at Rena’s yellow-masked face.
Rena contains her amused reaction.
Wilma leaves.
LIGHTS DOWN* ON RIGHT SET:
* = the set is in as much darkness as is practical.
VOICE-OVER LADY (OVER P.A. SYSTEM): 10 minutes
later.
LIGHTS UP ON RIGHT SET
Ben and Rena are both sat on the sofa in the middle of a chat.
30Act 1, Scene 5 (4/6)
Rena puts her right index finger to Ben’s lips.
Rena: ... Enough, I get it. I subscribe to his Schiff Report
YouTube channel, remember.
Rena comes on comically strong to Ben. She puts her hand in his
groin and feels his crotch.
Ben: Whoa!
Ben gets up from the sofa startled.
Rena follows. Rena has Ben up against the wall. She puts his
hands on her bust.
What are you doing? Let go of me.
Rena: [incredulous] I know you want to. For instance, are you
really using all your manly strength to tear your hands away
from my girls?
Ben manages to pull them away.
Ben: I didn’t want to be too rough.
Rena: Rough? What like this?
Rena tares Ben’s T-shirt off!
Ben: [shocked] That’s my best von Mises T-shirt.
Rena’s positive reaction to Ben’s toned body.
31Act 1, Scene 5 (5/6)
Ben: Yes, I work out 3 times a week. Bloody knackering.
Rena: [amused] I know you find me attractive: you have a hard
on.
Ben: [comically protesting] No I don’t.
Rena grabs his crotch.
Yes, ok: I have. You’re well hot ... attractive ... but ...
Rena: But?
Ben: I’m with Wilma – she’s amazing.
Rena gives him a mean look.
I’m sure you’re amazing too ... and under different
circumstances ... I would gladly let you ravish me. It’s the sort
of thing I fantasize about. Hell – it’s the sort of thing I’d put in
one of my scripts: a good ravishing. But I’m with Wilma and
that’s that. And I don’t want to blow it.
Rena: [disappointed] Fine. [forces a smile] I hope you and
Wilma will be very happy together.
Ben: By the way, I’ve been wanting to ask but was afraid to. Why
are you dressed like that ... as Power Person?
Rena: [reciting her planned excuse but not too obviously]
I'm about to go on a mission to beat up some baddies, bring
down the federal government for Wilma ... oh and I’ve got to
threaten to castrate that mustachioed lecherous but non-hairy
Roger Moore look-a-like: Toxvar, with a very hungry and very
very [“snappy” hand gesture] snappy ... crocodile. [pause :
feigned annoyance] Why do you think I'm dressed like this?
[pause: lying] I'm going...... to a fancy-dress party later on.
[more lying] It’s not for your benefit.
32Act 1, Scene 5 (6/6) + Act 1, Scene 6 (1/2)
Ben: [believing her] I suppose that makes sense.
Rena’s reaction: she hides her inner struggle from Ben but not
from those in the audience with powerful opera glasses or front
row seats. No need to overact for those at the back.
RIGHT SET CURTAIN DOWN
Behind the curtain: Ben actor puts a blue (actually, any color as
long as it’s not red) von Mises T-shirt on.
Wilma actress enters and sits on the sofa with Ben actor.
Rena actress leaves then (off-stage during the next scene) gets her
Silver Suit (some very nice ones are sold on Amazon) on for the
(Act 1, Scene 7) meeting with Gordon Binette.
VOICE-OVER LADY (OVER P.A. SYSTEM): Two hours later.
RIGHT SET CURTAIN UP
6: INT. WILMA’S LOUNGE – DAY*
* = window painting turned to ‘day’.
Wilma and Ben are sat on the sofa in mid conversation. To
reiterate, Ben is wearing his non-red von Mises T-shirt.
Ben: You gave me a ... Rena-resistance test? [feigns comic
disappointment] I knew it was too good to be true.
Wilma throws a cushion at Ben.
