Driven by Ego Adapted from Steve Covey's The 8th Habit
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Driven by Ego Adapted from Steve Covey’s The 8 th
Habit
Note: this article reflects the layperson’s definition of an ego-driven nature – as a pride-based, self-
absorbed concept. This differs from the more complex professional definition.
A self-absorbed, I-centric, ego-driven persona is typical of one’s childhood and teen years. We
perceive ourselves as the center of our own universes and exist to be served by others
(dependence) and to serve ourselves (independence). As we mature, many of us struggle to make
the further transition to a level of interdependence – where we work cooperatively with others.
Ego-driven people think win-lose, seek first to be understood, seek first to influence, control, and
dominate others. One can still reach a level of independent success when driven by ego, but team
success will be difficult to achieve .
Ego limits oneself from moving forwards in terms of personal growth, and if left unchecked, this can
sabotage a team. Those in power are most conspicuous in their ego-driven approach, and are in
position to do the most harm.
Ego serves itself. It doesn’t concern itself seek to influence, but remains somewhat
with the greater good of others. It focuses on inflexible and unwilling to be influenced.
one’s own survival, pleasure, and
enhancement to the exclusion of others. Ego holds its own feelings paramount.
It focuses on one’s own thoughts and feelings, Being internally-driven, ego regards its
while dismissing those of others emotions as pure truth, and takes actions
based on this viewpoint.
Ego has a biased memory.
It cannot be impartial when it plays a Ego can’t sleep. It micromanages. It
role in events. It constantly censors excels in control. It disempowers others.
information, and denies much of It wants to do it all, and do it better than
reality. Ego will read this article and anyone else.
say, “I know someone just like that.”
Ego is vulnerable. Despite its apparent
Ego sees in black and white. It strength and confidence, ego is
sees relationships in terms of characterized by a personal vulnerability
threat or no threat, like little that’s almost child-like, and leads to
children who would classify reactivity.
someone as “She’s nice” or
“She’s mean.” Ego-driven Ego is thin-skinned and very sensitive to
personas tend to look upon perceived attacks. It’s threatened by negative
others as either allies or feedback and punishes the messenger. It
enemies, and then act interprets all data in terms of self-preservation.
accordingly towards them.
Ego reacts. It protects its own turf with a
Being wrapped up in its own drama, ego can vengeance. It has little discernment in deciding
be blind to the foolishness of its own behavior. how severe a crisis or threat really is. The
It colors itself in brighter colors while casting smallest of things can be just as upsetting as
others more darkly. serious issues or a genuine crisis.
Ego is certain, and ever-willing to fight to Ego is needy. It craves positive attention,
prove it. Being right is very important to ego, approval, and recognition. It comes from a
and this creates a rigid stance. Ego, preferring place of emotional instability. Beneath
the role of an expert, will give its opinion and
apparent arrogance, ego can be masking Though it may be selfishly ambitious, it can
insecurity and low self-worth. hide it well. It will play well with others to slowly
gain leverage and advantage.
Ego hurts. It’s very sensitive about self. Such
self-absorption means that ego can very Ego flies solo. It doesn’t do team. It may
insensitive towards others. Not hat ego is speak of “WE” then act for “ME.” It doesn’t
hard-hearted. It’s just that being so thin- synergize with others by building upon
skinned ensures that ego will over-focus on its complimentary strengths. Because it won’t
own emotions. As a result, ego can dish it out acknowledge any weaknesses, it won’t team
but can’t take it in return. up with others to overcome them. It misses out
on the powerful effect of synergy.
Ego distorts reality. It has an over-inflated
view of itself. To maintain a positive sense of People can tire of serving on a team where
self, ego denies ones own faults, and other team members, driven by ego, serve
magnifies those of others. only themselves.
As opposed to the blatant ego-maniac who is
irritating but relatively harmless, the highly-
political version of ego can be the most
dangerous. It will gradually consolidate power
and influence and can do a lot of damage to a
team with their continual gamesmanship
happening insidiously behind the scenes.
Ego plays win-lose. This creates a dynamic
Ego creates blind spots. It perpetuates of win-over rather than win-with. Conversations
personal vulnerability, and fuels insensitivity tend to be competitive, involving games of
towards others. Ego’s interpretation of events one-upmanship and battles for “airtime.”
is disturbingly one-sided.
Ego mishandles conflict. It personalizes
Ego doesn’t apologize easily. It can’t readily issues, and remains very sensitive to
admit mistakes nor acknowledge any perceived attacks. It tends to turn things
weaknesses. Ego hides its mistakes. adversarial and escalate tensions.
