A time to grieve, a time to grow
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1
a time to grieve,
By Susan Gottshall Brandell
a time
KidsPeace Student Assistance Program
helps school children mourn, move on
to grow
Reprinted from the Spring/Summer ‘98 Issue of
A publication of KidsPeace
In times of crisis, call: 1-800-8KID-123 • E-mail: admissions@kidspeace.org or visit our Web site at www.kidspeace.orgHEALING 2
How children grieve process that helps children see that
“it’s okay to move on and devote new
Because children lack the life experi-
energy to other relationships” with
ence that teaches stress-coping skills
“All grief must not be family and friends.
and, in the case of younger kids, the
thought of as being awful or cognitive skills that enable the verbal- Death in the school community
ization of feelings, they can be particu-
destructive. The world would The death of a student or teacher in a
larly vulnerable to grief. And because
school community can send hundreds
be worse without it. If no children often don’t express their grief
of children into shock and varying
in ways that adults recognize, their
person’s life were significant degrees of grief, dependent upon each
pain can be overlooked. A mental
individual’s relationship with the
enough to cause weeping health professional can help identify
grief in children and
and if the measure of our start that natural
years on earth were nothing, healing process.
then we would not be ‘real’ For children who lose
a parent through
human beings. Profound death, professional
grief is preceded by deep love guidance can prove
especially valuable.
which gives life meaning.” Often afraid to talk to
the surviving parent
Roberta Beckmann
because they don’t
“Children Who Grieve: A Manual for
want to upset him or
Conducting Support Groups”
her, children “take
care of” that parent
by “stuffing” their
feelings – that is,
EW PEOPLE consider burying them deep
F grief constructive. But
just as sleep relieves
fatigue and food relieves hunger, grief
relieves the pain of final separation
inside where they
will fester and remain
a potential source of
later problems.
in death. The process of grieving –
At the KidsPeace
a natural emotional response to loss –
Child and Family
is “nature’s way of healing a broken
Guidance Center in
heart,” writes Roberta Beckmann in
Allentown,
“Children Who Grieve: A Manual for Puppets can help a young child
Pennsylvania, more than a dozen thera-
Conducting Support Groups”. express grief feelings.
pists and mental health professionals
Even though a process is a natural one, use a variety of techniques through
however, its course does not always individual and family counseling and a
come naturally. A broken limb can heal Student Assistance Program to help
on its own, but a cast assures that it children externalize their feelings about
heals straight. A laceration will heal on the death of someone significant in
deceased. When student assistance
its own, but cleansing and antibiotic their lives. Facing those painful feelings
professionals – school-based educators
creams can prevent infection. So some- by talking about them, dealing with
trained to identify student problems
one stricken with grief can struggle them, enables grieving children to
that affect learning – recognize that a
through the pain alone, but often guid- move toward acceptance of the death
school population is struggling with
ance from a mental health professional so they can look toward the future.
grief that the school’s resources cannot
can facilitate resolution and integration
“You want them to feel bad,” handle, KidsPeace mental health
of the deceased’s memory into the
says psychologist Dr. Jannice Bailey, professionals stand ready to provide
individual’s life experience.
because that’s part of the healing assistance.3 KIDSPEACE
“They can hold a memorial service in the help of the KidsPeace SAP team.
the school or invite students to attend
“This vitally important review of
the funeral,” he says. “Opportunities to
the emergency process evaluates the
ventilate following these activities are
methods that worked successfully and
integral to fostering an atmosphere that
identifies work yet to be done,” says
encourages healing.”
Curran. “A closure debriefing at the
KidsPeace professionals assist the school end of the consultation period
in identifying children who may be at evaluates support systems that are in
high risk for suicide and depression place and identifies additional services
as a result of the death. “These children that might be necessary.”
may have experienced other recent
losses, or may exhibit behaviors similar
Exploring the “normality and
universality” of grief
In addition to emergency support
“KidsPeace SAP services services, KidsPeace mental health pro-
range from consultation fessionals run school-based grief groups
with administration and when a number of children have expe-
staff, to group and individ- rienced the loss of someone significant
ual student counseling in their lives. “These support groups
sessions during school don’t focus on grief resolution,” says
hours, to assistance with Martha Harvie, MA, “but rather seek
interventions by the school’s to give children the skills and support
emergency response team,” that will enable them to continue
says Program Manager Ed working toward resolution on their
Curran, MSW. own.”
Typically, a death within The process of grief is not set in stone,
the school population says Harvie. “Everyone experiences
would trigger an emergency varying intensities of grief at different
response. In such a stages, dependent upon the degree of
situation, KidsPeace mental loss. And it can take longer for children
health professionals lend to ‘get into’ their grief than adults
support and expertise to – often they are in denial longer –
school staff who are devel- so, a child can be thrust into a group
oping methods to help the too soon.”
students deal with the loss. to the symptoms of post traumatic Harvie emphasizes that the timing of
“When there is a death, it is vital stress syndrome,” says Dr. Bailey. a child’s participation in a grief support
that the school provide students with group is critical. “Generally, we recom-
She looks for the following:
age-appropriate information about the mend group participation no sooner
• Intrusive thinking, indicated by than three months after a loss,” she
event,” says Curran. “It’s important to
reports of dreams, nightmares and says. “However, children are eligible to
get the facts first, then communicate
flashbacks. participate up to two years afterward.”
that information to the student popula-
tion. And honesty is important; • Avoidant behaviors, indicated by a For cohesiveness, support groups are
sugar-coating the news isn’t helpful.” reluctance to talk about the event. structured with narrow age ranges since
Curran also advises the school to give discussions will be influenced by a
• Increased arousal, indicated by
its students “an opportunity to share child’s psychological understanding of
reports of difficulty eating, sleeping
their feelings and reactions, either indi- death, which, in turn, is influenced by
or concentrating.
vidually or in groups,” once they have chronological development.
