Coming Home From Deployment: The New "Normal"
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Coming Home From Deployment:
The New “Normal”
1
The months of separation are over. The need to perform your combat
duties has ended, and the need for your loved ones to maintain your
family’s welfare has passed. The much-anticipated time of being together
again is finally here.
This long-awaited homecoming is an emotional time for everyone in the
family, and everyone wants the transition to go smoothly. Successful
transition strategies for returning service members are discussed
in the first section of this booklet; transition strategies for family members
are discussed in the second section.
2 Cover photo by Senior Master Sgt. David H. Lipp
Service Members: Coming Home From Deployment
Managing the Transition
Families separated by deployment often Coming home can be just as challenging Coping Strategies
believe that when the tour is finished and as it was to deploy to a combat zone. Coping refers to the ways we think and
they are together again, the stress each Returning from deployment requires a the things we do to manage the demands
experienced will disappear. Some of the period of transition. You have been part of our lives. Most people use coping skills
stressors do go away immediately, such of a group that has shared a unique without realizing it. Coping can be positive
as the uncertainty about the physical safety experience that only those who have or negative.
of the service member and the sadness been through it can fully understand.
of living apart from one another. However, Your mission has been demanding and Proactive coping builds strength and
some of the stressors fade more slowly the dedication and sense of purpose so prepares individuals to deal with difficult
and some new sources of stress can strong that it can seem as if time has times in their lives.
unexpectedly appear; such as finding that stood still.
you, your spouse and your family’s daily Reactive coping is a negative response.
routine have all changed. Guard and Like all transitions, coming home will have Reactive coping is like putting out a fire
Reserve members can also find that their its ups and downs. What each member after your home is severely damaged;
civilian jobs may have changed; they have of your family experienced as your normal proactive coping is like ensuring your
new supervisors, new co-workers and life before deployment is now different. home has smoke alarms, fire extinguishers
different work assignments. Adjusting to the changes you encounter and sufficient insurance.
in each other and in your life after deploy-
ment requires patience, understanding Managing your transition home will be
and accepting that change occurs and is easier if you use proactive coping skills.
necessary when confronted with new
experiences. Knowing what to expect
when you return can help you manage
the transition. This section offers some
ideas to help you.
“ Life shrinks or expands in
proportion to one’s courage.”
–Anaïs Nin
3
Moving Forward With Awareness, Actions and Attitudes
Awareness, Actions and Attitudes are the building blocks of proactive
strategies for post-deployment transition.
Prepare yourself for change.
You may feel different when you return, and,
in fact, many things are different, especially Find your “off” switch. Energize yourself.
for your loved ones and others who are In a combat zone, you probably were on When you return, your mind and body
closest to you. Your view of yourself, others high alert all of the time. Your mind and may have to be retrained to accept that
and the world has most likely changed. body learned to focus on potential danger. many situations may feel uncomfortable.
When you come home, nothing may seem This results in responding with adrenaline Engaging in positive activities will help
important for awhile and it can be challeng- even after you come home and, at times, you feel more comfortable. If you have
ing to reconnect with family and friends. when it isn’t necessary. When you return trouble enjoying activities at first, even
You may miss your “buddies” and fellow home, you may feel irritable and impatient, ones you used to love to do, you may find
service members with whom you shared so jumpy, unable to relax, and even anxious in that participating in these activities
much, or even find yourself wishing to go your daily life. You may also experience anyway will help you move toward a
back. You may feel that people in your daily difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep. better mood and higher energy level.
life are unable to appreciate or understand This reflects your adaptation to a normal Take action first and the feelings will
what you’ve been through, but they’re trying life as opposed to the demands of life in a follow. Do what you know may help you
to cope, just as you are. war zone. even if you don’t feel like it.
Awareness Actions Actions
Tip 1: Remember that you are Tip 2: Identify at least one technique Tip 3: Consider involving yourself in
transitioning home and this takes time that helps lower your overall tension positive activities like playing with
and effort on your part. It is common level, slow down your breathing to calm children, your spouse, partner or pet;
to have mixed emotions at this time. your heart rate and remind yourself that writing, painting, dancing or other
Be patient with the people in your life. you are no longer in the same level of creative activities; praying; exercising or
Give others a chance to adjust to danger you were in while deployed. getting outdoors to enjoy nature;
having you around and back in their Popular methods include deep breath- laughing or crying; playing golf with
lives. Be particularly patient with ing, meditation, progressive muscle friends; watching a movie; going
yourself. Give yourself the time you relaxation and yoga. bowling or fishing; eating out; listening
need to get used to a very different to positive music; discussing situations
intensity and pace of life. with someone you trust; and practicing
your favorite relaxation techniques.
4
“ To travel hopefully is a
better thing than to arrive.”
–Robert Louis Stevenson
Normalize your experience.
It is not uncommon that something may
Communicate. trigger automatic reactions, memories, Take time to reflect.
