Family Caregivers' Grapevine - May/June 2019 - North Shore Community Resources
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May/June 2019
Family Caregivers’ Grapevine
NSCR Caregiver Support Program
renew strength, gain knowledge
When You Become the Primary Decision
Maker: Some Tips for Navigating a New
Role
By Cassandra Van Dyck
A big part of the transition to life as a caregiver is
adjusting to role changes in your relationship with
your loved one. If you are caring for a parent, you
might feel uncomfortable making decisions for your
father or mother, who once made them for you.
When you’re caring for a spouse, you may find that
you’re making more decisions by yourself, where
as you used to make them as partners. This reali- whelmed, and unable to make any sort of decision
zation can be emotionally trying, but it is also a at all. This is not an unusual feeling, and it’s a nat-
huge responsibility to be the primary decision- ural one to have when you’re not only trying to
maker in any relationship. The decisions might be make decisions for your care partner, but you’re
small, like meal-planning for the week or choosing trying to manage the emotions of having a loved
recreational activities, but even these small choic- one who is struggling. It is incredibly hard, if not
es can feel like a burden if you’re the only one re- almost impossible, to make important decisions
sponsible for making them. The decisions can also when you are in a heightened emotional state. Put-
have big impacts, such as whether or not to ac- ting in some time, even if it’s just a small amount,
cess respite care or knowing if it’s time for your to take care of yourself and get support is so im-
loved one to move into a care facility. All of this re- portant. When you are able to make decisions
sponsibility might leave you feeling overwhelmed from a grounded place, there is a better chance
and frustrated. Finding ways to ground your emo- that you will feel secure after your decision has
tions, involve your loved one, and problem-solve been made. Here are some ways to get grounded
potential problems that could come up when you’re before making a decision:
making decisions with other family members can
help you to navigate this new role. Practice Mindfulness. Slow down your breath-
ing with a guided meditation or one that you’re al-
Getting Grounded ready familiar with. Stop your mind from jumping
all over the place by paying attention to your sur-
The weight of making decisions for your loved one
roundings. Try closing your eyes and noticing
can feel like a heavy one. Your head might feel like
three things you can feel, three things you can
it’s spinning as you sort through your options and
hear, and three things you smell. This works espe-
try to filter through advice from health care profes-
cially well if you’re feeling flustered by a decision
sionals, family and friends. You might feel over
that needs to be made quickly. In only a fewMay/June 2019 Page 2
minutes, you can refocus and calm yourself so Check in with them about how they’re feeling
that you can better see your options and make a about decisions that are being made on their be-
rational decision. half, such as times of day for doctor’s appoint-
ments or visitors that are coming to the house.
Write it down. It can be hard to see things
You may assume that they’re okay with certain
clearly when it feels like there are an unmanagea-
things that they are not, and they might not be ex-
ble amount of thoughts racing through your mind.
pressing their feelings because they’re so grateful
Writing things down can help you to sort through
for all you’re doing.
these thoughts and get a visual picture of your
concerns, hopes, and options. If you’re having Big Ways
trouble getting started, set a timer for five minutes
If your loved one is still able and you have not al-
and just start writing. After you have your initial
ready done so, speak with them about creating a
thoughts down on paper, get organized, and pro-
Representation Agreement. Not only will this al-
ceed from there.
low your spouse or parent to appoint the person
Get support. Brene Brown once wrote, “ We they want to make decisions for them should they
don’t have to do it all alone. We were never not be able to do so themselves, it will give them
meant to.” It is a quote to carry with you through an opportunity to explicitly state their wishes for
life and especially through your caregiving jour- end-of-life care.
ney. You do not have to make these important
If you are considering assisted living or some
decisions for your loved one on your own. Talk to
form of respite for your loved one, involve them
trusted family and friends, a professional therapist
as much as possible in this decision. Make sure
or counsellor, or join a caregiver support group to
they’re present when you’re interviewing or meet-
meet other people who are able to give you the
ing people that will be coming in to your home,
space you need to talk about what you’re going
and ask how they feel about them providing care.
through. They may not be able to make the deci-
Bring them to any appointments you have to tour
sions you need to make for you, but they can pro-
facilities and invite them to express their concerns
vide feedback, ideas, or just a listening ear so
or ask questions.