33Act 1, Scene 6 (2/2) + Act 1, VOLOS 3 (‘Scene 6A’) (1/3)
Wilma: Hey – you already have a ‘too good to be true’
girlfriend ... in me.
Ben: Sorry – joke.
Wilma: Anyhow, how come you aint ticked at being tested?
Ben: [smiling] Because I passed. Passed with an A+ distinction.
Wilma is amused.
Wilma: Now you get to read my screenplay.
Ben: [happy] I hope it’s good.
Wilma’s reaction.
[off Wilma’s stern reaction] I mean, erm, well. [pause] I’m
sorry. [pause - clarifying] You wrote it ... so it has to be good.
Wilma’s reaction: apology accepted but still slightly annoyed.
Wilma: Yes and I’m expecting the studio to call any day now.
RIGHT SET CURTAIN DOWN
Behind the curtain: Time for the Wilma actress to change into her
business suit which is like the jacket and skirt worn by Governor
Sarah Palin in her 2008 Vice Presidential candidate debate
against Joe Biden. NB: For legal reasons, it should not be
identical; just in the same vein.
6A: VOICE-OVER LADY (ON STAGE)
VOLOS (Voice-Over Lady On Stage) walks onto stage with script
in hand.
34Act 1, VOLOS 3 (‘Scene 6A’) (2/3)
VOICE-OVER LADY (ON STAGE): This isn’t the movie script.
It’s my script. The writer doesn’t want me to get any of the
nerdy details wrong. I’ll be quick but not too quick. Wilma has
to get changed for the next scene. [realization] Forget I said
that. Concentrate on this instead: [reads from her script] “In
order to help sell her screenplay, Wilma has come up with three
[not witty in her opinion] ‘witty’ Hitch-hiker’s Guide to the
Galaxy style animated Guide Entries to outline the 3 various
factions in her story: The Barduns who have the ultimate
biology, The Socialist Federation of Galaxies who have the
ultimate technology, and the Godlike shape-changing energy
beings known as The Unknowns who have a monopoly on time
travel, the laws of time, and immortality. The ‘laws of time’ bit
means no easy ending.”
VOLOS lowers her script down to thigh level to give a clear
indication she is no longer reading from it.
[reacts to what she’s read out] What a load of [stopping herself
from being vulgar] ... ‘nerdy’. I’m off. [realization] Sorry,
forgot. The next scene is a week later in the office of ...
[thought on him makes her smile and flushed] gorgeous Gordon
[does the French pronunciation] Binette, the movie producer.
[to and eye contacting the women in our audience] Ladies, he’s
real Magic Wand material. [explaining] The Hitachi Magic
Wand ... erm ... ‘Muscle Massager’ – it puts the “ahhh” in
Hitaaaaaaachi. [realization] Sorry. Gotta get back on the
Wand [greater realization] ... back on ‘track’. [panics; says it
quickly & points to the left curtain] ‘A week later in Gordon’s
office’.
She runs off stage.
35Act 1, VOLOS 3 (‘Scene 6A’) (3/3) + Act 1, Scene 7 (1/7)
The curtain rises. As it does ...
I can’t believe I said that.
LEFT SET CURTAIN UP:
7: INT. GORDON’S OFFICE – DAY*
* = Gordon’s window painting is turned to ‘day’.
It’s a minimalist office: landline phone on the desk which also has
a plugged-in laptop on it. On the floor (near the desk), are a waste
paper basket and 2 chairs (one in front, the other behind the desk).
Near the office door, there is a coat rack with a lady’s raincoat on
it. The coat is dry.
Standing up, Wilma wears a jacket and skirt that closely resembles
those two items worn by Sarah Palin in her 2008 Vice Presidential
Nominee Debate against Joe Biden. Wilma’s shoes are also a
close match to Sarah’s in that debate. Wilma is not wearing the
same hair but she is wearing eyeglasses. Good glasses.