During the crisis period, daily staff
been informed about the death. School support groups meet
debriefings for everyone from custodial
Finally, Curran suggests that school biweekly for about eight to 10 weeks
and cafeteria workers to administrative
staff create outlets for the students to during regularly scheduled class times.
personnel are given by the school’s
express their grief. Discussions focus on identifying
student assistance professionals withHEALING 4
feelings, stages of grief, and coping and respond well to art therapy.
support skills. Along with discussion, “Drawing, which comes naturally to
group facilitators use worksheets that children, helps them conceptualize Groups can give students
help children learn problem-solving their thoughts. This is a ‘safe’ activity; the skills and support to work
skills, identify their sources of support, children don’t fear sharing themselves toward grief resolution.
and explore appropriate and inappro- as much through this medium.”
priate grief reactions. Near the end of
Hohe recalls how 11-year-old Jill*, on
the group, they complete a “remem-
medication for depression following
brance sheet” that helps them get in
her father’s death, had difficulty verbal-
touch with concrete memories they
izing her feelings. “I frequently gave
shared with the person they have lost.
her the opportunity to draw during our
“The peer support children get from time together. As she drew
grief groups helps them recognize her family, she began
the normality and universality of to talk more and
their emotions,” says Dr. Bailey. soon revealed that
By hearing others express similar
reactions, children learn they are
not alone in their feelings: someone
else has been through this, too. The
group’s nonjudgmental acceptance of
each child’s emotions encourages
individual acceptance of these
feelings as well.
Breaking through the
protective “wall”
Mental health professionals at
KidsPeace utilize many techniques in
individual and family therapy to break
down the walls children may build up
to protect themselves from the pain
and confusion of grief. These tech- she
niques are used by the SAP emergency feared losing
response teams, as well as the school her mother, as well,
support groups. through death,” she
says. The more the
“Play therapy can be especially helpful
child drew, the
with younger children,” notes Curran.
more she talked.
“For example, dolls could represent a
And as her talking
child’s family members. The therapist
increased, the
would ask questions about how
drawings became
these figures interact – or don’t – since
more colorful and
the death, or what they will do in
showed more “solidity”
the future.”
with her mother.
Curran adds that puppets can help a
Children of any age can
small child express feelings that he or
benefit from the use
she may have difficulty putting into
of photographs
words. “Gentle guidance from the
and objects
professional can lead the child to a
discovery about managing those
feelings,” he says.
Mental Health Professional Sue Hohe,
M.Ed., says that younger children also5 KIDSPEACE
to uncover deep-seated thoughts and feelings on a regular basis, can be
feelings. A miniature car helped one effective. Also, writing letters to the
12-year-old boy to remember and talk deceased can help release feelings, even
about the time his father gave him that when there’s no hope of response.
gift. As he shared his feelings about his
Often, there’s unfinished business that
father, whom he saw only every few
remains between a child and the
deceased – an issue that escaped resolu-
tion before death took that significant
someone away forever. “We might use
role playing to work toward resolution
in these cases,” says Curran. “The
therapist could play the part of the
deceased, to whom the child spills his
or her anger or resentment. Or vice
versa – with the therapist in the child’s
role expressing his or her confusion.”
The “empty chair” technique is used
in much the same way: the child
expresses long-silenced words to the
chair, pretending the deceased is seated
there and hearing the child’s cry for
peace and resolution.
The SAP team agrees that the “ritual of
burying”, too, can help externalize
trapped feelings. The unresolved issue
or feeling, like anger, is written on a
piece of paper and placed in a box that
is then buried. “This act symbolizes
putting the issue to rest, and can
release many emotions long repressed
along with any unfinished business,”
says Curran.
Never undervalue the importance of
simple, direct education, as well, he
says. “Teach children about the life
cycle, so they understand that death is
part of life. Teach them to identify their
feelings, and let them know those
feelings are normal. And, teach them to
expect a flood of feelings on the
anniversary of the death, or when a
parent remarries, and that those feel-
ings, too, are okay,” Curran suggests.
Children express grief years, it became clear to his therapist With older children, cognitive therapy
feelings to the deceased with that the car was a symbol of the child’s – particularly, talking about spiritual
the “empty chair” technique. paternal need, highlighted by the loss matters and belief systems – can also
of his father through death. be helpful.
Activities that involve writing and ver-
Getting on with living
bal skills can be successful with older
children. Journaling, where young “The goal of counseling children in
people write about their thoughts and grief is to help them acknowledge thatHEALING 6
there is a time for pain, and that’s their self-image and their roles,
okay,” says Dr. Bailey. “And that there’s and reorganize themselves to
a time to move on, and that’s okay, “get on with life.”
too.” Children need to understand that
their relationship with the deceased
stays with them; it just changes. For more information about the
KidsPeace Student Assistance
“With the right type of support,”
Program, please call Mental Health
Beckmann writes, “children learn to
Professional Martha Harvie at 1-800-
work through their grief and often
25 PEACE.
become a stronger person for it.”
They integrate their loss into their
personality. Although they have lost
* Children’s names have been changed.
their “old self”, they learn to redefine
USING BALLOONS to carry
a message to “heaven”
Ronald (not his real name) was 14-years-old when three members of
his family were killed in a violent accident. Ronald, who survived, was
angry and bitter – both toward the person who caused the accident AND
toward his family for leaving him behind. But there was also another component
to Ronald’s reaction toward the loss: he felt tremendous guilt for having lived while
the others died.
The pain, anger and guilt led to emotional and behavioral issues that eventually brought
Ronald to a KidsPeace residential program. While there, one of his teachers took a special
interest in Ronald’s situation.