you’re better able to sort through your options and
feelings. Making Decisions with Family
Involving Your Loved One As mentioned, it can be incredibly helpful to in-
volve others in the decision-making process. Un-
As much as possible, involve your loved one in
fortunately, doing so can also come be complicat-
any decisions that need to be made. It will help
ed. If you sharing the caregiving role for a parent
you and your loved one to connect, they will feel
with your siblings, or your children are involved
that they are being treated with dignity, and it will
with your spouse’s care, making decisions may
give you peace of mind knowing that your spouse
be especially challenging. Differing values, opin-
or parent feels they still have some control over
ions, or any sort of lingering resentment or conflict
their life. You can involve your care partner in de-
can get in the way, despite everyone’s best inten-
cision making in big and small ways. Here are
tions. There are a few ways to reduce conflict and
some ideas:
take steps to work with your family, instead of
Small Ways against them, to make decisions that are in your
loved one’s best interest. For your consideration:
Ask them what they’d like to eat for dinner, or
what outfit they’d like to wear that day if they need Come up with a plan for meetings. Family
help being dressed. Caregivers Of BC recommends the following tips
for navigating family meetings: (cont. page 5)The Family Caregivers’ Grapevine Page 3
May 2019
Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat
1 2 Network 3 4 Caregiver
Group 7-9PM Expo 9-1PM
5 6 7 8 Network 9 10 11
Group 10:30-
12:30PM
12 13 14 15 16 17 18
19 20 21 22 23 24 25 Walk & Talk
1:30-3PM
26 27 Walk & Talk 28 29 30 31
1:30-3PM
Network Groups versation and beautiful fresh air. We walk at a
pace that is comfortable for everyone who’s
joined us.
May 2nd & June 6th, 7-9PM
May 8th & June 12th, 10:30AM-12:30PM
*Our Saturday groups will be led by our volun-
Room 203 in Capilano Mall, N. Van
teer, Mahtab.
Join other caregivers to share experiences, dis-
cover new resources, and learn tools to help you Persian Caregiver Group
on your caregiving journey.
ایجاد انگیزه تعادل رفتار
Walk & Talks Room 203 in Capilano Mall
· بیان چالش ها و شادی های یک کمک کننده و مراقب
Saturday, May 25th & June 15th
Monday, May 27th & June 24th · بررسی و تشخیص محدودیت ها و توانایی های شما
1:30-3PM
· آموزش راه های بکار بردن توانایی و مهارت های شما
John Lawson Park, W. Van
Meet us in front of the public washrooms, · آموزش ترویج تندرستی و سالمتی شما
rain or shine! · استفاده از عقاید اطالعات و خرد جمعی
Walking is really healthy for the body and mind!
Take a break and join us for some uplifting con-May/June 2019 Page 4
For registration and information on all sessions, contact Kathryn by email at
kathryn.seely@nscr.bc.ca or by phone at 604-982-3317.
The Fourth Annual Caregiver & Senior Expo cele-
brates BC Family Caregiver Month. Are you a fami-
ly member looking for practical help in the care of
your loved one? Or a senior who wants to learn
about local resources to help you live a healthy and
independent life? This expo provides unpaid care-
givers and seniors an opportunity to feel celebrated
while learning about the local support services
available on the North Shore.
Visit over 20 exhibitor booths
Gift bags for the first 100 attendees
Draw prizes
Presentations and Demonstrations
Saturday, May 4th, 9-1PM Presented by North Shore Community Resources
Delbrook Community Centre and The North Shore News.
Wellness Corner: Mindfulness Meditations
(from verywellmind.com)
One of the original standardized programs for mindfulness meditation is the Mindfulness-Based
Stress Reduction (MBSR) program, developed by Jon Kabat-Zinn, PhD (who was a student of Bud-
dhist monk and scholar Thich Nhat Hanh). MBSR focuses on awareness and attention to the pre-
sent. Other simplified, secular mindfulness meditation interventions have been increasingly incorpo-
rated into medical settings to treat stress, pain, insomnia, and other health conditions.
Learning mindfulness mediation is straightforward, however, a teacher or program can help you as
you start (particularly if you're doing it for health purposes). Some people do it for 10 minutes, but
even a few minutes every day can make a difference. Here is a basic technique for you to get start-
ed:
1. Find a quiet and comfortable place. Sit in a chair or on the floor with your head, neck, and back
straight but not stiff.