Standing up, Rena is wearing the one-piece silver bathing suit*
that is like the one Nell McAndrew wore in the June 2001 UK
edition of FHM magazine. Rena is also wearing silver running
shoes. FYI: Nell did not wear such shoes.
* = There are inexpensive silver catsuit on amazon.com (and/or
amazon.co.uk) as a second choice.
36Act 1, Scene 7 (2/7)
Although it doesn’t have a competitor number on it, it looks like
the sort of thing a publicity-savvy female sprinter could wear. In a
nutshell: it looks “spacey” [i.e. cosmic-y] and practical, and is
thus better than Jeri Ryan’s silver Seven of Nine costume worn
with unmotivated heels.
Rena is wearing her hair in a ponytail. She is wearing a hair-tie
on her ponytail i.e. not like Lara Croft’s braid.
Sat at the desk, the suited Gordon is on the landline phone.
Gordon: [into the landline phone] [’Allo ’Allo strong but clear
French accent] I see the caterpillar has turned. [pause while
listens] Don’t correct my English idioms – you don’t want to
be on the ... delivery end of a racially-based law jacket, do you?
Wilma and Rena exchange glances re Gordon’s behavior.
[listens] Don’t whimper – I know you have a wife and children.
I will call you tomorrow.
Wilma considers Gordon’s behavior for a moment before putting it
to one side and thinking ‘showtime’. She then ambles over to
Gordon who is sat at his desk looking at a laptop computer. She
goes behind the desk with him. She is very comfortable with the
close contact but doesn’t over-do it.
Gordon is not one bit intimidated. He’s quite happy with their
manner.
Wilma gestures to Rena.
37Act 1, Scene 7 (3/7)
Wilma: [to Gordon] [already knowing the answer] So you like
Rena in her character’s cosmic fighting costume?
Gordon: [whilst looking at Rena] I will admit that yes I do.
His eyes move quickly back to Wilma because his eyes are more
taken with her than Rena.
From the behind the desk stood next to Gordon, Wilma gestures to
the laptop screen.
Wilma: What’s more, you’ve seen the Federation’s fully
immersive cyberspace Fednet ... and I think ... it’s left an
impression. Maybe even quite a one.
Gordon: [looking at the laptop] It looks a bit like KDE to the
power of ten.
Wilma: [smiling] I was about to say that, myself. Now this ...
[presses a button on the laptop’s keyboard] ... is the collective
unconscious: the unconscious of the Fednet. The real hell that
the Federation citizens live in. [not really asking a question]
Whose art better connects to the collective unconscious than the
greatest surrealist ever: H.R. [prn: ‘Geeger’ – from horse’s
mouth] Giger. May his soul rest in peace. I already have a
relationship with his estate. [eyeing Gordon & with pride]
People skills.
After a look of realization, Wilma goes into her handbag ...
Postcards from [prn: Geeger] Giger-land.
... and takes out 50 postcard sized HG Giger pictures. She spreads
a few of them on Gordon’s desk leaving the rest in a neat pile. She
gestures to the pictures.
38Act 1, Scene 7 (4/7)
Gordon picks one up and looks at it.
Gordon: I am familiar with his work. [looks at Wilma’s face]
And it is nice to hear an American pronounce his name
properly.
Rena barely hides her negative reaction to Gordon’s
condescension then looks at Wilma for her reaction.
Wilma acknowledges his half compliment but her focus is on
selling her screenplay rather than judging Gordon.
Wilma: His designs in other movies have been criticized
for lack of realism but (in our movie) that doesn’t matter
because the collective unconscious doesn’t follow realism. This
is the sort of stuff that will be there. [points to the pictures]
That type of art doesn’t make sense in a realist setting but the
collective unconscious isn’t real in a corporeal sense; it’s a
nightmare. It will blow folks’ minds. We’ll use other designers
(alive ones) for the Federation and Barduns. Here are the two
guide entries I’ve done on them. Barduns first.
Gestures towards the laptop on Gordon’s desk.