“Ronald was experiencing an intense amount of grief from the losses he had suffered,” says the
boy’s teacher. “In trying to determine an exercise we might do together that could help him release
some of his anger and begin to work through the healing process, I first had to talk to Ronald about
his spiritual beliefs.”
Armed with that information, the teacher then tailored a therapeutic activity to Ronald’s special
circumstances. “He told me he believed in God, so I knew we could use one activity in particular.”
Ronald agreed to try the activity when the teacher explained it to him. “First, we chose
balloons in colors that represented each member of the family who had been killed. Then,
Ronald wrote letters to those family members and tied the letters to the respective
balloons. We finally released the balloons to ‘heaven’ where the family could figuratively
‘read’ Ronald’s words of grief to them.”
The teacher also helped Ronald draft a letter to the individual who had caused the accident, in which
the child poured out his anger. The letter was never sent, but the boy felt better for getting his rage
down on paper.
“Ronald is a child just like any other child; however, he tried to cope with the extreme grief he was
experiencing as a result of his loss in ways that were not helpful,” says Ronald’s teacher. “The balloon
exercise helped him put a kind of closure on the incident so he could move on with healing.”7 KIDSPEACE
“Everything has a Once the book’s message ‘sinks in,’ Votta accompanies the
child to a nearby cemetery. In the graveyard of the “very old”
beginning and an ending...” church they visit, she and the child look at the oldest stones,
Gently bringing children face to face with engraved in German. Votta then points out that people from
the reality of death different countries die, and people from centuries ago died.
“In other words, death happens to everyone, everywhere.”
At a KidsPeace residential
treatment center in Bethlehem, A new grave blanketed with fresh flowers offers the
Pennsylvania, Karen Votta, opportunity to anticipate and talk about how the blooms will
LSW, works with children wither – another lesson in the cycle of life. Votta also uses this
whose life stories are lessons in out-of-doors exercise to open a conversation about the year’s
loss. Even so, she’s found that cycle of seasons.
these children often need extra
“A great amount of discussion can come from the seasons
help when they’re faced with
metaphor,” she says. “We always bring in their personal
that ultimate loss: death.
loss, too.”
Since Votta joined the KidsPeace
The cemetery excursion helps children see the “big picture,”
staff about seven years ago,
the whole life cycle of generations, says Votta. Some children
she’s seen many children who
need one trip; others need several over months of time. The
Karen Votta is a have struggled with the death
experience helps to “bring out what is in the child’s mind,”
licensed social worker in of someone significant in their
she says, especially a child who has not reached the develop-
the KidsPeace children’s lives. What the social worker
mental stage of abstract thinking.
therapeutic residential whose clients include the cen-
ter’s youngest male residents – In certain cases Votta may take the child a step beyond the
program.
ages seven to 11 – regularly cemetery trip. For David (not his real name), a child already
observes is that “some kids mourning multiple family losses, the death of a beloved friend
have no experience with death, or they have been given fairy presented a real struggle. Votta knew it was important for
tales.” So Votta developed what she calls a “gentle, reality- David to act on his profound grief in some way, so she helped
based, concrete therapy” that introduces children to death the 11-year-old select and send a sympathy card and flowers
and its actualities. in remembrance of his friend.
“Lifetimes”*, the children’s book written by Bryan Mellonie Votta’s concrete method of bringing David face to face with
and illustrated by Robert Ingpen, is an integral part of the the reality of death and grieving worked for the little boy.
therapeutic activity in which Votta engages a child who has
But how does she measure that success?
recently lost someone significant in his life. Through colorful
illustrations and few words, the book’s creators teach that “When a child can tell me, in his own words, the message
human beings are part of the life cycle that all living things of ‘Lifetimes’ and our conversation in the cemetery, I know I
experience. Its simple message – “every living thing has a have reached him. To me that is success,” Votta says. “When
beginning and an ending, and the living is in between” – I feel secure that he has a good understanding on his level,
is realistic, yet concrete and gentle, Votta says. then I am satisfied.”
After reading the book to the child, Votta sits quietly with him. Karen Votta, LSW, may be reached at 1-800-25-PEACE.
“We read the book; we sit quietly; we let the words sink in.
It’s very simple, but it’s all in there,” she says. Depending upon
the child’s need, she may review the book two to three times * Lifetimes. Text by Bryan Mellonie; illustrations by
during the first few weeks following the loss. Robert Ingpen. Bantam Books: 1983.HEALING 8
Helping the
grieving child
in school
Educators and students can exist in a more healthy
living and learning environment by acknowledging
the special needs of the grieving child. Foremost is the
complex relationship between loss issues and a child’s
ability to function in and out of the classroom. The
needs of the grieving child must be addressed in a new
and fresh way within our school systems to create a
safe haven for learning for our young people.
C
hildren’s grief should be seen by these prevailing social and societal
as an ongoing life process that loss issues in their homes, in their
is approachable through words, schools and in their communities.
activities and non-verbal communica-
A major percentage of America’s
By Linda Goldman, Certified Grief tion. Educators can use this under-
children face the loss of the protection
Therapist and Grief Educator standing to create a safe environment
of the adult world, as grief issues of
for parents, teachers and children
homicide, violence and abuse infiltrate
Center for Loss and Grief Therapy to acknowledge and process difficult
their outer and inner worlds. Issues
feelings.
involving shame and secretiveness
Grief in the ’nineties when death is caused by such occur-
rences as suicide and the contraction
So often adults rely on the prevailing of AIDS create a grieving child that is
myth that children are too young too locked into the pain of isolation –
grieve. When a child is capable of which can be far more damaging than
loving, he is capable of grieving. Yet the original loss.
many of today’s children are born into
a world of grief issues that await them Normal signs of grief
inside their homes and outside their
Today’s educators first need to become
neighborhoods. Boys and girls are
familiar with the normal signs of grief
becoming increasingly traumatized9 KIDSPEACE
How Mary felt toward her dad,
who committed suicide.
in order to normalize them for parents I asked Mary what she wished her death allows some kids to feel some
and students. We then can develop teacher would have said. She replied, control over normalizing their life.
ways to work with the grieving child “I wish she would have given me a
Andy was playing on the school basket-
within the school system. hug, said she was sorry, and promised
ball team, and the final tournament
she would be there if I ever wanted to
Mary (names have been changed) was a major event. Most of the moms
talk about my dad or the way he died.”
was a fourth grade client whose dad and dads of the team members came
had committed suicide on her birthday. Educators can develop ways to to support their children for the game.