Ego makes for an aggressive nature that Ego is myopic and
serves reluctantly. It offers a less-open interprets all of life
heart and a less-open mind. They tend to be through its own agenda.
aggressive when provoked, and their It points an accusing finger
threshold for anger and aggression can be at others while coverings
surprisingly low. any evidence of its own
crimes. It will magnify the
Ego can become accustomed to getting its faults of others, while
way through aggressive tactics. Though many covering up its own.
people tend to be overly passive, that
certainly doesn’t apply to the ego-driven. Ego holds ground. It fights
to be right and wants to get in
Ego often wears a mask. Ego can be the last word. It may give the
blatant, or very subversive. Even ego “kiss of yes” to others but
understands that any public displays of itself subversively sabotage efforts.
are socially unacceptable, so it often masks
itself behind kindness and pleasantries.
Ego wants to be right. It tends to take a “told Ego self-promotes. It wants the world to know
you so” approach that wants to show how of its strengths and victories. It will emphasize
right and how smart they are. the value of its own strengths as well as the
weaknesses of others.
Ego transfers faults. It will project Conversely, ego will diminish the strengths of
its own faults onto others. Like the others along with any weaknesses of its
pot calling the kettle black, ego tends own.
to be most upset when others
display the very qualities that it has Ego always keeps score. It gives favors,
yet to acknowledge and deal with in expecting reciprocation back, and enjoys
itself. being in a position of “you owe me.”
Ego takes action. It enjoys Ego poses. It’s far more concerned
dominance rather than submission, about appearances than performance.
so it prefers the active role. It Like a peacock it proudly displays its
prefers talking to listening, and superiority over other perceived rivals
conversations can often border on in a self-aggrandizing manner.
monologues.
Ego embraces social status, and is prone
Ego will try to talk its way to success, to posturing. It wants to be recognized as
even to the point putting others into quite having more elegance, intelligence, and
submission. Ego never tires of the fight. sophistication than others.
Ego is hungry and demands to be continually Ego enjoys being the expert. It embraces the
fed. It craves status, respect, and recognition. role of being the one with all the answers. It
It values these far above personal growth and will keep information from others so it can
character development. In other words, ego maintain this status. It will defend its turf and
plays to win the outside game of act with absolute certainty. Because it refrains
appearances, not the inside game of personal from open curiosity or asking questions that
growth. could reveal a lack of knowledge, ego tends to
learn slower.
Ego destroys trust. Once provoked, ego,
will, like a mean dog, turn and bite the hands Ego remembers. It carries grudges and all the
of acquaintances. Emotional outbursts tend to baggage of past issues. It may seek revenge
be explosive and unpredictable. on those it perceives to have been hurt by, and
ensures that payback will be double.
People are turned off once they’ve
been aggressively “burned by the Ego reciprocates. Give kindness and ego will
dragon.” They lose trust, and revert pay back and then some. Give pain and ego
to strategies of avoidance and will pay back and then some.
“walking on eggshells” to minimize
any future harm. Ego measures status and positional power.
Ego wants to be on top all the time. If you’re
Ego competes. It plays to win and perceived as equal or above, ego will compete
hates to lose. It will compete on any to prove itself. If you’re considered below, ego
front it can win, and avoid those it will dismiss, ignore, or invalidate you.
feels it can’t win.
Ego plays a continual game of trying to elevate
Ego want to feel superior – to be itself within any group. It can be a blatant self-
better than others, and enjoys promoter and will often seek to put others
games such as one-upmanship. down.Ego has a comparison-based identity. It directly or more subversively through sniper
wants to keep others in their place, take them tactics (back-stabbing and gossiping).
down a notch, or prevent them from rising up.
Ego is prone to posing, posturing, and any Ego wants a lead role in the play. It enjoys
symbols of power and prestige. playing the rescuing hero or the sacrificing
martyr. Being simply a team member is not
Comparison-based ego wants to be better- enough to feed a hungry ego.
than, to look better-than, and to be rewarded
better-than. Ego can be very threatened by Ego is a survivor. It acts out of self-
the success and growth of confidence of preservation and has often arisen from a harsh
others. background. Even when life improves, this
scarcity-minded survival mode has become the
Ego seeks power. It favors master-slave norm for everyday living.
relationships that involve co-dependency – With ego, tension levels tend to remain high.
with ego-driven leaders who control most And even if it claws its way to the top, ego can
everything, and manager-dependent never find peace and contentment.
underlings who willingly subjugate themselves
to such control. Ego gets results. It can fuel tremendous drive
to succeed that leads to great personal
It’s an unhealthy success. Unfortunately, ego has difficulty
dynamic that limits making the transition from personal success to
the growth of all team success.
involved.