2. Try to put aside all thoughts of the past and the future and stay in the present.
3. Become aware of your breath, focusing on the sensation of air moving in and out of your body as
you breathe. Feel your belly rise and fall, and the air enter your nostrils and leave your mouth. Pay
attention to the way each breath changes and is different.The Family Caregivers’ Grapevine Page 5
(When You Become the Primary Decision Maker https://www.familycaregiversbc.ca/
cont.) communication-skills/the-4p-system-for-making-
difficult-family-caregiving-decisions/
Appoint a Project Manager who is not the
primary caregiver. This person will lead the The Caregiver’s Path to Compassionate Decision
meeting and hopefully collect any concerns/ Making: Making Choices for Those Who Can’t
questions ahead of time. (book)
Plan. Gather as much information as possi- 8 Tips for Gentle Decision-Making for Your Aging
ble before the meeting from care homes, Elders’ Care: https://thecaregiverspace.org/8-tips
care providers, doctors, etc. -for-gentle-decision-making-for-your-aging-elders
-care/
Partner. Create space for everyone to voice
their opinion. Find what works for you. Pass
around a talking piece or give each person
10-20 minutes to say what they need to.
Agree on a peaceful environment. Create
some ground rules that you can all agree to.
If there is lingering conflict in your family,
agree to leave it out of the current conversa-
tion so you’re best able to focus on your
loved one.
Hire a mediator. If you’re able, consider hir-
ing a professional mediator to help guide
the conversation with your siblings or chil-
dren. A professional can provide an unbi-
ased perspective and help to work through
any conflict that’s getting in the way.
As always, remember to be kind to yourself
through the tough days. Some decisions will
come easily, while others may feel gut-
wrenching. When you are having an especially
difficult time making a decision, nine times of ten,
you will be able to put it off for 24 hours. Take
that time to get a good night’s rest, do something
that makes you smile, and collect your thoughts.
Revisit the decision with a clearer head and
heart. The caregiver needs to be taken care of as
well. Make sure you have a strong support sys-
tem for yourself in place to support you in this im-
portant role.
Resources for Caregivers
The 4P System for Making Difficult Family Care-
giving Decisions:May/June 2019 Page 6
Easing Financial Burdens: Health Equip- jury or illness, assists seniors with mobility is-
sues, allows people to return home from hospital
ment Loan Programs earlier, and supports those in palliative care who
By Cassandra Van Dyck wish to spend their final days in the comfort of
their own home. The Canadian Red Cross pro-
vides aids such as wheelchairs, walkers, bath
seats and benches, commodes and toilet seats,
crutches and canes, bed handles and other dura-
ble medical equipment.
For more information call: (604) 988-7115
ALS Society Equipment Loan Program
With 3,030 pieces of medical equipment, the ALS
Society Equipment Loan Program is designed to
help people cope with the daily challenges of de-
creasing mobility and independence. Through
obtaining basic and essential assistive devices at
no charge, they hope to reduce the financial bur-
den and to enhance the quality of life of those liv-
The financial burden of caring for a loved one is ing with ALS. This includes mobility equipment,
something that is not often talked about, but reg- lifts, beds & accessories, bathroom aids and
ularly experienced by caregivers. In Canada, we communication devices.
are fortunate enough to have access to a public For more information, visit https://www.alsbc.ca/
programs-services/equipment-loan-program/
health care system, but as everyone well knows,
it does not cover the cost of all of our medical MS Society Equipment Provision Program
needs. Medication, equipment, and private ser- The MS Society Equipment Provision Program
vices that greatly improve your loved one’s quali- provides support to secure adaptive equipment. It
ty of life can be costly. Caregivers may have to is offered to those with MS who have limited fi-
nancial resources and no other agency or source
take time off work to be with their spouse or par-
available to them which could provide assistance.
ent, or dip in to their retirement savings to cover
the cost of respite or other needed services. The The MS Society can assist by providing equip-
more ways you can find to save money on these ment or financial assistance to acquire a new
sorts of expenses, the better! piece of equipment or pay for repairs on current
equipment (based on financial need).