During our grief therapy session, she normalize and discuss these delicate Andy scored the final basket that won
told me she was enraged at her teacher, subjects with children. the victory for his team. Charlie, Andy’s
Mrs. Albert. Mary had told her the first coach, ran over to Andy to congratulate
week of school that her father had
Normalizing grief him, and all the other boys and their
committed suicide during the summer. Educators need to understand that parents joined in the celebration.
Mrs. Albert never responded to her and children don’t like to feel different.
“Where’s your dad?” Coach Charlie
never addressed the subject again. Mary When they have experienced the death
asked.
was furious and swore never to tell of a parent, they often choose not to
anyone else in school about this death. talk about it. Not talking about theHEALING 10
“He’s working today, and couldn’t • Want to “appear normal”. for all of his students in order to
come,” Andy replied. Coach Charlie • Need to tell the story over and over identify Andy as a grieving child. The
was unaware that Andy’s dad had died again. school guidance counselor can serve as
of cancer three months earlier. Andy • Enjoy wearing or holding something a liaison to identify grieving children
needed to save face and avoid his dad’s of loved one. to all faculty who currently work with
death in order to “appear normal.” the child.
• Speak of loved one in the present.
Normalizing grief • Tend to worry about health and Grief and ADD, LD
response for children health of surviving loved ones.
So often today’s children are misdiag-
It is normal for a grieving child to: If the school had a policy of maintain- nosed with attention deficit disorder
ing a “grief and loss inventory”, Coach and learning disabilities after their
• Imitate behavior of the deceased.
Charlie could have reviewed this tool experience with traumatic loss.
A 12-year-old’s
attempt to normalize
suicide by writing
her feelings
about it.11 KIDSPEACE
A child’s deep pain expressed through artwork
in a grief therapy session.
Hyperactivity, impulsivity and inability Sam was placed on Ritalin and given Children made memory books,
to concentrate are normal grief this drug for the next three years. He commemorated loved ones, and shared
symptoms that too often become the continued to have the nightmares and photos and stories. Sam’s concentration
behavioral criteria to diagnose learning bed-wetting that began with his sister’s in school became more focused; even-
problems. death. However, these anxieties were tually, he was taken off the medication.
never addressed inside or outside of the He continued going to a children’s
Seven-year-old Sam was a second grader
school system. Sam became a part of bereavement group in a neighboring
whose older sister Sally was murdered
the learning disabled population, and hospice program for the rest of the
in a drive-by shooting the day before
his deep grief and its symptoms school year.
Christmas. He came back to school
remained buried.
after the winter holidays with extreme We, as caring adults, need to be
restlessness and frequent swings of Artwork can be used as a grief therapy educated in learning the signs of
emotional outbursts and withdrawal. tool to help children recognize unre- normal and complicated grief. Gaining
This continued for several months, solved grief feelings and buried or a respect for and acceptance of the
along with a decrease in attention and frozen blocks of emotion. feelings of anxiety and depression that
school performance. The grief symp- occur with normal grief can be a strong
Sam also became a member of a school-
toms continued well into third grade, force in differentiating between grief
based grief therapy group, which
where Sam’s teacher expressed concern and ADD or LD.
he attended with four other children
that he might be exhibiting signs of
between the ages of six and nine. He
attention deficit. She suggested to his
attended this group, led by his
mom that Sam receive an evaluation
guidance counselor, for several months.
by his pediatrician.HEALING 12
The bereaved child may: • Become overly talkative.
• Become the class clown. • Become disorganized.
• Become withdrawn and unsociable. • Show reckless physical action.
• Bed-wet or have nightmares. • Show poor concentration around
external stimuli.
• Become restless in staying seated.
• Show difficulty in following
• Call out of turn.
directions.
• Not complete schoolwork.
Creating grief awareness in
• Have problems listening and the schools
staying on task.
So often adults tell children they “need
to move on and get over their loss.”
We, in the educational system, need
In a therapy
session Ashley wrote
this Mother’s Day
letter to her mom.13 KIDSPEACE
to recognize and build into our grief Mr. Barry admonished Ashley, “It’s
awareness the ongoing process of been two years since your mom has
grief. Each child’s grief is unique, and died. You need to get over it and
the grief experience is unique to each move on!”
individual.
Ashley said she hated her teacher for
Ashley was a third grader whose mom saying that. The last thing she wanted
had died of a sudden heart attack when to do was forget her mom. What she
she was in first grade. Her art class was needed, instead, were concrete ways
making Mother’s Day gifts, and she was to remember her. During grief therapy
flooded with memories as class mem- session that day, Ashley and I lit a
bers began talking about their moms. candle to remember Mom.
Ashley burst into tears and ran out of
Mr. Barry could have responded to
the room. Her teacher, Mr. Barry,
Ashley in a compassionate way that
rushed after her. Ashley explained that
would have helped her feel safe to
her mom had died two years ago, and
express her feelings of grief in school.
it was still painful to remember her.