Take stock of what you are comfortable or images of events that happened while You have been involved in an extraordinary
with when sharing your experiences, and you were deployed. You may even find mission. Now, after such an achievement,
with whom. You may not want to talk about yourself remembering and reacting to you are coming home with a different
what you’ve experienced. However, people something you thought you had dealt purpose, a different focus, different
around you may want to know all about it, with and that no longer bothered you. emotions, a different pace, and to different
what it was like, and what happened. This can feel strange and uncontrollable people. It takes time to figure out how to
Conversely, you may want to talk, but because it seems to happen without move ahead without losing the importance
others are not ready to listen. warning. of what you have just experienced.
Actions Actions Attitudes
Tip 4: If you want to talk, but your Tip 5: This is your body and mind’s Tip 6: Constructive attitudes will
family or friends aren’t ready to listen, way of processing powerful events. help ease your transition.
find another way. You can contact Having such reactions is a normal part • Be patient, don’t give up.
some of your buddies that deployed of getting back to life as usual and the • Be open to asking for help.
with you and talk to them. You could intensity or frequency of such moments • Expect change to feel
write a journal. You could find another can lessen over time. Keep this in mind uncomfortable.
person outside of your personal life to reassure yourself. • Look at both sides of things.
who will listen. If you don’t feel like • Keep your thoughts positive.
talking, you can let people know that it
doesn’t mean you don’t care about
them—but that you just are not ready
to share the experience yet. Perhaps
someday you will. Or, depending who
asks, develop a response ahead of
time that reflects your desires. Always
bear in mind, your experience was and
is very different from that of civilians.
5
6 Photo: Senior Master Sgt. David H. Lipp
Family Members:
Managing the Changes When Your Loved One Returns
When a loved one returns from a deploy- You have had to deal with both missing your Coping Strategies
ment, he or she will go through a period of loved one and the possibility that he or she Coping refers to the ways we think and
readjustment and transition. You who have may be injured or might not return at all. feel and the things we do to manage the
been maintaining life at home will also demands of our lives. Coping can be
experience a transition of your own. This is You and your loved one have been changed positive or negative. In times of transition
a time of adjustment that began when you by what each of you has faced separately. it is best to draw on proactive coping
and your family first received notice about After your initial reunion, the process of strategies rather than reactive ones.
the deployment. Everyone’s story is differ- reuniting as a couple and as a team begins Proactive coping is like saving for a rainy
ent: you may have children or not; you may together. Knowing what to expect can help day; reactive coping is like spending every
have endured several deployments or this you take care of yourself and manage cent you earn. Proactive coping builds
may be your first; you may be surrounded during this time. strength and hardiness and prepares us
by many supportive family members and for when the going gets tough. It will be
friends or you may have had to manage easier if you use proactive coping skills to
the separation on your own. manage the transition.
While your loved one was away, you took
on new roles and responsibilities because
decisions could no longer be made jointly;
you have had to develop new routines,
rituals and ways of being on your own. You
may feel more capable and independent.
7
Moving Forward With Awareness, Actions and Attitudes
Awareness, Actions and Attitudes are the building blocks of proactive
strategies for post-deployment transition.
Be mentally prepared to take a
step back and take stock.
Despite eagerness to resume your life Encourage communication.
together, you may be wondering or even Communication is perhaps the most
worrying about how a combat zone important tool in a post-deployment Seek support:
experience has changed your loved one reunion. Being face-to-face is different from normalize the experience.
and how the time apart has changed your the contact you have had with each other A service member’s family is his or her most
relationship. Service members often return through phone calls, e-mails, and text valuable asset. There are many resources
from deployment with a battlefield mindset messages. Words can make or break a available to support you during your family
that takes a while to lessen. This mindset relationship, so take time to consider what reunion, because it is understood that
may include emotional toughness, mission and how you communicate. Become an coming home from a war zone has unique
focus, hyper-vigilance and distrust. Your expert in the art of communicating by— challenges for the entire family. You can go
loved one may be feeling as if he or she is • Remembering that listening and online and read about what other military
still overseas rather than really back observing are essential; families and spouses have experienced;
home—closer to those he or she served • Voicing praise and encouragement as reach out to friends or families you know
with and to the military mission than to you well as concerns; who also have had a loved one return from
and the children. For a while, nothing else • Using “I” statements; not “You” combat; or utilize unit and installation
may seem as important to them. It may be statements; resources that are available. If you need
a challenge for each of you to simply • Setting an open tone; and help outside of your friends and family, you
appreciate what you have been through. • Remembering to include your children can contact a local VA facility, seek out a
Furthermore, you and your family have new in this process. chaplain or call Military OneSource for a
habits and ways of being close to each referral in your area. Seeking support will
other—this among other things will need to Keep in mind that modeling good communi- help you feel less alone and empowers you
be reworked as you reinvent your family life cation skills provides your children with by providing helpful information and ideas
together. You must start not where you left knowledge and practice for their future about what to expect and what actions to
off, but from where you are now. relationships. take for a positive outcome.