If your care partner needs health care equipment
For more information, visit: https://mssociety.ca/
at home or out in the community, you may want support-services/programs-and-services/200/
to look into equipment loan programs. These ser- equipment-provision-program-bc-yukon
vices provide clients with no-cost health care
equipment for prearranged periods of time, which
might be useful for your loved one. See below for
some local resources.
The Red Cross Short Term Loan Program
A referral from a health care professional is re-
quired.
The Short Term Health Equipment Loan Program
alleviates the pressures that come along with in-The Family Caregivers’ Grapevine Page 7
June 2019
Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat
1
2 3 4 5 6 Network 7 8
Group 7-9PM
9 10 11 12 Network 13 14 15 Walk & Talk
Group 10:30- 1:30-3PM
12:30PM
16 17 18 19 20 21 22
23 24 Walk & Talk 25 26 27 28 29
1:30-3PM
30
Gratitude Corner: The What-Went-Well Exercise
At the end of the day, write down three things that went
well and then explain why. For example:
“We were on time for a doctor’s appointment. We
left the house with lots of time to spare for the
journey.”
“I went to a great yoga class. I carved out time in
my schedule to make sure I could attend.”
“My husband and I laughed together on the car
ride to our appointment. We chose to focus on
something funny that happened instead of our
worries.”
Research has shown that continuing this practice for a
week has increased feelings of happiness and grati-
tude. Try it out, and see if it works for you!
Adapted from https://www.njlifehacks.com/gratitude-exercises/May/June 2019 Page 8
A Week in the Life of a Caregiver
By Calm Pond
Last week, my hairdresser, when I mentioned I was a provide care to loved ones; most are women between the
caregiver, said: “And who will take care of you ?” Indeed, ages of 45-64. (2012)
that’s a good question. Last Week:
In answer to this question, I went online and read an arti- Finished recording Talking Album (Create-A-Memory) for
cle entitled: ‘Quebec asking caregivers on how to help Dad’s birthday. Even a sibling living in Ontario contribut-
them help others.’ (CTV Montreal, Tuesday December ed via WhatsApp (which is bringing us closer together,
11, 2018) bridging the distance between East and West.)
In the article, they discussed some of the issues today’s Friday:
caregivers routinely face, such as: burnout issues, lack of
At times I feel like I’m running a Michelin 3-Star luxury
appreciation, financial problems and stress (in some cas-
hotel! I made my parents Cream of Asparagus soup from
es, leading to nervous collapse, as one caregiver
scratch. I’ve been serving a lot of homemade soups late-
shared.)
ly, as my parents taste seems to run for lighter fare these
Marguerite Blais, Quebec’s Minister for Seniors, (herself days.
once a caregiver for her husband), thinks that caregivers
Saturday:
need support both from the community and from govern-
ment. She proposed public hearings, and a possible ac- Siblings stepping up to the plate to offer help and sup-
tion step of medical plans for caregivers. port. Huge relief. I’ve been feeling like a one-woman
show lately, or like one of those Chinese acrobats that
As promised, I will share notes from the book I mentioned
spin plates. The trick is to keep multiple plates spinning in
in my last post: ‘Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Wom-
unison and not letting any one plate fall to the ground. It’s
en’s Anger’ by Soraya Chemaly (2018).
an art (as well as a science.)
In the U.S., 54% of lower income women spend
Also, sometimes my siblings don’t want to hear the Truth
more than 20 hours a week of unpaid care work for
(as I see it). I try to stay positive above all and keep the
families (p. 72). Depressive symptoms have been
lines of communication open and flowing. You have to be
described by sociologists as ‘the cost of caring’ for
a bit of a diplomat, I find.
women.
Further, women taking care of parents were twice
as likely to develop anxiety and depression (p.88),
Read more of Calm Pond’s posts on our blog:
while women caring for disabled spouses are six
www.wordpress.com/northvancaregivers
times as likely, as women who didn’t shoulder simi-
lar responsibilities.
Stats Canada says 8 million Canadians
NSCR Caregiver Support Program
201-935 Marine Drive, North Vancouver, BC V7P 1S3
We publish this bi-monthly newsletter on topics related to self-care and
the caregiving role.
Have you become the primary decision maker in your relation-
ship? We’d love to share your story.
Please contact Cassandra: cassandra.vandyck@nscr.ca or 604-982-
3319You can also read