An agreement between them designat-
ing a safe adult within the school
whom Ashley could see when she
missed her mom might have created a
way to allow for her grief feelings. Mr.
Barry could have also invited Ashley to
create a symbolic Mother’s Day card for
her mom, write a poem about her
mom, or plant a flower in her memory.
Letter and poetry writing are grief
therapy techniques that allow children
to create concrete ways to commemo-
rate the death of a loved one.
Lila, a 10-year-old bereaved child,
wrote this poem in memory of her
Uncle Bryan.HEALING 14
Melissa is a
12-year-old whose
dad died of cancer.
She shared her
funniest memory
of her dad in this
page of her
memory book.
Interventions for the safely project feelings and thoughts the person who died, and open
grieving child about the loss and present life discussion. Kids can tell about how
outside of themselves. the person died and share funny,
Children gain a greater understanding
happy or sad memories.
of themselves when they can express • The bereaved child needs to be
previously hidden emotions. The allowed to go to a safe place outside Educators can use a grief and loss
awareness of unrecognized feelings also the classroom when these unexpect- inventory (Goldman, 1994) as a tool
allows educators, parents and other ed, overwhelming feelings arise, for creating and storing history on the
caring adults to be more in touch with without needing to explain why in grieving child throughout his or her
what is going on in the grief process. front of fellow classmates. academic life. This history includes all
Grief feelings and thoughts are contin- losses, and important dates of birthdays
• The bereaved child often is preoccu-
uous and ever-changing, inundating and deaths of loved ones that may
pied with his or her own health and
their lives like waves on the ocean. have a great impact on the child
the health of loved ones. Providing
These thoughts and feelings may arrive through the years.
a reality check – such as allowing the
without warning, and children feel
child to phone the surviving parent Educators can also use the concept of
unprepared for their enormity in a
during the school day or to visit “teachable moments” to create a spon-
school setting.
the school nurse – can reassure boys taneous lesson calling upon a life expe-
Remember: and girls that they and their families rience that is happening in “The Now”.
are O.K.
• The bereaved child needs to The death of Mrs. Arnold’s class’s
acknowledge a parent or sibling who • The bereaved child needs to use goldfish, Goldie, was a huge loss to the
died by using his or her name or memory work to create a physical kindergartners. Goldie’s death during
sharing a memory. way to remember their feelings and school provided a “teachable moment”
share them. Memory books are a whereby the children could express
• The bereaved child needs to tell his
collection of drawn or written feel- their feelings about death and com-
or her story over and over again.
ings and thoughts that allow the memorate their loss with a burial ritual
• The bereaved child needs to use child to re-experience memories in a and memorial service.
tools such as drawing, writing, safe way. The books serve as useful
role-playing, and reenactment to tools to enable children to tell about15 KIDSPEACE
Memory book example of seven-year-old
Danny showing, through artwork, the way
he perceived his dad’s death.
Classroom teachers can provide a safe • Assigning a class helper. • Planting a memory garden.
haven for the grieving child by:
• Creating some private time in • Initiating a scholarship fund.
• Allowing the child to leave the room the day.
• Establishing an ongoing fund raiser
if needed.
• Giving more academic progress such as a car wash or bake sale, with
• Allowing the child to call home if reports. proceeds going toward the family’s
necessary. designated charity.
Schools can help children commemo-
• Creating a visit to the school nurse rate a death in the school by: • Placing a memorial page and picture
and guidance counselor periodically. in the school yearbook or school
• Creating a ceremony, releasing a
newspaper.
• Changing some work assignments. balloon with a special note or light-
ing a candle. • Sending flowers to the grieving
family.
• Creating a memorial wall with
stories and pictures of shared events.
• Having an assembly about the
student.HEALING 16
Conclusion Accelerated Development/Taylor and Francis
(1-800-821-8312), and “Bart Speaks Out: An
What we can mention, we can manage. Interactive Storybook for Young Children on
Suicide (in press 1998), published by Western
This idea is a useful paradigm for edu- Psychological Services (1-800-648-8857). She
cators to understand when formulating spent 18 years as a kindergarten and second
a safe environment for the grieving grade teacher, and elementary guidance
counselor in the Baltimore County School system
child. If professionals in the school in Maryland. Goldman is a member of the
system can acknowledge and express continuing education faculty of the University of
thoughts and feelings involving grief Maryland School of Social Work, Johns Hopkins
University, and a consultant to Head Start.
and loss, they can serve as role models She offers workshops to school systems and
for the ever-increasing population of universities to educate caring adults to respond
students experiencing traumatic loss. to children’s loss issues.
All artwork and writing reprinted with permission
Children of the ’nineties face losses in from Breaking the Silence: A Guide to Help Children With
the form of sudden fatal accidents and Complicated Grief-Suicide, Homicide, AIDS, Violence and
deaths due to illness, suicide, homicide Abuse by Linda Goldman. 1996. Washington, DC:
and AIDS. There are also many non- Taylor & Francis; Life and Loss: A Guide to Help Grieving
death related issues that have a similar Children by Linda Goldman. 1994. Washington, DC:
or the same effect on children. Loss of Taylor & Francis.
family stability from separation and
divorce, violence and abuse, unemploy-
ment, multiple moves, parental “Healing Magazine” welcomes
imprisonment, and family alcohol and articles and other submissions
drug addiction are a few of the many from our friends in the field. To
grief issues impacting today’s young have your article or story idea
children. reviewed for publication, please
Educators can provide grief vocabulary, contact Miriam DiBiase, Editor,
resources, and crisis and educational KidsPeace Creative Services, 4125
interventions, preventions and Independence Drive, Suite 4,
“postventions”. Administrators, teach- Schnecksville, PA 18078.
ers and parents can join in creating a 1-800-25-PEACE, ext. 8340
safe haven for the grieving child within healing@kidspeace.org
the school system. By opening commu-
nication about loss and grief issues,
educators can create a bridge between
the world of fear, isolation and loneli-
ness to the world of truth, compassion
and dignity for the grieving child.