Awareness Actions Actions
Tip 1: Remain mindful that you and Tip 2: You may be prepared to Tip 3: Identify activities that you and
your family are undergoing a transition resume your family life and relationship your loved ones can do together that
that will take individual and collective with your loved one, but there is a are simple and available. This could be
time and effort. The mixed emotions— chance your returning spouse may not as basic as going for a walk, exercising,
joy, resentment, relief and anxiety— be ready. You’ve had to take care of having a picnic, getting outdoors to
during this transition can make you everything and now you may be eager enjoy nature, or even practicing
feel unsteady. Remember to be kind for your loved one to do the same. relaxation techniques together.
to yourself so that you can remain Your loved one’s ability to process all
patient with your spouse, your children, the changes at this time in his or her life
and yourself. may be at a different pace than yours.
Your loved one may still be coming to
terms with deployment events.
Communicating with your partner and
children can help clear the air: hold
family meetings, ask questions, listen
first, and don’t allow disputes to
escalate to avoid fighting.
8
“ I knew who I was when I woke up this morning,
but I must have changed several times since then.”
–Lewis Carroll
Plan down time.
While in a combat zone, your partner has Allow time to readjust.
been on constant high alert. Similarly, you Your loved one has been involved in an
have been on your own high alert while extraordinary mission. Now, he or she is
taking care of all matters at home. Creating coming home with a different purpose, a
safe, neutral opportunities to get to know different focus, different emotions and a
and enjoy each other again offers you the different pace. He or she will need some
chance to become reacquainted and to time to figure out how to move ahead and
renew and strengthen your connection to process the many emotions experienced
through enjoyment and fun. during deployment.
Actions Attitudes
Tip 4: Being connected to sources Tip 5: Constructive attitudes will
of support and information helps you help ease your transition.
maintain your perspective and positive • Be patient, don’t give up.
frame of mind; this fuels your healthy • Be open to asking for help.
thinking and explains your actions. • Expect that change may feel
uncomfortable.
• Look at both sides of things.
• Keep your thoughts positive.
Photo: Sgt. Sean Mathis
9
Post-Deployment Assistance
for Service Members and Family Members
There are many resources available to help Military OneSource Our Military
you deal with challenges that you might (800) 342-9647 is available to assist you For information on both government and
encounter during your post-deployment throughout the deployment cycle, on any community support.
adjustment phase. The Department of topic, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. www.ourmilitary.mil
Defense has created specialized programs www.Militaryonesource.com
that support service members and their Veterans Health Administration
families during this transition. The National Afterdeployment.org Healthcare information, VA Medical Center
Guard and Reserve components have a Here you will find information and self- facility locator and benefits assistance.
series of support programs that can assist guided solutions for dealing with health (877) 222-VETS (8387)
in the absence of installation support, and wellness, stress, relationship problems, http://www1.va.gov/health/index.asp
such as the Yellow Ribbon Reintegration children and deployment, conflict at work,
Program and the Joint Family Service anger, living with physical injuries, sleep Vet Centers
Assistance Program. problems, depression, post-traumatic Provide free readjustment counseling and
stress and war memories, alcohol and drug outreach services to all veterans who
There are also service-specific support abuse and spiritual guidance and fitness. served in a combat zone. Also available
programs such as Air Force Family Support www.Afterdeployment.org for family members dealing with military-
Centers, Army Service Centers, Marine related issues.
Corps Community Services and Fleet and Real Warriors Campaign www.VetCenter.va.gov
Family Service Centers for the Navy located Real stories of strength and hope along
on military installations. In addition, there are with other useful news and information American Red Cross
numerous online resources to provide you to build warrior and family resilience to Under its 1905 Congressional Charter,
with support from wherever you are, any support your return and transition. the American Red Cross is charged with
time of day. Whether or not you feel you www.RealWarriors.net the responsibility to provide service to
have encountered problems, it is well worth members of the Armed Forces. Thousands
the time to explore Military OneSource, Defense Centers of Excellence for of Red Cross employees and volunteers
After Deployment, Real Warriors, and the Psychological Health & Traumatic are supporting service members, veterans
Defense Centers of Excellence. Brain Injury Outreach Center and their families on military installations
Provides information and resources 24/7 throughout the world, in military and VA
about resilience, recovery and reintegration. healthcare facilities and through a network
(866) 966-1020 of hundreds of Red Cross chapters across
www.DCOE.Health.mil the United States. The American Red
Cross continues to build upon our long-
standing services by enhancing our existing
programs and by establishing new services
to meet the needs of today’s service
members and their families.
• Emergency Communications
• Emergency Financial Assistance
• Service in Military and
VA Medical Facilities
• Community Support
redcross.org.
“ It is good to have an end to journey toward:
But it is the journey that matters in the end.”
–Ursula Le Guin
1011
© 2011 The American National Red Cross. The American Red Cross name and logo are registered trademarks of the American Red Cross. A2091-Rev. 01/11
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