LIGHTS DOWN* ON LEFT SET
* = the set is in as much darkness as possible.
VOICE-OVER LADY: Dishy Gordon watches Wilma’s hour
long presentation in full. Then ...
LIGHTS UP ON LEFT SET
39Act 1, Scene 7 (5/7)
Gordon: [with a smile] It’s good your dialogue is more focused
than the way you speak.
Rena barely contains her negative reaction to Gordon.
Wilma: Well of course. I’m just a real person. I speak like a real
person. Like Sarah Palin; [proud of the fact] I’m authentic.
Gordon’s shocked reaction.
Wilma is amused by his reaction.
[amused] This is freshly minted thought you’re getting here.
This is natural wit.
Gordon: [amused] No kidding. [considering] You like to brush
your own teeth, don’t you.
Wilma reacts.
Wilma: [not a question] If I don’t, who will. To get anywhere in
this life, people need to self-promote ... but just with the truth.
Gordon: We French have a similar attitude.
Wilma: [with a smile] I’ve noticed that. But getting back on
point, what I deal in is subtext. And untext. Untext being -
Gordon: [interrupting] I know what untext is, Wilma. Untext is
to the text (and subtext) what the unconscious is to the
conscious. The untext is authored where as the ‘read-in text’
which sits below it, isn’t. I've had my fill of film theory. The
studio made my go on some boring Robert McKee film course.
Look. After reading your script Wilma, I can see that Vaserlan
and The Barduns will do bustergangs at the box-office. You
40Act 1, Scene 7 (6/7)
have a great visual imagination and I’m taking a big risk on you
directing it. You have lots of action sequences and it’s a sexy
and funny screenplay. Especially with your friend here playing
Vaserlan. [to Rena] You have good comic timing and the exact
right look for this town.
Rena: [joking] [gestures to her bust] Also, I suppose my rack
helps.
Wilma: [jokingly to Rena] It’s more of a balcony you could do
Shakespeare off of.
Rena: [amused] I know. I have the “Don’t stare at my balcony”
T-shirt, remember?
Wilma: Oh yes: [amused, to him] Rena has quality
quantities.
Gordon: Ladies, please. The movie. I am about to sum up: ...
[gestures to Rena] the studio head needs a screen-test from you,
Rena, [gestures to Wilma] and an animatic of every shot from
you, Wilma.
Wilma: I like folks who challenge me. Nothing patronizing in a
challenge.
Gordon: I like your attitude.
Wilma: It's all about giving you ... [subtly flirting] ... what you
want … and more.
Rena notices Wilma’s flirting with Gordon.
What would you say if I told you that I've already done and
copyrighted the animatic?
Gordon: I would say that makes you already better than most
directors ... if it's good.
Wilma: Failure to prepare is preparing to fail ... and I don't like to
fail, Gordon. The animatic is included in the USB stick. If you
have a look now you can see if my confidence is justified.
41Act 1, Scene 7 (7/7) + Act 1, Scene 8 (1/5)
Gordon uses his laptop. He looks up at Rena.
Gordon: [to Rena] You can put your raincoat back on now.
Rena acknowledges him.
His eyes go back to the laptop.
Rena moves towards her coat.
LEFT SET CURTAIN DOWN
VOICE-OVER LADY (OVER P.A. SYSTEM): Months of
pre-production later*, Wilma is at home having just come back
from another high-powered studio meeting.
* = Thus why Wilma is in her Sarah Palin VP 2008 debate
costume again.
RIGHT SET CURTAIN UP
8: INT. WILMA’S LOUNGE – DAY*
* = make sure the window painting is turned to ‘day’.
Behind the curtain: from the start of this scene, redress LEFT set
as Ben’s bedroom. Remove desk, turn window painting to ‘night’,
add bed, and (if you can afford an artist to draw one) add a Power
Person poster to Ben’s wall.
Wilma is standing.