Linda Goldman may be contacted
for questions or comments at the
Center for Loss and Grief Therapy,
7801 Connecticut Ave.
Chevy Chase, Md. 20815
phone: 301 6571151
fax: 301 656-4350
website: www.erols.com/lgold
Linda Goldman, MS, is a certified grief
therapist and certified grief educator specializing
in working with children and grief. She is the
author of three books on helping children with
grief issues: “Life and Loss: A Guide to Help
Grieving Children” (1994) and “Breaking the
Silence: A Guide to Help Children With
Complicated Grief – Suicide, Homicide, AIDS,
Violence and Abuse” (1996), published by17 KIDSPEACE
About grief: Books to read...
For teachers and parents For children
Breaking the Silence: A Guide to Help Children About Dying by Sarah Stein. 1974. New York: Walker
With Complicated Grief-Suicide, Homicide, AIDS, & Co. (ages 3-6). This book contains a simple text and
Violence and Abuse by Linda Goldman. 1996. photographs to help the young child understand death
Washington, DC: Taylor & Francis. A clearly written and to provide ways to help children participate in
guide for adults to help children with complicated grief commemorating.
issues. It includes specific chapters on suicide, homicide,
Aarvy Aardvark Finds Hope by Donna O’Toole.
AIDS, violence and abuse, guidelines for educators,
1998. Burnsville, NC: Mt. Rainbow Publications (ages 5-
national resources, and an annotated bibliography.
8). A story about animals that presents pain, sadness
Death in the Classroom by Kathleen Cassini and and eventual hope after death.
Jacqueline Rogers. 1990. Cincinnati, OH: Griefwork
Badger’s Parting Gifts by S. Varley. 1984. New York,
of Cincinnati. An informative teacher’s textbook and
NY: Morrow and Co. (all ages). Badger was a special
resourceful guide that sensitively confronts ways to
friend to all the animals. After his death, each friend
work with a death in the classroom.
recalls a special memory of Badger.
Grief Comes to Class by Majel Gliko-Braden. 1992.
Bart Speaks Out: An Interactive Storybook for
Omaha, NE: Centering Corp. A practical book designed
Young Children About Suicide by Linda Goldman.
to help teachers and parents assist bereaved children.
1997 (in press). Los Angeles, California: Western
Life and Loss: A Guide to Help Grieving Children Psychological Services Publisher (ages 5-10). A useful
by Linda Goldman. 1994. Washington, DC: Taylor & interactive storybook for young children that provides
Francis. A resource for working with children and words to use for the young child to discuss the sensitive
normal grief. It provides practical information, topic of suicide.
resources, hands-on activity, a model of a good-bye
Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to
visit for children and an annotated bibliography.
Children by B. Mellonie and R. Ingpen. 1983. New
Teaching Students About Death by Robert and York, NY: Bantam Books (ages 4-10). This book explains
Eileen Stevenson. 1996. Philadelphia, PA: the Charles the life cycle of plants, animals and people.
Press. A comprehensive resource for educators and par-
Death Is Hard To Live With by J. Bode. 1993. New
ents explaining childhood bereavement in the schools.
York, NY: Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing. Teenagers
The Grieving Child by Helen Fitzgerald. 1992. New talk frankly about how they cope with loss.
York, NY: Simon and Schuster. A wonderful guide for
Fire in My Heart, Ice in My Veins by Enid Traisman.
parents and other caring adults that speaks of children’s
1992. Omaha, NE: Centering Corporation. A wonderful
grief and loss issues in a loving and practical way,
book for teenagers to explore thoughts and feelings and
with many ideas and techniques to include children in
record grief memories.
commemorating.
When Someone Very Special Dies by Marge
When Grief Visits School by Dr. John Dudley. 1995.
Heegaard. 1988. Minneapolis, MN: Woodland Press
Minneapolis, MN: Educational Media Corporation.
(ages 4-7). An excellent workbook for young children
School districts are encouraged to use this book to
that uses artwork and journaling to allow them to
establish and train crisis response teams to prepare
understand and express their grief.
for tragedies that may occur.HEALING 18
Children and death:
Simple journal bridges gap between
past and present
By Susan Gottshall Brandell exactly what Molly needed says Gaines-Lane, because
to heal from the grief that had children like Molly “lead themselves
stricken her at such a young age. to their own healing.”
Like a boat with strong wind
“Grieving people look for ways to Produced with lots of empty space and
at its stern, Molly* sailed stay connected,” says Gaines-Lane. few words, the journal is simple and
And children, especially, need help in direct: “Recount a favorite memory,”
through the first few years
constructing a memory that will give one page instructs; “What don’t you
following her father’s death them that connection. miss about the person who died?”
on an even keel. Just four That’s why the bereavement
coordinator at Hospice of
years of age when the brain Northern Virginia developed
tumor slowly stole him from “My Memory Book: A
Journal for Grieving Children”, a
her, “forever” had yet to work that guides children on a
creep into her vocabulary. memory reconstruction
journey.