Ego wants to be the star player. Even on a
Ego is usually quite team, others are there to serve them. Though
eager to teach, they may be appreciated for their game-
seeing that as a breaking talent, teamwork often suffers under
position of dominance, the selfish play of the ego-driven performer.
but it’s less willing to be They remain insufferable, and when their talent
taught, seeing that as a fades, their value drops off dramatically.
position of submission.
This makes coachability questionable. Can you think of any ego-driven athletes that
fall into this pattern?
Ego thrives in the drama triangle. It reacts
in a victimized manner - counterattacking Ego plays by two sets of rules. The ones
openly or subversively, then justifying hostile others must abide by, and the endless
actions. exceptions that ego entitles itself. Ego relaxes
the rules for its inner-circle of perceived allies,
Ego has a killer instinct. It employs tactics while holding others accountable to
that attempt the character expectations of higher conduct.
assassination of perceived
rivals. It engages in Inevitably, ego shows its true face,
case-building against particularly under stress. At this
others and searches point, others see the duplicity,
for sympathetic the hidden agendas, and the
rescuers to add as allies. lack of integrity.
Ego, once provoked, acts Even when it’s not fooling
as if it has a “free to be anyone, ego will still play the
toxic” pass based upon the charade, if only to convince itself of
perceived transgressions of nobler intentions.
others. It may counter-attackMany long for the perceived lifestyle rewards that success offers – the easy life. Ego suggests that the ends justify the means - that admirable ends can be obtained through whatever means possible. Ghandi’s teaching indicate that admirable ends, gained through the wrong means, will eventually turn to dust in your hands. Ghandi taught that 7 things will destroy us… 1.wealth without work 2. pleasure without conscience 3. knowledge without character 4. commerce without morality 5. science without humanity 6. worship without sacrifice 7. politics without principle What is the antidote to being ego driven? Ego-centric doesn’t mean a bad heart; it’s more a question of maturity, values, and priorities. Unfortunately, lifetime patterns are difficult to change, particularly when they’ve worked somewhat successfully in the past. People can change if they really want to, though it certainly wouldn’t be easy. Consider the following points… 1. Learn to give yourself whatever it is you need so you don’t interact from a position of longing. 2. Learn to give others that which you want, so you’ll get it back in return. 3. Let go of being right - work instead on being kind. 4. Accept an abundance mentality. Learn to give freely. 5. Develop a conscience – a greater concern for others. 6. Demonstrate a willingness to apologize. Let others people know that the relationship is more important and worth preserving. 7. Learn to forgive and let go. 8. Seek professional counsel. People who live by ego instead of conscience, will not experience internal integrity and peace of mind. They will find their ego attempting to control relationships. Even though they might feign kindness and empathy, they will continue to use subtle forms of manipulation and will even go so far as to engage in kind but dictatorial behavior. A glaring lack of conscience has been the downfall of many leaders. Can you think of any? The private victory of integrity is the foundation for the public victories that come with vision, discipline and passion. Leadership becomes an interdependent exchange rather than an immature interplay between strong independent, ego-driven rulers and compliant, dependent followers. Value of this document? -put key issues on the table -can be a wake up call for some -effective tool for self-vigilance
Problem of this document?
-one-sided, negative viewpoint – unbalanced
-can be used improperly – tool for judgment and blame
-does nothing to help us clean out our own “buckets” regarding communication breakdown
Whenever we begin thinking the problem is “out there” we become more disempowered, and add to
our own “in here” problems.
The real problem isn’t so much that others are the problem and must change, it’s that we need to
1. get better at keeping our own buckets clean. Otherwise we get stuck on past issues, poison
ourselves with negativity, reinforce a blaming habit, and limit our own potential. In other
words, we become the bigger problem when we fail to clear issues.
2. demonstrate integrity, courage, and consideration by going to the source and dealing with
issues. When we engage in back-biting we hurt others, diminish ourselves, poison
relationships, compromise our team, and fail to help anyone.
3. learn to emphasize and nurture the best in people, not remain fixated on weaknesses.
Support each other as a family, not spread doubt and undermine each other.
4. focus on our own performance, and keeping all our communication channels open.
Our choices are
1. avoid, harbor, and blame. This choice can sabotage a team and ourselves.
2. avoid, let go, and support. Difficult to let go, and this choice perpetuates the status quo.
3. confront, get messy, and grow. This choice grows people and relationships.
The trouble is, we don’t like getting messy, we’re risk adverse, we fear confrontations, we avoid
discomfort and unpleasant feelings, and it’s so much easier and convenient to paint others as at
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