42Act 1, Scene 8 (2/5)
Ben is sat on the sofa wearing jeans and his non-red von Mises T-
shirt.
Wilma: Your get-up-and-go has got up and gone – you have less
energy and drive than a senior on weed.
Ben: What about your ...
Wilma: [interrupting] My weed? It doesn’t slow me down. My
marijuana is purely medicinal – how else is a constitutional
conservative gonna cope in Hollywood surrounded by all these
liberal fools? Without weed, their Keynesianism and
unconstitutional views would make my head explode.
Yesterday, it took me 8 joints to calm down after someone (who
obviously never read Federalist Paper 41 in her life) stupidly*
cited the powerless “general welfare clause” as an enumerated
power. I became more [cleaning up her language] indignant
about it than Madison in said Paper 41.
* = What seems like writer-directorial infringement of the
thespian’s delivery is actually a piece of character comedy: the
underline being Wilma’s comical strength of feeling on this
constitutional matter.
Ben: Really?
Wilma: Yes! Really. Then, this liberal fool proceeded to criticize
Sarah Palin and her Austrian School economics. I was
infuriated! So I decked her then ran away. So that lead to the 8
joints ... and I had to reach for the extra strong strains.
[annoyed] I’ve got none left now. [pause] The point, Ben, is
that I’ve had enough. I’m not putting up with it anymore. And
you’re part of that. I’m in the mood to deliver a few home
truths. You’re a slacker – no true conservative is a slacker.
43Act 1, Scene 8 (3/5)
Ben reacts. Wilma’s remark hurts him. Part of him agrees with
her. Another part is in denial about his lack of self-discipline.
And another thing: you wearing two pairs of underpants at the
same time does not speak well of your confidence level. The
US is not a two pairs of underpants type of country. We’re
bold.
Ben: There’s no need to bring that up. [considering] I know what
the problem is: you’re not angry at me; your angry at
yourself: ... deep down you know you’re selling out by letting
them lobotomize the intelligence from your script. You’ve
written soliloquies in there better than Shakespeare but you’re
willing to sacrifice them on the altar of success. You’re selling
yourself short.
Wilma: You really love playing the ‘artistic integrity’ martyr –
you will never be successful, Ben, coz deep down you don’t
want to be. You think you’re too good and too smart for the
industry. So every time you can’t sell; every time one of your
scripts is rejected, you see that as a vindication of your genius.
Yet again, too smart to sell. They can’t [does an impression of
him and his English accent] “comprehend the levels” [back to
her Texan accent] upon which you work. Just sit there and
wallow in your genius while I get out there and actually make a
successful career for myself. I bet that’s it, isn’t it? That I’m
successful and you’re not. That’s what it comes down to in the
end. After all, you are an envious Enneagram Type Four.
Originality above all else. Your greatest fear is ... being
ordinary. Even being an ordinary success is not good enough.
Ben reacts. Though hurting, the truth is starting to dawn on him.
A truth part of him already knew but he reframed/rationalized it
away and pushed to the back of his mind; blaming his AD-HD.
44Act 1, Scene 8 (4/5)
All you do is talk a good game – you’re all hat and no cattle -
you’re just a lazy loser.
Ben reacts. This one really stings him.
I think it’s time for you to leave.
Wilma gestures towards the door.
Ben reacts. He seems in a bit of daze from all the home truths.
Ben: [in shock] OK.
Ben gets up from the sofa then walks over towards the door.
Wilma follows.
Ben opens the door.
Wilma: You have your own apartment.
Ben turns to Wilma.
Give me a call when you’ve actually sold a script. Tough love,
Ben. Tough love. You need this if there’s ever gonna be a
“we” again. You need to fulfill your potential and prove you’re
not just a lazy loser. So for the time being ... BLEEP off.
Ben reacts then steps through the open doorway. He is now behind the
curtained off Far Right Set Area and thus our audience cannot see him.
Wilma shuts the door on him.
45You can also read