B
ut at age eight-and-a-half, the A generation ago, says Gaines-
wind that had guided Molly so Lane, grief was considered
steadily changed direction. Her “resolved” when a survivor
mother began to observe volatile mood accepted the death of a loved
swings, irritability and disobedience one, then moved on in life
in the usually even-tempered and kind without that person and forgot
child, along with increasing peer about him or her. Today,
conflicts at school. she says, grief resolution is
thought of as a “realistic
About the same time, Molly’s questions
renegotiation.”
about her father became more
frequent. Time after time, following her The former Children’s Hospice
mother’s patient answers, Molly would International consultant puts
demand, “That’s not enough. I want it this way: “You do not forget
another asks. In all of the empty space
more. I don’t know him.” the person, but your relationship to
– some with lines, some without –
the person changes. The relationship
Ah, the wisdom of children. a child documents memories, thoughts
is transformed. You ‘incorporate’
and feelings in words or pictures.
The memory reconstruction them and go on.”
journey The format of “My Memory Book” Recognizing grief in children
According to Gretchen Gaines-Lane, gives children the opportunity to create Early in her bereavement counseling,
MSW, getting to “know” her father was the book without a lot of supervision, Gaines-Lane, who has worked at19 KIDSPEACE
Gretchen Gaines-Lane, MSW, is
the author of “My Memory Book:
A Journal for Grieving Children”.
Georgetown University Medical Center than 160 bereavement centers – aimed Gaines-Lane says actions really do
and Montgomery Hospice Society, had at helping children to express and speak louder than words when it comes
found that grief-stricken parents often channel grief – have opened through- to children because behavioral changes
don’t include their children in discus- out the country in the last few decades. are often indicators of their grief. For
sions about the family’s loss. Many example, active and playful kids may
It is evident that fewer encounters with
adults believe death and the process of become withdrawn. Or even-tempered
death coupled with a general avoidance
dying frighten children, she says, so children like Molly might find
of the topic have increasingly involved
they try to shield kids from harsh themselves in the middle of frequent
mental health practitioners in the
end-of-life realities. arguments with peers and adults.
childhood grieving process.
Not so a hundred years ago in a “Children may also grieve in short
Where do they begin?
predominately rural, agrarian America spurts of time, then run off and play,”
where people died at home and Children’s grief differs from adult Gaines-Lane adds.
children experienced death as a natural grief, says Gaines-Lane, and can be
“fact of life”. hard to detect. Journaling helps
“A grieving adult might sit down A complex process that includes
At the turn of the century, 25 percent
and cry and say, ‘I miss that person,’” all aspects of personality, environment
of Americans had already lost one
she says. “But children without and inner being, grief can be “ever new
parent by age 15. In September 1997
an adequate vocabulary to express and changing” as children’s cognitive
“Newsweek” reported that the number
experiences and feelings, and the basic and physical abilities – along with
had decreased to about six percent –
coping skills that come from life emotional development – come togeth-
most likely because of improved
experience act out their grief.” er in different ways at different stages
medical care. Yet, says the report, more
of growth, says Gaines-Lane. ChildrenHEALING 20
have a special need to “re-grieve” as and employ group time to talk about with new information from others
they move into each new developmen- the person they lost. During the fourth who also remember the person. This
tal stage. Answers to questions that and fifth sessions, the children can kind of strong, dynamic memory is
arise in succeeding developmental bring in objects for group sharing that the connection that becomes easily
stages help them understand their loss remind them of the person. At the accessible to a child in a future crisis...
in a new way. closing session, the group leader can A time when he or she needs parental
facilitate a discussion of feelings and support despite a parent’s permanent
Grief, says Gaines-Lane, is “far more
coping simply by following the format physical absence.
than an emotion.”
of the book.
Fascinated with the process, she “Little by little, tiny bits of
began counseling grieving children in Healing takes time, shift in grief go away.”
1987. Since play is the language of the perspective
Gaines-Lane says Molly is “one of the
child, the therapist “became intrigued Whether the journal is used individual- strongest cases” that shows the contri-
with how we could use creativity with ly with a parent or counselor, or used bution journaling can make toward
children in bereavement.” in a group, it’s most important that healing children’s grief. After several
Gaines-Lane knew journaling worked the book be completed slowly, says months of short-term work with “My
for adults. Why couldn’t it work for Gaines-Lane. In an individual setting, Memory Book”, guided by Gaines-Lane,
children, as well? especially, only one page should be Molly’s behavior changed dramatically.
completed at one seating. It’s okay if a Along with increased cooperation
A successful technique of self- child does not complete the book. “we saw very clear mood changes and
exploration for centuries, journaling is changes in behavior with friends,”
“age old” in value, she says. It compels “Trust the child’s instinct about what
says Gaines-Lane.
the journal keeper to express pain and he or she needs to do,” Gaines-Lane
confusion in words or pictures, putting says. “That is the first rule for me.” But even in the midst of healing, Molly
him or her in touch with the “self” – with her childlike wisdom – saw the
When family members and other
that is deep and hard to reach – what struggle of her own pain.
significant adults can help children
Gaines-Lane calls “the self with the understand that death is part of life, “You think this will never happen,”
capital ‘S’”. The activity teaches says Gaines-Lane, death can be the nine-year-old wrote in her journal,
children, first of all, that they have a strengthening and affirming – “but then when it does it comes as a
deeper self. But, what’s more, by even for a child who has lost a person shock. You think you will never get
acknowledging and appreciating the as important as a parent. over it. But little by little tiny bits of
journaling itself, children learn the grief go away, but you always wish it
“Help the child see that the person’s
importance of that big ‘S’ self, she says. never happened.”
death is part of a cycle of ancestors,
And so, “My Memory Book” was born. people who came before and people
Gaines-Lane says this grief journal for who will come after,” she says. And
point out that we build tradition by Gretchen Gaines-Lane is available
kids can be used either at the time of
remembering and honoring the memo- for consultation and leading work-
loss or years afterward.
ry of that person’s values and beliefs. shops at 11433 Encore Drive, Silver
Immediately following a loss, Gaines- Spring, MD 20901/(301) 681-5964. To
Lane says, journaling can be utilized as “These values and beliefs are our her-
order “My Memory Book: A Journal
“a preventive measure”. Used in this itage, our tradition, our gifts,” she says.
for Grieving Children”, send your
manner, the journal can collect current, From this perspective, death can affirm check to Chi Rho Press, P. O. Box
fresh memories rather than those life as the child learns how he or she 7864, Gaithersburg, MD 20898, or
brought back with “lots of layers”. The fits in the big picture, says Gaines-Lane. phone/fax your request to (301) 926-
grieving child can, thus, get as much as “Children need to acquire part of their 1208. Books are $10.95; six or more
possible down on paper before those identity from the past, to which they copies are $8.95 each. Shipping costs
memories become buried or blurred. add their own new pieces,” she says. are as follows: 1 copy – $2.50; 2-3
“‘My Memory Book’ can help a child copies – $3.50; 4-6 copies – $4.50; 7-8
Gaines-Lane says “My Memory Book”
do this.” copies – $5.50; 9-11 copies – $6.50; 12
is appropriate for group as well as one-
or more copies – 7% of total order.
on-one settings. With a firm image of the person who
Add a $2 handling charge for orders
For groups, she suggests setting up six died, children develop an “inner repre-
that are not prepaid.
or seven sessions in which children sentation” or “construct” (memory)
that continues to grow and expand * Name has been changed.
complete several pages each meeting21 KIDSPEACE
Hospice of Lancaster County
offers children a retreat from grief
By Lois A. Weber Helping children cope with Coping Kids helps both the children
illness and death and their families understand the grief
process and come to terms with the
Patti Homan, a certified grief coun-
Grief is a “given” selor and bereavement program manag-
crises they are facing.
er for Hospice of Lancaster County, “It is our philosophy
in all of our lives. is very much aware of the extreme grief and the
emotions that can overwhelm grieving readjustment
When we love, we children. “Illness and death are fam- to an illness
ily crises; they create changes in all or death in
become vulnerable aspects of the family’s function- a family
ing,” Homan says. “Children who begins
to the pain of loss. are excluded from the family’s at
grieving process can feel aban-
B
y adulthood, though, most of doned, lonely, angry, confused and
us will have acquired a better scared. Children going through this
understanding of the processes time together with the adults who
of grief – either through our own expe- love them can find their relation-
rience with the death of a loved one or ships with those adults strength-
through others’. We will have learned ened.”
that, over the course of time, the tears,
Homan oversees the hospice’s
anxiety, stress, depression, anger, guilt
“Coping Kids” program, -
and loneliness subside, and acceptance
clinical support group
comes. And that our losses help to
exclusively for kids
strengthen us emotionally and enable
dealing
us to better cope with future tragedies.
with the
But what about a child who loses a illness or
parent or other significant person in his death of a
or her life? Or perhaps the child who loved one.
witnesses the slow demise of a parent
diagnosed with a terminal illness?
How does a child, so emotionally
unprepared, understand and deal with
the profound grief that surely
will follow the loss? What
resources do these children draw
upon to cope?HEALING 22
the time a diagnosis is made, not solely ill or has died and to write about what
at time of death,” says Homan. life was like before the illness or death,
what life is like now, and what they
Coping Kids was founded almost a
want or expect it to be in the future.
decade ago as a result of a nine-year-old
Other activities might include discus-
Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, girl’s
sion about how the children felt while
school essay. The girl had written that
attending a funeral or during another
she longed to talk with other kids who
emotionally challenging situation.
understood what it was like to have
a dad with cancer – as she did. In that Children are able to openly express
letter community leaders recognized their thoughts, feelings and fears, and
a great unmet need... and Coping Kids find comfort in the understanding
was born. of others, Homan says. “The most
important thing these
At first Coping Kids was run entirely
sessions accomplish is
by volunteers who met weekly with
that they show the
the children in a church basement.
children that they are
However, Homan said, the program’s
not alone with these
originators soon realized they would
feelings, they are not
need much more help to serve the
abnormal for feeling
volume of children in need. In 1994
what they feel.”
Coping Kids was taken under
the umbrella of Hospice of Lancaster Special programs
County. for special needs
Today the program is divided into two Hospice of Lancaster
groups: Loss and Illness. Both meet County also offers two
twice a month. About 50 members are other bereavement
actively enrolled, with 20 to 30 programs for children:
children attending groups regularly. “Camp Chimaqua”
Some past members return for special and “SoulMates”.
events such as the yearly memorial
Camp Chimaqua is a
service or holiday festivities.
three-day children’s
“The meetings foster socialization, bereavement camp
self-esteem enhancement and the organized for children
exploration of feelings while at the ages six and up who
same time allowing the children are grieving the loss of a loved one.
to be children and simply have fun,” The camp was named for a young boy
Homan says. “Often their lives are who died of cancer at the age of 12. Its
surrounded by medical personnel, format intermingles therapeutic
hospital settings or other situations “reflective” activities with fun to help
and circumstances familiar to illness children identify and better understand
or death. Coping Kids strives to bring the emotions they are feeling. Through
normalcy back into their lives.” interaction with others at the camp
Play is balanced with creative exercises and the supporting influence of their
that encourage children to recognize “buddies”, trained volunteers who help
and name the different emotions they at the camp, the children learn they are
are experiencing. For example, the chil- feeling the same fear, guilt, anger and
dren may trace one another’s bodies anxiety about their loss and about their
onto paper, then color in the tracings future as the child sitting next to them.
of their own bodies with their feelings, Camp Chimaqua, which began in 1996
where they are feeling them. In a jour- and hosted 33 children in 1997, is con-
naling exercise the children might be sidered a great success by the hospice
asked to think about the person who is workers. “Hospice accomplished what itYou can also read
